Anne With An A

Chapter 5 - Who is God?

A quick breakfast at Green Gables is never a quick breakfast indeed. All the commotion, of this beautiful farm Anne calls home, is already happening in the morning. Home. What a wonderful word. For the longest of times Anne feared, deeply in her soul, she would never find a place to call home. A home is a place where your heart can grow. It may not be where your kin is, it may not be where you're at right now, maybe your home is in the future. Anne's past wasn't filled with homely feels, but her present is, and forever, wherever she may go, she knows there will always be a little farm, in a little town, in Canada, that she can call home. The most wonderful word.

After getting the eggs from the chickens, after getting the milk from Prejudice, after her long, but quick, breakfast, Anne was ready to go to church, with Marilla, Delly and Matthew, of course. Marilla, who taught Anne how to say her prayers at night. Anne secretly still hoped she could go pray out in a great field, a marvelous meadow of yellow and white wild flowers all alone or into the deep, deep brown and green woods where the trees grow taller than the heavens, and look up into the sky, up, up, up, into that lovely blue sky, ripped by cotton white clouds, that looks as if there was no end to its majestic blueness. What is a prayer, if not a wish you release to the ether?

Sitting down silently next to the Cuthbert's at church proved to be a challenge. Anne was acutely aware of her thoughts. Who is God? And had he come down to help her when she was alone at the dreadful orphanage, or placed at vicious houses? Anne couldn't be sure He had done something of the sort. All she could feel at those times was at the depth of despair with no helping hand at sight.

The priest went on, and on, and on, about all the Heavenly Father had done before and her mind stretched out into the furthest of possibilities. Is God in this room? Is God in any room? Where was God when Mr William Blair was mean to Delphine? And where was God when Gilbert's letters never arrived? She sure needed God to make a quick appearance at those moments, and many more, but she wasn't sure He was ever there. She prayed, and prayed, and prayed some more, but she wasn't sure God could hear here. Anne was starting to wonder if God was even there to listen. All the while, Anne was fidgeting in her seat, urging to say something, to ask questions, to ler her curiosity win over her solemn vow to remain silent during church.

— Child, you best stop moving now! - Marilla mumbled between her teeth.

— Marilla, - Anne couldn't hold it much longer, the dilemma bursting inside her - have you ever seen God?

Marilla's face was drained of color in a mere second. What an odd thing to ask. What an odd thing for a sixteen year old girl to wonder about during church. Although, we can suppose, there would be no better time to have such doubts. The stories are magical: the God's divine, the powers are fantastical and the Lord's son is pure might. Marilla shook her head in disbelief and looked above, up, up, up, to the church's rather unimpressive ceiling.

— Oh, Dear God, this child!

Anne thought then that perhaps this was a conversation she could only have with herself and her buttons. To be fair, she had pondered this might be something she shouldn't bring up, specially not during church, but Anne's curiosity has a will of its own and it's not something she can control at all times.

Back in her old room, where new memories can still be entangled, Anne looked through her window, at the Snow Queen. The most beautifully wonderful tree that has ever been, not to dismay other trees, they're quite alright. More than alright! But this tree, her special cherry tree, was a Queen. Anne reminisced on her first morning at Green Gables, playing with a cherry tree flowered stick and lace on her head, pretending, no, not pretending, imagining she was Princess Cordelia. How amazing it seemed to be the beautiful Princess Cordelia. When Anne was imagining, she could stay away from the monsters and nightmares that ruled her life. When Anne looks back now, she feels a little bit more like Cordelia today then she did back then. It's amazing what a wonderful real life can do to an imaginary person.

Anne is not one to dwell in past tenses, but she is one to contemplate how far she has come. Maybe, God isn't a real person either. Maybe God is like Cordelia, not of this realm. Maybe, like Cordelia, He can't make a full appearance in this world as He's not of it. Of course, Anne knows Cordelia is only imaginary, but she was there for her in the toughest of times. When Anne had only but a glass of water for dinner, Cordelia was there with scrumptious treats of air. When Anne had two hours to sleep and 8 children to keep, Cordelia was there to sing with the wind. When Anne had no friends, not even her very own self, Cordelia was there to be her friend. However, Anne wondered where God had been, if not with her, if He's not like Cordelia.

God
/ɡɒd/
noun
the creator and ruler of the universe and source of all moral authority; the supreme being.

The dictionary Gilbert gave Anne presented a definition for this word, for this Almighty Being, for Dear Gracious Heavenly Father. But can this word be really defined? It's rather redundant to consider such a thing. All words can be reduced to their intrinsic theoretical meaning, however when we do so, with such important subjects, we may leave no meaning at all. No, Anne thought this wasn't a word to be described with other words, it was a word she had to feel in her bones, in her very soul.

All of a sudden, Anne stopped pacing her room. God was meant to watch over her, yet she never felt Him. God was supposed to have created everything, but for certain her creators were Walter and Bertha Shirley, perhaps God created her parents, Anne didn't know her grandparents and there is no tangible proof they weren't divine. And then, puff. Like a candle lighting without a fire, Anne's mind lit up a room, although it felt like she could've lit up the entire town of Avonlea after such a brilliant epiphany.

God isn't in church, which is why Anne couldn't find Him there. God is Cordelia. God is a friend she can talk to, play with and imagine. God is the creator of the world, of a better world, the world of faeries, and a dashing knight, and princesses that stay up past midnight.

Kindly bare in mind this is all inside Anne herself, the will to believe in something so deeply she finds a solution for it. The need to have a metaphorical explanation to a rather philosophical question, a science that cannot be proven through laboratorial tests. Anne decided, in that very moment, it was very importante for her to believe in herself, to give the word God a new meaning, a personal one, just for her, someone who would never leave her at all, never, never, in never years.

God was always with her, you see, He was just wearing a lace dress and a crown of cherry flowers, for He is She, and She is inside Anne. Cordelia.