The Reluctant Mate

34 Amanda

I just couldn't stay upset with Porter when he sat across his kitchen table from me with that cocky happy smile pasted on his face.

"So, you really have nothing to do today?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Well, I wouldn't go that far. I wanted to spend today with you since I know you don't have to work."

"I guess I could do that. I need to go home and change though. I slept in these." I looked helplessly at my rumpled clothing.

"You could just borrow some of my clothes."

"They're too big."

"Or we could just not bother with clothing at all."

His suggestive words shot heat straight between my legs. I swallowed, my throat suddenly dry. He was so tempting, but that part of me still wanted to keep distance between us. Of course, the other part of me wanted to jump him and obliterate it all. So I just sat there, frozen. "Thought you were holding out?"

"No, I told you I just want you fully aware."

"Or you just like making things hard on me."

"You wouldn't know anything about that, huh?"

"Wait, so you're actually trying to make things hard on me as some sort of revenge?"

"Well, something around here is pretty hard." His face stayed deadpan straight.

My laugh spilled out of me, and it released some of tension. I looked down at the pancake grid on my plate. I wasn't hungry anymore. "I need a shower."

"You can use mine."

"That doesn't solve the clothing problem."

"Pretty sure I gave you two perfect solutions to pick from." He smiled.

"Not perfect."

"That's a matter of opinion."

My indecision was still running rampant. I knew I wanted him, and I'd pretty much said I was going to stay with him, but there was some block that I was having trouble getting past. Porter wasn't Steven, and he wasn't going to start acting like Steven, but...

I could just leave, and deal with this problem later. Get in my car and drive away from this place, and Porter, and all the other difficulties that came along with him. Go home, spend the day hanging around with my girls, and pretend that I was perfectly content with my life.

This would be so much easier if he would just give up on his damn sobriety thing. This all would have been easier last night. I needed a drink to take the edge off.

I stifled a groan. He was probably right about everything. I really should talk to someone about all the things that wouldn't stop haunting me. I met his eyes. "I don't know if I can spend the day with you, Porter."

"Why?"

"Because I have issues. And I'm scared."

"Scared?"

"Of stupidly walking into a trap again. Even if I tell myself that's not what this is..."

He slipped forward in his chair. "Amanda, I promise I'm not going to trap you. You're supposed to be my equal. Not my possession. If I wanted an obedient pet I would get a dog."

"I know you won't. But I can't help this feeling..."

"Come here?" he said, holding out a hand. I paused, and put mine in his. He pulled me off of my chair and around the table until I was sitting on his lap sideways, caged gently by his arms. And it did feel better.

His voice was a soothing rumble against me and it lulled me. "You're not trapped. You have all the power since I'm at your mercy. My wolf would do anything for you. If I'm too possessive, if I do something wrong because I'm jealous, if I ever step over any of your lines, tell me and I'll do what I can to stop. It's not going to always be easy, and we're probably both going to screw up sometimes, but I'd rather die than hurt you. Because I love you."

I love you.

Such a sweet sentiment. When I had been a sixteen-year-old starving for love I would have been ecstatic to have heard someone like Porter say something like that to me.

But now, it wasn't the first time I had heard it, and it took me back to a very beautiful house that held many of my worst memories.

—————

"I love you, baby," Steven said, his eyes resting on me as he leaned against the doorway in a pseudo-casual pose. It wasn't the first time he had professed his love, but it had been the first time when it had made me uneasy rather than happy.

While Steven was trying to look nonchalant, he was also blocking my exit from the tidy living room, probably intentionally. If someone didn't know any better, they might have imagined he was an angel of protection with his golden hair and clear eyes, and the even near perfection of his features. I had been so starstruck that someone as handsome as him had been interested in me when we had first started dating.

I didn't know exactly what I had done wrong that time, but it was obvious by the look in his eyes that he wasn't truly happy with me. I wracked my mind trying to figure out whatever mistake I had made.

"I love you, too," I agreed, forcing a smile. I knew he wanted that response, but in his current mood I wasn't sure how he would take it.

He sauntered over to me, wearing a terrifyingly gentle smile. He leaned down in front of me and brushed a stray strand of hair from my eyes, then tilted my face up for a kiss. I returned his kiss with as much enthusiasm as I could muster.

He pulled back. "I think you should quit your job."

I bit my lip. If I did that I'd have one less excuse to get out of the house. "Are you sure? I like contributing, Steve."

"You don't think I can support you? Isn't this home I provide for you nice enough?"

"I know you can. And of course it is. I really love it." The place was nice. Steven made good money, and he had a tendency to spoil me with gifts when he was in a good mood, although I didn't know why. The flowers that he gave me withered and chocolate only made me gain weight, which he didn't like. Jewelry was his favourite. I already had more than I would ever need, especially since he didn't really like going out with me socially much so when was I going to wear it?

But I'd learned to like staying home when I was with him, too, since Steven was usually in a better mood when we were alone and I liked it when he was in a good mood.

"Then why don't you want the life of ease I could provide for you?" He looked hurt. "I work so hard."

"I do want that. And of course you do... I'm just... Steve, I'm sorry."

"I know you are. I'm just worried that someone's going to take advantage of you, and that I won't be there to protect you."

"I don't know what I would do without you." Even back then a small smothered rebellious part of me recognized the lie for what it was.

"You'll never have to find out. You'll always be my girl. I love you."

—————

He had molded me into an obedient doll, shaped me to behave the way he wanted me to behave. And I'd let him, because it was safer not to fight, to make one insignificant concession after another until it seemed he controlled every tiny facet of my life.

I felt so foolish for the way I'd let him manipulate me, for all the times when I didn't see straight through his words to the truth of what he was doing...of what I allowed him to do.

At least in the memories where he was harsh and cruel and violent I hated him.

In the ones when he lulled me with sweet words and soft mannerisms, I hated myself.