little Poems

Good enough!

Sometimes I lie awake at night, not because I'm not tired. I lie awake at night because I'm tormented by the judgmental looks of others, maybe people aren't even looking at me, but it feels like they're staring holes into me. Like they're the supreme court, like they can accuse me of not being good enough because I have scars, because I didn't have enough strength to take a shower, because they think they only know me by looking at me. Nobody knows me, not even I know who or what I am. But what I can say for sure is that I wish I was good enough, good enough for society, for each and every one of us. Being different is wrong, being yourself is wrong and being what society expects you to be is wrong because then you are like everyone else. Am I not good enough because of the color of my skin, my religion or even my sexuality? Are you so spotless and flawless that you can allow yourself to judge me? Make me feel I have to change for you just to feel good enough? I wish I was good enoug!

I hang out with my friends from time to time, we've known each other for years, but neither of us knows everything about the other. When you're laughing and joking and no one is listening to me, well when I'm feeling alone, that's when I start dreaming. I dream about the clouds how they darken my baby blue sky with their darkness, how they spoil my mood because they block the sun and laugh at me. It feels like it's my friends laughing at me, maybe they are too and I just don't get it because I hide in my thoughts trying not to notice any of it. I try to flee, out of reality, but her laughter follows me, it's getting louder, it sounds like the sound of the sea, the ocean in which I'm drowning. Yes, you guys have fun making jokes about my weight, my acne, and my small boobs, but I don't. I laugh along so no one thinks I'm weird or a killjoy. I wish I was good enough for you, for my friends. Each of you has your backpack to carry, but you'd rather make jokes about others than yourself. There's a kid somewhere right now who's contemplating taking his own life because his friends made jokes like that about him. He sobs into his pillow, wishing he was good enough. Just like I do every night. Everywhere people wish to be good enough and you laugh at them not knowing how deep the ocean is within them.

Somewhere in this world, a little boy just wishes he were good enough to be loved by his alcoholic father. He wishes nothing more than to be able to go to school when he was 15 instead of having to work or beg to buy his younger siblings something to eat. Every evening he puts them to sleep with tears, he is starving in order to be able to give them a future. He lets his father beat him up so his siblings don't have to suffer. None of you know how hard it is to sit in the dirt and beg for pennies. Nobody knows how difficult it is to work as a dishwasher in a restaurant, even though it's forbidden just to put food on the table. None of them know what it's like to give their father all their money so he can keep drinking and yet they complain every night about the miserable meal that's on the table. The boy just wishes he was good enough to get all his siblings out of there. He wishes he were good enough to please everyone, to make enough money to eat well. He lies awake every night and prays to God, asking him why he's not good enough for him, why he's not good enough for anyone.

The time I dedicate to my best friends is also more exhausting than it seems, because no matter how much I love them and how much I enjoy it, every time I take my shoes off, a load falls from my heart and the pressure on my shoulders disappears like snapping fingers. Every time I'm incredibly relieved not to have to talk and not have to hide my problems because nobody talks to me at home. Nobody notices if I'm there or not. no one sees what I do around the house or how hard I try to make my friends and parents proud. Everyone only ever sees what you're doing wrong, what you're breaking, how your mood is changing or your bad grades. At night when the world falls silent I lie and stare at the blade in my hand and think about putting it on. I wish I could set them up and go through with them without any worries. I wish I was good enough and wasn't a burden to everyone. I wish I could be an anchor and a lighthouse to my friends like they are to me. I wish I was good enough for them to trust me. I just want to be someone to love, trust and be proud of, I wish I was better.

With a blurred vision, I try to see what's on the brightly lit display of my smartphone. I wipe the tears from my face with one hand and cover my mouth so no one hears me sobbing and crying. I would like to scream and curse you to all the gods but I can't because I love you too much. I'm patiently waiting out the weeks leading up to prom, hoping you'll ask me to be your date, but you probably don't even know I exist anymore. Still, I'm hoping that your name will pop up on the screen, that your number will be called, that your voice will ring out behind me, or that you'll just walk through the door and greet me. And when I hear a phone ring, I wish nothing more than for it to be mine. I keep forgetting that I put my phone on silent when you left. I never turned it on loud again because I did that just for you, just not to miss any of your messages just to be good enough for you to fit into your little games you were playing. But now at the end of the year I will delete everything that reminds me of you, that connects me to you or that makes me feel like I'm not good enough. I hope this makes the feeling go away like you were gone. I wish I was good enough for someone to love me, I wish I was good enough and wouldn't ruin it all. I wish I was good enough to be in a relationship, I wish I was good enough for you. Good enough for everyone I've chased away.

Every day, seeing how my parents adore my brother, I have to allow him at the age of 15 to do everything that I'm not even allowed to do at the age of 18. I have to watch him get everything I had to fight for. I can hear every day how great he is, what a golden boy he is. I get to watch her coddle him and how he gets every job he applies for even though his grades are terrible. How proud my parents are of him coming home with a B when I would have been asked why it wasn't an A. Every day and every night I see his hateful grin in front of my eyes, I loved him because he was my brother for no other reason. At family celebrations they all whine to me about what they did wrong with me and that I shouldn't complain, I have the job I always wanted to have and I would feel comfortable there. My parents would have considered and supported every decision I made. But if they had, I wouldn't be sitting in a pathetic office and having to hear that because I was a woman I had no idea. I would walk around in a uniform, helping people and protecting the vulnerable. I would be somewhere abroad, protecting my comrades from the rooftops. But no. Instead, I can listen to how great an office job is for a woman. No stress and no danger, since you could only choke while drinking coffee. I wish I was just like my brother, I wish I was good enough for my parents. I wish I was good enough for my wishes to be respected. I wish I was good enough not to be constantly compared to my brother. I wish I was good enough for the whole shitty world, good enough for every single person on this planet. But good enough is not good enough.
~me (sunday, 6th february 2022)