Staying with the Devil

18

Mad  

When I become open about my real life I always think that everything will be beautiful despite of how messy I will live because I know Tyler is there. He make my world beautiful. Mas naging madali sa'kin na harapin ang lahat because I know he is there by my side. 

Tinanggap ko lahat dahil alam kong nandiyan siya. Everything felt so easy as long as he is there but after all that happen hindi pala magiging madali ang lahat na kahit na alam kong nandiyan siya ang hirap pa din pala. 

My mom died because of me. Tyler is always adjusting for me kahit na alam ko na sobrang nahihirapan din siya. Dumating na sa punto na naitatanong ko na lang kung tama ba na nasa tabi niya ako because I feel like all I can do is to cause him pain. 

Lagi na lang nasasaktan si Tyler ng dahil sa'kin, at first he almost die because he protected me at alam ko na hanggang ngayon kayang-kaya niya ulit gawin yun para sa'kin. He always choose to adjust for me dahil takot siyang mawala ako. He always think of what will I feel kaysa sa mararamdaman niya. 

That is why I am afraid to tell him about what I know kasi sasaktan ko na naman siya. Wala na akong ginawa kung hindi ang saktan at pahirapan lang siya. I just want to love him pero bakit pakiramdam ko sobrang hirap at alam kong ganun din siya sa'kin. 

But even though it's hard, I can't lose him. Hindi ko kayang mawala siya I want to stay beside him gusto kong nasa tabi ko lang siya kahit parehas na kaming nahihirapan. 

"Narine, you can tell me everything you know." I look at the person who is with me here at the upper house. "Like what you said, I am the kuya." 

It's been two weeks after I met Dionne at nagtanong na din ako kay Tyler kung gaano pa kalapit ang pamilya niya sa mga Francisco na naikwento niya naman sa'kin ng walang iniisip na iba na baka gusto ko lang malaman para may assurance ako sa kanya na hindi niya gusto si Dionne pero ang totoo I didn't ask him because of that. 

Alam ko naman na kung gaano ako kamahal ni Tyler, I trust his love for me but I am so afraid to lose it to the point that I will choose to keep everything and lie to him for me not to lose his love for me. I don't want to see the old Tyler again. Yung Tyler na nakilala ng Royal Hunters noon, hindi ko kayang makita ulit ang lalaking yun. 

He told me that his mom and Donald Francisco are close friends kahit noon pa kaya nagkakilala din sila ni Dionne. She is the only one who become his friend dahil ugali niya na nga noon pa ang hindi makipag-kaibigan. Dionne become special to him too because his mom is fond of her. 

So tell me, how can I manage to make him feel that people that become part of his and Mom's life is the same people who cause him pain and the reason of his Mom's death. How can I make him feel that he got betrayed? Dumating na ako sa puntong yun, naranasan ko na yun at hindi ko kayang iparanas sa lalaking mahal ko yun. 

Being betrayed will change you big time. Just like what happen to me, I don't want to see him change it's my fear dahil baka pag nagbago siya pati pagmamahal na meron siya sa'kin magbago na din. Dahil kahit gaano pa kalali ang tiwala ko sa pagmamahal ni Tyler I can't still predict what will happen if he knows about what I know. I am scared.

"Am I doing the right thing, Javier? Tama ba na piliin ko na itago ang alam ko para lang hindi siya masaktan? I just don't want to see how he will change." I bite my lower lip. Ayokong umiyak dahil hindi dapat ako umiiyak ngayon. Javier and I are the only member who is in the kitchen dahil yung iba tulog sa mga kwarto dito sa upper house at yung iba naman naglalaro at si Tyler naman may party na kailangan puntahan dahil pinilit siya ng daddy niya at wala siyang nagawa. 

Gusto niya nga akong isama pero hindi ako pumayag dahil alam kong nandoon ang mga Francisco at sa mga oras na'to hindi ko kayang makita ulit sila because my hands is trembling because I want to hurt them so bad.