𝗛𝗶𝘀 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗗𝗶𝗮𝗿𝘆

His Personal Diary: 10

Work Song - Hozier

EPHESIA

God has to hate me. I've known it since I was a small child. I didn't know what else he wanted from me. My grandmother, my love— and as if that wasn't enough, my baby.

The crème colored ceiling was all that my eyes have seen for the past 3 days, that's all I could do- stare. Just stare at the ceiling. It felt like Hercules had ripped my heart from my chest and hacked it into tiny pieces with an axe.

My mother stared at me, I could feel her eyes burning a hole into my skin. I couldn't bring myself to look at her. She was right, I should've terminated the pregnancy when I found out. I had options. Maybe I wouldn't be going through this terrible heart break.

I couldn't get my mind off of my baby. I was robbed of the experience. I just wanted meet my baby, hold them tight and never let go. I wanted to kill Messiah.

I could hardly stand to think of his name. How could he? He killed my baby, he and Elijah had stolen my happiness, my everything. I ever never thought it would come to this.

"Baby girl."
My mother stroked my cheek, I flinched at the cold contact. Everything was cold.

"Hmm."
I hummed in response.

"You need to eat something."
She said before standing to grab a cup of apple sauce from the tray. I had no appetite, how could I eat after losing my child?

I shook my head no, but she held a spoon of apple sauce to my lips.
"Eat."

I allowed for her to feed me the apple sauce, I wanted to do nothing more than go to sleep— maybe never wake up.

When the apple sauce was gone, I could still feel her staring at me.
"Tell me how you feel baby."

"Tired."
I attempted to close my eyes, but she continued to speak.

"I know that, but where are you mentally. Tell me, I'm here. I'm listening."
My eyes met hers. I blinked slowly as tears threatened to spill.

A sigh escaped my lips.
"I'm tired momma, so tired. I wanna go home. When can I just go home?"
My voice cracked and soon tears ran down my face. I couldn't stop crying.

"Soon."
She placed a kiss on my head and wiped my tears.

My mother was right.

••••••

"Maybe you should take a break from work."
Jocelyn suggested as she watched me get ready for work.

I think a week of recovery enough. I needed something to take my mind off of everything. Work was the perfect solution.

"I'm fine Jo."
I gave her a tight lipped smile.

She stared at me blankly.
"No you're not, and that's okay. Come on, take a couple more days for yourself."
She was practically begging me at this point.

I had been back from the hospital for a week, and I wanted to go to work. I saw no harm. The events of last 2 weeks, hell last 5 months had been replaying in my mind— endlessly. It never stopped.

Work would hopefully get my mind off of all of this bullshit. It wasn't enough to go through it, I just had to relive it every second I was breathing.

"Jo, please. I just need to get out and do something. I need to busy myself."
I fixed my hair before moving to put my heels on.

"You have a lot you can do to busy yourself. Starting with that garden out back. I have never known Ms.Ephesia to let her weeds get this out of hand. "
She joked a bit, but I did not crack a smile, not even a chuckle.

All I did was sigh and continue get ready. Standing up, I grabbed my purse and walked into my kitchen. I grabbed my lunch and placed it in my purse.

A gift from, Mess-.

No, let's not think of him.
But I couldn't help it. I needed answers, closure. How could he be so damn stupid.

Jocelyn was of course following me. She began to call my name, I continued to ignore her. I knew she was just trying to help, but she wasn't really doing much helping.

My car keys sat on the table near the door. I reached the table and grabbed them. I wanted to get out of this house bad. Just as I was about to unlock the door and step foot outside, Jocelyn's voice stopped me.

"E, you can't run forever. Running away will only make it catch up to you faster. The more you ignore the trauma, the more it will sneak up on you. I just want you to be okay."
Her words cut me, the truth really does hurt.

"I'll just run faster. Lock up when you leave."

With that I walked out of the door, closing it behind me. Off to work I went.

•••••••
"You don't look so great, Ephesia. Shouldn't you still be out on leave?"
My supervisor, Mrs.Cassidy looked at me with such sad eyes full of pity.

"I'm fine, I think I'm okay to work ma'am."
I gave an insincere smile, hoping she would walk away and leave me to do my job in peace.

"Come with me."
She demanded, instead of putting of a fight I just stood to my feet and dragged myself behind her.

She led me into the break room and shut the door behind us.
"You know, I'm worried about you. You're such a hard worker— but you've just been through something so very traumatic. I know how it feels—"

We sat at the table across from each other.
"To lose a child, it's hard. I think you should talk to someone, but you definitely shouldn't be back to work so soon. Use your sick days, you have tons of those. "

I nodded. Her hands clasped mine. Knowing that she knew how it felt. to have gone through the same experience. Even though it might have been under different circumstances, it made me feel better. None the less, she knew what I was going through as she had been through the same thing herself.

"I know a therapist, I think he's great. I'll give you his card. Even if it's not to him, you need to talk to someone. Holding in those emotions can be harmful. It's not healthy dear."
Tears began to in my eyes. I did not let them fall.

She released my hands and told me to stay put as she traveled back to her office and grabbed the therapist she spoke so highly of business card.

After about 5 minutes she reappeared, card in hand. She slid me the card with a smile.
"He's really great, even got me through two divorces."
She joked, and this time I laughed.

I hadn't laughed in a while. It felt good.
"Okay. I'll give him a call. Thank you."

"You don't have to thank me sweetheart. You don't have to thank me at all."

S.C
Super short filler. Just wanted to get something out for you guys.

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