Broken Mirror

Chapter 1

She was in pain for so long, I stayed in that place. She thought being happy was wrong and couldn't find my way. It's like paula was in a dark tunnel with no light at the end of it. Sitting there gathering my thoughts in the dark thinking how I let myself get to this point? How can I just be happy without feeling I will get hurt? Her life was in pieces and in shambles, as a child I was just in this dark place and I don't know why. It's like the girl was always living to make everyone else happy and she never and even tried to make herself happy and to this day I still do the bullshit. Everyone is happy around me and paula put this fake smile on to make it like I'm ok. I'm not ok! "she said in her head millions of times " I just want to go to the middle of the ocean and put my head under and don't come up. People around me make my days more miserable because I hate seeing other people happy, yea crazy right? How the fuck can she be happy when her childhood issues still haunt her that i can't even face because i really hid it for so long that i actually blocked it out my head? Living in the moment of my last days is what it felt like even with a smile on my face. I never came out of darkness because there was never no reason to be happy. I lost myself a long time ago when things just weren't what it seemed in the house. The lies and the verbal abuse I endured bruised me from the inside out! No one noticed though they weren't paying attention until things were falling apart, but who cared that i was already falling apart? No one! No fucking one.

( paula was always speaking in third person,Hi guys i'm paula)

Sitting in the tub with a razor at 12 cutting my inner thigh because I just felt so alone, I wasn't your average child. I practiced witchcraft because at one point I wanted to burn my house down. Thoughts of running away after i got off the bus was in my head and when that man touched me as i sat on my bed i grew to hate the fucking house more. I love my mom and my siblings never thought of hurting them but they seem like they weren't my family because I never felt connected in ways that they do. I used to sit in my room and listen to music wishing my dad would come save me from this hell hole. Oh and when my grandma came over it was worse she hated me and i felt it. All the fucking fake love and the fake shit, i wasn't apart of the family i was just here. How could they not see who I was or what I was going through? I was drowning in my own tears and my own depression because I was scared to speak up! I remember them nights we laid on the floor at someone else's house and someone who was supposed to be my eldest uncle decided to pull my little girl panties to the side and rub his fingers on my vagina, he moaned and he thought i was sleep, i never told anyone because if did they wouldn't believed me and then i wouldn't see my dad and my grandma for awhile.

At 12 we lived on this street in Delaware, it was bad but we still made it happen and there was this girl who lived with her grandma around the corner from us, she was like 13 maybe but anyway she asked her grandmother if i could stay the night so i confirmed it with my mom and she was ok. So when I'm there we eat and we take our showers, her grandmother lets us stay up and watch movies and her playroom. Anyways we are in the room playing and talking and I look over to see her naked. Now i'm thinking she is just changing so i keep playing, i lay on the floor to play with the doll baby and she turns the light off. Now I am asking what's going on. I felt her on top of me taking my pajamas and panties off, I was scared that her grandmother would come in and catch us and I would be in big shit at home, but her grandmother was out cold. She rubs her vagina against mine and keeps going. At first I wanted her to stop but it started to feel great, she moaned and I asked her what she was doing? Young lol didn't know what was going on, but i do know she was good and it felt good. When she was done she asked me to put my lips on her and i didn't know what she meant so she took my head and put my head down to her vagina and asked me to lick so i did, she tasted good and i was loving this. Boom the door busted open and it was her little brother, he was like 2 so she got up and put him back in his crib, she locked the door and she began to put her mouth on me. Since then I liked females but never told anyone, idk where she learned this from. We were so young and i can't lle lmao i liked it.