Second Chances (Ricky + Nini)

chapter 38 - you've been workin on yourself

[a/n: hey, this one's kind of long. i figured i might as well pour out all my current ideas into one chapter rather than having you guys wait for another chapter next week. thanks for reading. enjoy. ]

"So ... let me try to recap your whole story. You dated Nini since college, then you broke up with her, then you got back together, you proposed to her and then you broke up with her ?" Dr Jenn asked.

Well... when she put it that way, Ricky sounds like the biggest idiot on earth. Which he probably was.

"Basically."

"Okay. I'm gonna ask you a few questions if that's okay?"

"Sure." Ricky said shaking his leg. He was a little nervous, he's never really deep dived into his relationship with Nini with anyone else. Not even Red.

"Do you love her ?"

"Of course."

"Do you still love her?"

"Yes. 100%. In love with her."

"Explain to me why you broke up with her. I know you mentioned that you wanted what was best for her, and you felt like you weren't enough... but does she tell you or has she ever hinted that you're not enough?"

"Never. She's always been my number one supporter and that day ... when I broke up with her, she tried her best to convince me that she was proud of me."

"What are you afraid of, then?"

"That she was only saying that in the heat of the moment. That eventually she would see that I wasn't worth it, that I would only hold her back and she could do so much better than me."

"And what do you think she would do then?"

Ricky sat quietly and thought for a few minutes.

"She would leave me." Ricky said slightly louder than a whisper.

"and-"

"And so I left her before she could leave me. I hurt her so she wouldn't hurt me." Ricky continued for her.

"The patient has become the therapist.." Dr Jenn said, "Where do you think that fear is coming from, Ricky?"

"The kid in me." Ricky said. "My mom leaving me has haunted me all my life, and every time someone gets close to me, I get this feeling that they're gonna leave me. Nini's the only one who's ever made that feeling go away, even though it never completely left. Evidently, the moment I'd found out that she'd given up a great opportunity (possibly for my sake), that feeling returns."

"You have to know that it may never disappear completely." Dr Jenn said, "I happen to have the same experience. My father left my mom, my siblings and I when I was only 8 years old. Never saw him since. And every time someone does something nice for me, I tell myself not to get attached. Because even my father left me, he was someone I looked up to, my hero, someone who was always there for me, and suddenly he's just gone."

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"You don't have to be. I've made peace with it. I've learned that I have to have a little more faith in people, trust that they won't leave me in the dust when things get bad. I've also learned that I have this tendency to have extremely high expectations for other people especially when I've opened up to them and consider them a friend. They are human after all, and they will make mistakes and disappoint us, Ricky."