Broken Mirror

Chapter 3

We moved into our own place but that was hell too, he made me feel like i was nothing like i didn't even matter to him he just didn't have any feelings at all. Wwe had to was clothes one day but he made me walk from our house to his moms to wash clothes, not only did i have my 1 year old son in my arms but a bag of clothes, i cried and cried and when we got to his mom house it was a big argument, he was so disrespectful towards me i begin to hate myself more and more everyday. He spit in my face and looked at me with hate in his eyes, I ran upstairs to the bathroom to wash my face and I sat down on the floor and cried and asked God why was he putting me through this pain again. I don't know what I did to deserve any of this but I just couldn't get over the fact I'm getting hurt all over again.

The steps crack and I hear some creeping up the steps, I hurried to lock the door so he wouldn't get in. He knocked on the door and asked me to please unlock the door but I sat on the toilet with tears scared to open because I didn't know what he was gonna do. I asked him what he wanted and i wanted to leave him alone for good but he talked me into open the door and when he came in and he kissed me on my lips softly telling me

Him: im sorry baby and i was just angry i didn't mean to hurt you
Wiping my tears still wanting to go and never look back
He then went to pull my pants down and bend me over the sink begin to what he called "sorry sex"

When we were done he told me he loved me and he never will hurt me again and i believed him, i believe that we could be happy. I always see the good in people and forget about how I was feeling. But I know I was wrong, I just failed to see the bad things, he manipulated me, he used me for the kindness of my heart and the love I had for him. We had great sex, and we really went through the worst together. When I learned I was pregnant with his child I knew I was stuck and I had no intentions on leaving now. Here I am 3 months pregnant with my 3rd child at 19 still in a damn nightmare oh and things don't get better. We now live in another house next to his mom's house. Nice house and I was comfortable. My kids were great and healthy but I missed all the signs with his mental health. He was going through so much stuff I didn't know about, he never spoke to me about what he was doing outside of home, I wish we would have talked more and asked more questions. The morning of January 27th,2011 things changed and put me in the worst state, put me back in the dark spot where I look into the mirror and everything is broken. I can see the dark soul of myself. Well, he was out all night and came back as a different person. He was off a little but I paid it no mind. He grabbed our 4 month old son and fed him and kissed, he was so happy to be a dad, he was happy then his friends come over and after they left he wasn't that happy person anymore he became angry and as i looked into his eyes and i can see he was scared of something, i tried talking to him but i wasn't getting through. His eyes were so evil and his body was stiff. The world wouldn't know how I felt at that moment or how my life changed. When I saw I couldn't help him, the only plan I had in my mind was to save my kids. The whole day after seeing the gun put me in a panic state of mind.

I've gotten used to being alone and sleeping alone, no man never took me seriously, well i never even took myself seriously. I was so out of touch with life I never gave anyone the chance to love me. After he went to prison I just gave up on love and began to think the only place to be is in this where I couldn't get out or maybe I didn't want to. I tried so long to keep myself from blaming myself for my son losing his father at a young age. For so long i dat and cried and buried all my hurt from being raped and the verbal abuse and now to losing the love of my life, although he's alive but him being in prison is like he's dead. He was the only man I knew, I didn't know anything. How was I gonna survive without him? What was I supposed to do with 3 kids and only 20 years old? I wa so fucked up in the game, i didn't know anything about getting my own house and i didn't have a job. When me and my children were living from house to house and motel to motel.