fOoL fOr YoU (Zarry) *discontinued*

5.1

PART ONE OF A DOUBLE UPDATE!!

zayn hesitantly knocks on atlas' door. he knows the boy said he wouldn't be home, but zayn's not deaf. he heard atlas banging around last night. and after a lot of pondering, zayn decided he was completely done with harry. over and done with. totally. like, completely. harry could move to bloody greenland for all zayn cares. yeah.

so now that he's decided he's over harry, he's also decided that he wants to move on. like, for real this time. he's— he'll move on by putting his heart in someone else's hand, if that's what helps him move on. and atlas' hand are the most gentle one he knows.

"hi," zayn softly says when the door opens. "i know what i said a-about not being able to love you, but i think it was stupid and i wasn't— i was thinking about harry. everything's been about harry for the past six years and i can't unlearn that habit, not very easily, at least. but i want to. i don't want to love him and i'm over him, completely. no turning back and worrying about him anymore. and i also really, really want to try with you, if you'd like to try with me," he rambles.

and it's stupid and toxic and it's not going to fix anything, but none of it matters. because she wore his shirt and he— and harry gave it to her. so fuck him, and fuck kendall, zayn's going to do whatever the fuck he wants. and right now, he wants to be treated lovingly. gently.

"i'm fine, thanks for asking. how are you?" atlas dryly says, letting zayn in. zayn simply shrugs, folding in on himself slightly. he hadn't expected it to go very well, but this isn't what he wanted either. "hey, don't do that, i'm sorry. just, that was a lot, i'm processing it, alright?" atlas says when he notices zayn's reaction. "are you alright, sweetheart?"

"yeah. you?" no. i'm not doing well. help me, please. love me, just for an hour if no more. i really can't do this anymore.

"i'm... actually busy right now, but if you want, you can stay?" it's not an answer to zayn's question, but it'll do.

"i'll be right back," zayn says, hurrying out the door, but atlas stops him.

"i'm sorry i lied to you," atlas says. and god, fucking hell, zayn was fucking dying to hear those words. but not from atlas. no. still, he appreciates it.

"me too," zayn merely says, nodding curtly. he softly wrings his wrist out of atlas' hand and hurries off. once he's in the safety of his own flat, he breathes in deeply. why won't this sadness go? the moment, the fucking moment he thinks he can do it, everything comes crashing down on him again. he shakes his head and grabs his sketchbook and pencils, then makes his way back to atlas' flat. he goes in without knocking, knowing atlas left the door open.

zayn plops down on the oversized loveseat, atlas only briefly looks up from the paperwork on the coffee table, to smile at zayn. "hey, can i put on some music?" zayn asks.

"you can connect to the speaker if you want," atlas replies without looking up. "but not too—"

"loud, yeah i know." it's always the same with atlas. he loves listening to music, but never too loud. it irks him. zayn finds it adorable. he plays the playlist filled with songs they both like and gets to his sketching.

"tell me a secret," atlas says after an hour of silence. zayn hums and looks up, not really sure whether he had heard it right. atlas is still scribbling down on his papers. "tell me a secret. something no one else knows," he adds, slowly tearing away his gaze from the papers. zayn's silent for a few, contemplating it.

"i'm not allowed to do drugs, but when i went to america i used all sorts. sleeping pills, aderall, xtc, some stuff which i can't remember the name of. and if niall or louis knew, they'd kill me," zayn says, as if it isn't a big deal. as if it's something you tell someone you met three months —almost four!— ago. "your turn."