fOoL fOr YoU (Zarry) *discontinued*

6.6

TW (past suicide attempt, suicidal thoughts)

zayn sits on the windowsill, his head out the window as he lazily smokes. his mind's still foggy from waking up, and his stomach still feels queasy from the guilt of dumping everything on louis like that.

"alright. i'm off then," luke says. zayn looks up at him, throwing his cigarette out as he does so. he smiles at the younger boy. "well, actually, maybe —if you want to, of course— we can talk for a bit? or grab some breakfast together."

"haven't you got work?" zayn asks, looking at the clock. luke shrugs. "we'll grab some another day. you go to work."

"are you—"

"yes, i'm sure. go on, pet, or you'll be late," zayn says, waving luke off. if he's honest, he'd much rather grab breakfast with luke right now, than wait for louis to wake up alone. but well, the sooner he speaks with louis, the sooner this feeling will go.

"alright. i'll see you later, then," luke hesitantly says, before looking down at his watch and hurrying off. "bye!" he yells, shutting the door.

well, now this is just shite, zayn thinks after a minimum of five minutes. louis' still asleep, zayn's still full of anxiety, he's out of bloody cigarettes, and he's not even sure where his phone might be. this is all niall's fault, truly. if he hadn't made zayn aware, if he hadn't melted zayn's wings, then zayn'd still be flying. he wouldn't be anxiously waiting for louis to wake up. he'd be painting until it was time to go to work.

he could make some breakfast? he didn't have dinner last night and he's a bit hungry now. and maybe louis will be less mad when there's food involved. but no, that's too much effort. cereal would be much easier. is there even cereal? maybe harry could make him something. it's his day off, isn't it? and maybe— oh.

oh.

zayn realises that he isn't hungry at all, he's just looking for excuses, for distractions so he doesn't have to think about what he said last night. about what he hasn't said yet. about how he had it all planned, that if he failed this time, he'd try again right after because four has always been his lucky number. about how he sat on the bathroom floor, willing himself not to just stick his fingers down his throat, because he doesn't need food, not really. about how he went on walks every night and thought about just running away, doing it right this time, so he isn't found. so he doesn't have to come back. about how he misses everyone, despite having spent so much time with them the last few months, because he still feels a bit like an outsider. like he shouldn't be with them, because he's that friend that watches from the sidelines and cheers, but is never truly included. (he is. he just has a hard time realising or seeing it).

except zayn was fully included when it came to louis and niall, and he misses how it was, and hates how it is now. he wants to be fourteen again, despite that being the worst time of his life, because he had them then, and he didn't have to share them with anyone. because they were as close as anything and now it feels like there's miles between them. and god, when will louis wake up? maybe niall should be here. maybe they can properly talk like they used to and fix everything. because the distance is suffocating and if he can't have any other sort of love, zayn at least wants that of his best friends'.

"zayn?" zayn blinks slowly, looking up at louis. "are you— are you okay?" zayn briefly wonders how long it's been. when he looks at the clock, he's a bit shocked at how much time has passed. almost two hours.

"erm, yeah. sleep well?" zayn asks, rubbing his eyes trying to get them back into focus. where are his glasses when he needs them?

"not really. i was sleeping between two animals who can't stay still for the love of god," louis says, sitting down next to zayn. "talk now?"