Broken Mirror

Chapter 2

The year 2008 i was 17 and had 1 child at the time and she was 3 and we were living with my then boyfriend's family at the time. You know, tough times but anyway everything was good and my mom and siblings were ready to leave the house. The house was so depressing, we were dealing with roaches and dealing with my ex boyfriend mom who was fucking annoying and i knew she hated me, i didn't give a fuck though because i was fucking her son good and he was in love with me girl like he wasn't playing with the girls when it came to me chile. Anyway bitch let me tell you how i was fucking him and i could've swore they was listening some weird shit, so we there for couple months now and my mom worked and tried to get us out of there for so long, it was hard to watch her struggle but we had to worry about school and that was it. I struggled with school because i was just in this dark place and couldn't seem to get things in my head, my life in high school was pretty lit besides work wise. As a struggling student and a female with so many mental problems wasn't quite the life you wanted in high school, I was already a mom and had my own damn issues as a teenager. My sophomore year things got better. I was actually happy I was close to getting out of my mom's house and back to Jersey with my dad. You know where I wanted to be right? On the morning of Oct,16 2008 i was 17 years old, anyway i was late idk for some reason i was dragging to get it together for school.

SIS: come on ( she yells from outside)
Paula: just go ahead of me sis i just got out the shower imma be late

My sister went ahead of me to catch the bus for school, when I finally got dressed I grabbed my bag and my phone that was on the charger, as I rushed outside to catch up to my sister but she was already at the bus stop. I'm walking as fast as i can to make sure the bus doesn't leave me, suddenly this guy comes around the corner and bumps into me, although it wasn't my fault i said sorry and rushed on my way to make the bus. I then hear footsteps behind me and as I turn around I see the same guy who bumped into me running up behind me. I stepped into the road because I thought he was running past me. He pulled out a silver gun and pointed into my face, when i begged for my life and told him i have a daughter and i'm only 17 it only made him more angry in about 2 seconds i could see the gun and what he was wearing, he turned me around and put the gun to my head and told forced me into someones backyard. When we got to the backyard he pushed and and pointed the gun at me and told me to take my clothes off, as i cried and begged him to not to do this and to let me go he just wasn't having it, pointed the gun more and more i took my clothes off slowly with tears in my eyes. He kept the gun behind my head when he got in back of me forced me on the ground and raped me. I tasted the tears that rolled from my eyes and the pain was unbearable. I can still hear his voice in my head telling me if I scream I would die, suddenly other kids who came out the house to go to school moved the trash can and he got scared and got up, took my stuff out of my book bag and grabbed my phone and ran. As i get up barely could walk, i get to the front and i see two teenagers who i believed was siblings, i aksed them to call the cops i was just raped.

I was broken, I wasn't myself and never gained back who I was, the loving sweet 17 year old was gone. Every mirror on the wall was broken and as I looked in them I didn't see me. I was gone forever. I started having night chills. I will wake up out of my sleep with tears in my eyes. I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying. I couldn't be a mom anymore because I just wasn't myself, life just wasn't the same. I began to look for love in the wrong places, I also started drinking and trying different drugs. One night I took a pill and I forgot about all the pain. I was on the internet looking to have sex with different men and sometimes women, things were a success sometimes but when i got done i just showered and cried because this is not who i am, this is not what i'm about. I met this guy before i was raped but i would never talk to him but after i was raped it didn't matter, we fucked and fucked til i couldn't anymore a month later i found out i was pregnant. My son changed me to become a better mother. All I needed was love and the day I had him was the best moment of my life. When i had my daughter it was a great moment of my life but I wasn't broken when I had her.

I moved back to Jersey finally with my daughter and my son. I had nothing, we lived with my dad and then we lived in a motel that sat in the middle of town. Struggling and being on welfare, I then went to live with my cousin and my aunt who helped me out alot. We would dance and model clothes just laugh and have fun and take the pain out of my eyes for a moment. I had to do classes for receiving food stamps and cash from the state. My cousin would watch my son for me as I went.

2009 I found the love of my life. We met on odd terms. He was high off of pcp but when we talked and had the sweetest conversation, i fell for him so fast because we just clicked and one day he called me and we talked all night. The next day i went to his house and i met his mom and other family, i stayed the night and when i tell you the sex was so amazing. He laid me down and kissed me and when he pulled his dick out i looked as if i seen a ghost, his dick was so big, so when he put it inside my vagina i creamed so fast on his dick and as he goes deeper and deeper it become more easier for me to take it. I moaned and he moaned when he pulled it out i would put it in my mouth i sucked his dick so good,looked into eyes as he would put it back in to my vagina, i became so wet and for the first time i squirted all over his dick and he nutted inside of me. We fell asleep and he loved holding me, the love was so real I was amazed how we fell in love so fast. I was coming from a dark place and he took all my pain away, he loved and treated my kids as if they were his. My daughter was 3 and my son was 3 months and I moved into his mom's house with him and there I thought i found peace but things started changing. He never stopped doing drugs so he would have his mood swings and sometimes his hands got the best of him. One day we argued and argued and when i said something he don't like he then punched me in my mouth, i had a swollen lip for days, i called my mom to come get me and take me back to delaware with her, but i loved him so much i kept going back and kept being his punching bag. He used to be so high out of his mind I was the only one who would still be there holding him and forgiving him, the times he would throw my clothes outside and put me out. At 12 midnight my kids and I would be walking down broadway to my grandma's house, here I am back in this dark spot I thought he helped me from. This guy was more verbally abusing me then physically but they both put me in a place i never wanted to go back too, he told me i deserved to be raped because all i was or ever be is hoe. He dragged me by my hair down the hallway and down the steps and outside because I wouldn't do what he asked. I lived in this house and I just wasn't happy but I stayed and stayed because I didn't know how to leave him. He helped and then he tore me down just to pick me up again.