Crainslug

Voicemail

Crainer was sat at the kitchen table fiddling with his phone. A bowl of untouched oatmeal next to him. Over to his right Josh was finishing up his bowl. A frown on Crainer's face, catching Josh's attention, so he sets his made bowl down in the spot next to Crainer. Wrapping his arms around him in a hug, giving Crainer a kiss on the cheek.

"What cha doing Crainer?" Josh says peering over.

"I'm trying to come up with a new voicemail, but this darn phone won't let me tap the generator button," he whines, "Could you help me come up with some?"

"Sure, what was your original voicemail?" Crainer hands the phone to Josh, who sits down before tapping play.

"Hey this is Crainer, please leave your name and number after the beep."

"See, it's so boring, plain, old, anything that conveys the word outdated," confirms Crainer. Josh glances up at Crainer and goes back to Google.

"Now what're you doing?"

"I'm helping you come up with some."

"No, you're searching for some. There's a difference."

"Potater, patater."

"There's no po-potater or whatever the jumble you just said."

"Bingo, a list of voicemails," Josh cheers, waving the phone in Crainer's face. Completely ignoring his previous sentence. Crainer grabs the phone and scrolls through.

"I don't know, some of these are, odd."

"Well, yeah, but that's what makes them fun," replies Josh. Crainer just goes back to scrolling as Josh takes a spoonful of oatmeal.

"Okay, here's one. Hi it's Crainer. So, funny story, my phone and I are playing hide and seek...aanndd...it's winning."

"Not bad, can I see?" Asks Josh holding out his hand.

"You know you have a phone right?"

"I know, but it's too far."

"It's literally just across the table. Stop being so dramatic...fine, take it," he says, handing Josh the phone. He looks through and while he does Crainer finally takes his first bite.

"You cook well," Crainer compliments.

"Thanks. You cook, um...badly."

"Gee thanks."

"You're welcome," Josh retorts.

"That wasn't a tha—you know what, never mind," he says, rolling his eyes as he continues on eating.

"Found one. Crainer's voicemail is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets."

"That sounds funny."

"You sound funny."

"Ouch," Crainer sounds, "what else is there?"

"Um, well, oh. Hey, it's Crainer. Wanna hear a joke?" Says Josh with a pause. He looks at Crainer and motions for him.

"Uh, sure."

"Knock, knock."

"Who's there?"

"Not me. So, leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as I can," Josh finishes.

"Hmm, not really feeling that one."

"Would about this. There once was a slug named Bob and he went up to a house with a man called Lob. The slug knocked and the man saw that the slug was ugly. So, the man called Lob threw the slug called Bob. Ten years later, the slug called Bob knocked on that same door. The man who lived in the house opened that door. And the slug said,' Why'd you do that.' So, what do you think," Josh tells. Crainer stares at him and shakes his head.

"No way am I using that. That was awful. Was it one of the voicemails?"

"Nope, I made that one up. I just changed it a bit," Josh replies, going back to searching. Crainer eats his breakfast as he thinks of a new funny voicemail. The room having the sounds of the clock ticking, Josh's tapping and the clinking of the spoon.

"Maybe, no. Um, would about this Josh. Hey, this is Crainer...I'm trying to spice up my voicemail, so if you're going to leave a message, please, um, make it rhyme with Jelly."

"Sounds like something you'd do."

"Would about you? Find anything?" Crainer questions.

"Not ones that seem good, I have thought of one, but it's more me than you."

"Go for it."

"Hey, this is Josh. I couldn't come to the phone right now, because I forgot to charge it. Haha, you know the life of a not so phone person."

"Yeah, that's more you than me," confirms Crainer.

"How about. To talk to Josh-ua, dial one. To file a complaint, dial two. To see if your extended warranty needs extending, dial three. To send junk mail, dial four. Please press end if you've dialled the wrong number."

"To extend your extended warranty?" Crainer laughs.

"Don't die on me today."

"Stop, please, my lungs can't take any more."

"Any more what, air?" Josh jokes. Crainer wheezes and slowly starts to regain his proper breathing. Clearing his throat before speaking.

"Where did your get that from?"

"I wrote it down in my notes, a while back. Have you thought of anything? This is your voicemail, not mine."

"Right, I forgot. Um...how about. Hey, this is Crainer. I couldn't come to the phone right now. Instead do you want to hear a story?"

"No."

"I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to my potential caller." Crainer clears his throat before continuing. "You do! That's great, just please state your name and number. Then I'll get back to you with the story when you're done."

"No, don't use that one."

"Why not?"

"You don't even have a story. Would if they actually want to hear it?"

"Then I'll come up with one," Crainer retorts.

"About what?"

"About a slug and a, um, pirate, on a ship with an...old barnacle!" Crainer stumbles to say.

"That, sounds like an awful story."

"Then you come up with one, o-mister-wise guy."

"Like I haven't already."

"Fine, could I see my phone now." Josh sighs and puts the phone in Crainer's hand. He goes to his notes and looks through his old voicemails that he came up with years ago. Most seeming too cheesy or dry. Until one caught his eye.

"Huh, let's try this one."

"What's it say?"

"My name is thee Crainster. I can't come to the phone because I am doing something. But if your call is super, duper, mega, life threatening important, then please leave a message after the beep. Unless your Jelly."

"Not bad. It sounds like you."

"Hmm. Now that I'm thinking about it. Maybe I should just stick to the old one."

"After all that. You decide to keep it?"

"Why not?" Crainer wonders while Josh let's out a sigh.

"We really need to work on your decision making."

..crainslug..
Word count: 1111
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