If I Fell In Love With You

Chapter Three

Later That Night

Hazel's POV:

Paul just left and there I lied on the guest bed, alone. It was three thirty in the morning. I couldn't sleep; my head was racing with nightmares. I was persistently thinking of Ross. What if he finds me and hurts me more than he did before? I paced back and forth the room at least seven times. When I fell asleep I was having nightmares of Ross. When I wasn't sleeping, I was thinking of Ross. I started having an anxiety attack. I began to get them when my dad started abusing my mom and I. It's my body's natural response to danger. My body is like an automatic alarm that goes off when I feel threatened, under pressure, or when I'm facing a stressful situation. After finally calming myself down, I thankfully fell asleep.

I woke up at ten, took a nice warm shower and got cleaned up. I brushed my long, light brown, thick hair. I got dressed in my cheap clothes and walked out of my bedroom. I heard John talking to Cynthia.

"What are we going to do with her?" John said. "Well let's take her to the hospital and try to track down Ross.'' Cynthia replied. As I was eavesdropping, one year old Julian was trotting along the hallway.

"Hi!" he screeched. "Hello, Julian. Be very quiet, okay, buddy?" I whispered. He put his tiny finger over his lips and nodded. I picked him up. John and Cynthia stopped talking and looked over the hallway. Dammit, they heard me. I wanted to hear what else they were going to say. I decided to act innocent.

"What was that, Julian? You're hungry? Let's get you some food." I said. As walked to the kitchen to put Julian in his highchair, Cynthia and John followed me. I got Julian a bottle and I dissimulated myself as an absent minded person, but I couldn't take it any longer. I had to say something.

"You're not going to find him. He's long gone." I said. John and Cynthia looked at each other, then at me. They both sat beside me. I looked down at my hands and they wouldn't stop shaking. "We have to at least try to find him, before he hurts you even worse." Cynthia said as she grabbed my hands to make the shaking stop.

"He gave me nothing left to win and nothing else to lose. Don't even bother. If you try to find him you'll just make him more angry. He will hurt me even worse if you try to do something. Just let him be. I have to deal with my own problems myself, Cyn. I'm fine." I smiled. "Fine. If you don't want to find him, that's your choice but we have to take you to the hospital." she said.

"THE HOSPITAL!?" I screamed as I jumped out of my chair. "No, no, no. I'm not going to the hospital. Please no! I'm fine!" I nervously said. They walked towards me to try to calm me down, I just backed away. "What the bloody hell is wrong with hospitals? Why are you so afraid? They will just help you." John shot back.

"I'm fine! I don't need your help and I especially don't need a doctors help!" I yelled. "Please, I just need to be alone!" I stormed out of the apartment and took my easel with me. I needed to be alone. I have always been afraid of doctors and nurses ever since I was a kid. I have no I idea why I rejected there offer to go to the hospital, I did need help. They were only trying to help, I'm such a jerk. It was too late to turn back now. I was already walking along the street. It was such a beautiful day. The fields were calling my name. I always painted at the fields because I can just let all my emotions out and be free. As I was walking, I saw Paul heading to Cyn's house.

"Paul!" I shouted as I ran up to him. I stopped in front of him as he looked up at me and smiled. "Hazel! I was just heading to John's house. Where you heading to, lov?". "I'm going to the fields to paint. Want to come?" I questioned. He looked to the left then to the right and said, "Um...". "Come on!" I grabbed his wrist and we ran. We laughed the whole way there. I let go of his wrist as we came upon the fields. I dropped my easel and ran on the gorgeous green grass. I turned around to see Paul trying to catch up. I put my hands up and let the wind dance around my body. The wind was blowing my hair as the sun was beaming against me.

"I'm free!" I shouted. "You're crazy!" Paul shouted back. "I'm insane. I'm losing my mind!" I laughed. I was losing my mind. My mixed emotions just wanted to break free. I couldn't help myself. I grabbed my easel and just started to paint my feelings. Paul sat on the grass and stared out into the fields.

"It is truly beautiful." Paul stated. "I go here all the time to let my emotions out." "What emotions are you feeling now?" he questioned. I stopped painting and thought. "Confusion and loneliness. I just feel lonely." Paul got up to look at my painting. The painting was a kid sitting alone on the curb of the street, crying. It was raining and all the cars were splashing the water on the kid but nobody seemed to care. "Hazel, this is so beautiful. So, inspirational. You're so talented and gifted." He looked at me, but I just stared at the painting. "Thanks." I said. I sat on the grass and he sat next to me. I looked at the sky and he just looked at me with a worried look on his face. I looked back at him.

"What?" I laughed. "Nothing." he giggled. He shoved me and I shoved him back "How do you let your feelings out, Paul?". "I don't let my emotions out. I keep them hidden." he said softly. I looked at him with a perturb look. "Well, um. Oh! Maybe you can write a song to lift the weight off your shoulders. It would make you feel better." I advised him. He began laughing. "What? I'm serious, Paul. Hey, I know I just met you and all, but it looks like something's bothering you." He stopped laughing. "Nothing's wrong, okay." he groaned. "I'm sorry." I said. "No. I'm sorry, Hazel." he whispered. I went back to my painting and finished it.

"I better be going, lov!" he cheered. He patted me on the back and waved goodbye. "Bye!" I said back. He probably left because it got awkward.

I studied my painting and realized I painted my childhood, my depressing childhood. Then I realized how selfish my mother was. She knew I needed her, she needed me, we needed each other. She thought all her troubles would go away by killing herself. Didn't she know that I loved her? She never even said goodbye to me, how selfish. I was only five. How was I supposed to know what she was feeling? I need her so bad... I miss her so much. I love her, I just don't know if she loved me as much as I loved her. She threw everything away. She was just scared.

A painting can be so meaningful, if you just look at it hard enough.