its you | hyunlix

{t h i r t e e n - lost}

//tw- mentions of self harm//

"chan?" felix's grandmother called chan, "do you know where yongbok is?" chan replied, "what happened? did he run away?"

"he isn't in his room or anywhere in the house."

"i think i know where he is. i'll contact you when i find him. don't you worry, okay mimi?" felix's grandmother hummed in response, her tears visible to her nurse.

chan hung up the phone and got ready, calling changbin. the first two rings he didn't pick up. "chan?" he heard the familiar voice of his aussie best friend. chan let out a sigh, "mimi was looking for you,  we got so worried."

felix sniffled, choking out a sob. "can you come?"

"i'm coming. are you at changbin's place?" chan heard felix hum in response. changbin stood behind the door in the hallway, clenching his fists, tears falling as he just passed one of his panic attacks.

he couldn't  help felix as he started suddenly getting a panic attack. felix couldn't deal with anything right now, clutching onto the duvet,  crying. chan was still on the phone, "lix, i'm coming over. hold on, dont do anything stupid. please, and can you give the phone to changbin?"

holding onto his scarred wrist, felix never heard chan speaking as he cried, picking on the scabs of his cuts, until he felt some wetness. he continued to do this.

"felix?" chan entered the room, changbin standing behind him. tears stained on his cheek, feeling calmer. chan walked towards his aussie friend's way. "lix?" he asked again.

felix stayed crying as memories flashed through his eyes, picking on his scars, making them bleed again. "dad... i miss you..." he let out in a whisper, "no, wake up.. please." felix continued to whisper.

chan sat on the bed, "yongbok," he quietly said, "i'm here, chan's here." felix shut his eyes tightly, tears fell from his eyes. opening his eyes, he caught chan and changbin in the room. he immediately hugged chan, crying. "i can't live like this.. let me go.. please."

the older australian boy hugged the younger, rubbing his back. "it's okay, i'm here. chan's here. you're safe." he let out, becoming emotional as his friend cried for them to let him go.

"chan, i can't. let me go,  please. i'm not worth it all." the young australian tightened his hold around the older, begging him to let him go and see his father.

changbin walked downstairs, tears falling as he went to go open the door. "how is he?" the male asked changbin. changbin looked at the younger who stood at the door.

"he isn't good. he wants to leave."

"would it be a good thing to even be here changbin? what if something goes wrong again?" changbin looked at the taller male whom he called.

"it has to be hyunjin, we can't do anything. you know more than we do." hyunjin removed his shoes and nodded, "then i'll try my best."

the two walked up towards the shorter male's room as chan and felix were hugging, the younger australian crying his eyes out on chan's shoulder. "please let me go... i can't live this way."

"no, lix, i'm not letting you go. you have a lot more out there to experience. and we care so deeply about you." chan said in a soft voice, rubbing circles on his best friend's back.

hyunjin walked over, sitting on the bed. "bokkie?" he said in a quiet voice, looking at him. felix looked up, immediately letting go of chan and wrapping his arms around hyunjin.

hyunjin was tensed for a bit, hugging back the younger. felix cried harder, wanting to feel something he hasn't felt for a long time.

***

"he's going to be okay for now?" changbin asked as hyunjin closed the door to changbin's room. hyunjin nodded, "for now. but you must keep an eye on him."

chan was laying on the bed with felix as felix slept in chan's arms. chan looked down at the younger, softly smiling as his friend was sleeping.

dark bags circled felix's eyes, he seemed more paler and slimmer then how he'd usually look. right then, chan knew felix needed to get help to overcome so many things.

***

felix awoke to a feeling of arms wrapped around him, he looked up to see chan asleep too.  he realized they were in changbin's room after he scanned the area. he jolted up, getting off the bed. "mimi might be worrying." he mumbled to himself.

chan got up, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. "it's okay lix, i made sure she knows where you're staying." felix began fixing himself, getting ready to leave. "i left without her knowing chan, she is worried. and she shouldn't be because she's ill. i have so little time with her, i shouldn't have left.."

felix left chan alone in the room, running down the stairs. changbin walked out of the kitchen with a pink apron on. "changbin, which one would he like?" felix heard the voice he didn't want to hear.

his heart dropped hearing the one voice he didn't want to hear. then he tried to remember what happened last night because he knew he was here and it was just him and changbin. realizing chan wasn't here too.

the voice he heard belonged to no one else but the one and only hwang hyunjin. hyunjin walked out, seeing felix as he was whisking some eggs. "hi felix," he spoke, "come eat." felix shook his head, "i gotta go. and why are hyunjin and chan here?" he spoke to changbin as he was looking at hyunjin, glaring.

changbin looked down, "i— i can explain lix. just come sit down and eat. just one bite, then it'll be good." he looked up. felix knew he was worried.

"just get him out. please, i can't with this today. not today, and mimi's going to be so mad i never went home. i gotta get home." he rushed to the door, "i'll see you later binnie. right now, i gotta get home."

the australian opened the door, closing it and ran out. tears fell from his eyes as he ran. pumping his legs, not knowing where to go. everything felt so right yet it was wrong. he just had to get away from everyone.

without realizing it, he got to the place where he'd always go to. the bridge over the han river. he stopped, fell to the concrete floor, tears falling. right at this moment, he felt lost and broken. like he's always been for the past years. broken and lost. but this time, he was more lost then ever.

wiping his eyes, he found a broken glass piece laying next to him. he decided to pick it up, leaning against the railings while bringing it up to view it. fresh glass, he thought. the freckled boy decided it bring it up to his wrists, softly smiling as he knew he'd be able to feel something.

he looked around, seeing no one was around as the residents got to their workplaces. smiling, looking back at his already red wrists from last night. he slide the glass down, seeing the blood oozing down to the concrete road.

he made a few more, finally getting to feel something since he's been watched carefully by his friends and grandmother. he knew he was lost, broken and a burden to live with. but his family thought otherwise.

lost is what he thought. i'm lost and i can't be found. but little did he know, he was to be found.

2023: as i'm reading through this, i realized i made so much errors in spelling and it honestly doesn't make sense to me. does it make sense to you?