ɪ ᴛᴀᴋᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴍɪsᴇs ᴠᴇʀʏ sᴇʀɪᴏᴜsʟʏ ☼ ʙʟᴏᴏᴍɪɴɢ ᴘᴀɴɪᴄ xʏx ғᴀɴғɪᴄ ☼

II

No, I wasn't happy, doll.

☼

It was okay, in a way.

     He wasn't from time to time, but the situation in of itself was okay.

     Xyx wasn't entirely sure how he felt by the end of today, when the clock finally struck eight p.m. He told himself to stop checking on his emotions, knowing that he'd adopted this method from one of his previous sessions. But he couldn't help himself the past few weeks. It wasn't the same like when he had the server to check in after getting home, and he'd drive himself crazy sometimes only thinking about Cat's well-being close to the end or during his drive home.

     And he couldn't risk it again with his bike. Not when his leg had finally healed.

     Meaning he couldn't spare too many thoughts on Cat or the previously mentioned server. Not when it brought so many bittersweet memories entangled with echoing voices and blurry faces.

     No, no. Not again.

     It's fine if you can't remember her face. It's better that way.

     You told her that it was better that way, too.

     "Shit," he muttered as he felt that anxiousness and started to play with the ring of his keys again. It was another thing that he picked up at some point, by his own means this time. He limited the habit to practice it out of sight, though.

     Sometimes, it was better to think about the thrilling plans he had for the weekends, which were becoming more frequent than they originally were before. It worked to ease the sense of dread or emptiness he'd suddenly find himself to be in, regardless of how successful his days at the firm were. Other times, when the trick worked a little too well, it only made him more antsy. But a good antsy, he'd argue with himself. An antsy that made him want to feel more cautious when riding, in addition to remembering he had that thieving freeloader to gratefully worry about.

     Xyx hung on by a thread in many ways, and he was well aware of it every day. He'd fall too deep into a black hole when he confronted the idea that Cat might not be so lucky next time. He'd feel the urge to speed on an unknown highway when he felt delusional enough in the middle of the night. He'd be so damn lonely if he wasn't clinging to Cat inside the apartment, and even so, that loneliness gnawed on him like a parasite that grew so massively he could feel the weight of it on his back.

     It drove him crazier to think of what could've been had he not so rashly left the server, to think of what could've been had he just stayed on to give her one more benefit of the doubt.

     Stop.

     Stop it.

     You've been able to forget her face after so long. It needs to stay that way. Please.

     He couldn't go back to emptily crying when he thought about what could've been.

     It's better this way.

     Just trust yourself.

     You'll be fine.