My fight, My Struggles with Anxiety and Depression

The Expectation

It was a beautiful morning on the 14th of December 2019, not only was I getting married, but my husband and I were moving to Cape Town in just 2 days after the wedding. My dress was lovely, I would like to say I was a stunning bride but unfortunately, my make-up was a mess, but that's a topic for another day. My bridesmaids and my maid of  honour were looking amazing, everyone was happy. Saying I was excited would be an understatement, I was on cloud 9, I was marrying the love of my life and I was going to live all those mental struggles I did not understand behind.

I've had mental issues or struggles for as long as I can recall even though I had no idea what they were or what was causing them. My issues actually date back to High school. I remember struggling through out my high school life, to connect with people or make friends, to have conversations, to enjoy social gatherings and so forth. I was always so critical of myself, I did not believe I was smart, intelligent, worthy, or even beautiful. Other kids also made the situation worse with their mean jokes and bullying. I can recall this one guy who was the worst, he would come and stand next to me and then shout and ask the class which girl had the biggest ears in class. Everyone would look at me and laugh, and I hated my big ears for that reason. This was just the tip of the iceberg, the bullying was a lot and it was deep. I had no idea how to deal with all of this, so I responded by retreating and keeping to myself. I would go to school, then come back straight home after school. I'm pretty sure I would have stopped even going to school if it was up to me. I stopped going out to chill or play with other kids, I avoided social situations, you would only find me at a social gathering when it's necessary and when I have a trusted familiar friend beside me.

These are just a little part of why I was excited about moving to Cape Town. I thought that finally, I was gonna start a new life somewhere else, I was excited at the thought of making new friends, getting a new job, I thought things were going to change for the better. I thought "wow at last I'm gonna be free from all these things that were too heavy on my shoulders all these years." Little did I know that I was still to deal with these, that they were going to come back in full swing, little did I know that these struggles were more internal than external and there was no running away.