Finding My Way

Found Love

"Were you really going to give up that easily?"
I turn around to see Chase standing where I originally was sitting, bundled in a hoodie with a winter jacket on over it, a beanie covering his hair.
A small smile plays on my lips as I say, "well, it's not like I have your skills. I couldn't make them let me in."
I shiver in place and hold the backpack against my chest, not daring to take the first step towards him. Now that I'm here, now that he's in front of me... I'm too scared to say the words I thought would fix things. The words that should've explained why I left him the way I did just wouldn't come to mind.
"I," I sigh, "I didn't really think this through."
He nods in response.
"Well, I did, but..." I let my voice trail off, still unsure what to say. Looking at him, I feel every emotion. Lost, love, hope, fear... but most of all, anger. I'm mad at myself. Mad at the fact that I did this to myself. Mad that I let him go when he was nothing but good to me.
"Let's at least go inside," he says. "You look like you're freezing."
He turns and starts towards the building and I follow him.
"They kicked me out," I note as I close the distance between us.
"Well, you're with me now, so you'll be allowed in."
I nod even though I'm still a step behind him and he can't see it. There were so many words I wanted to say to him, but none of them felt right. None of them felt like enough.
Chase leads me past the security guards, through a hallway by the concert stage, and back to a dressing room. He sits down on the beige couch and I join him, sitting on the far end, facing him.
"So, how was tour?" I ask, trying to avoid the real reason I'm here.
"It was good," he nods. "A lot of sold out venues."
"I saw," I nod. "Congratulations."
"Thanks," he says, but I can tell it's half hearted. "Y/n..." his voice trails off, and I know I need to just get it off my chest.
Instead, I say, "I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have come." I go to get up he puts his hand on my right wrist to stop me.
"Wait," he says, then pushes my hoodie sleeve up to see the TouchBand on my wrist.
A small smile takes over his face, "you're wearing it."
"Since you left for tour," I admit. "Honestly, I had this whole thing planned out. When I was going to see you, what I was going to say and do... but now, I don't know."
"Just speak with your heart," he shrugs nonchalantly.
The words from my Uber driver come back to me, you don't have to get the words right the first time, if it's from the heart, he'll know.
I take a deep breath, "when I broke up with you... it was for so many reasons. So many. But... they all boiled down to one thing."
I pause, working up the courage to say the words. "I... I don't feel like I'm good enough for you, Chase."
"Y/n," he starts to interrupt me but I hold my hand up, cutting him off.
"You're this... this sweet, loving guy. And you're becoming a rockstar. I mean, this is your second tour within the last five months. You deserve someone who actually deserves you, who's good for you and not making you constantly worry. Someone that's not so insecure that she thinks you're cheating on her whenever you're seen with another girl. Someone that's... happy and secure with herself. I knew I couldn't give that to you. So instead of holding you back, I just... I had to let you go."
I wipe at the few stray tears that were running down my cheeks as Chase says, "then why did you come here?" It wasn't asked in an accusing way, more out of innocence and wonder.
"I," I sigh, "I don't know. I saw you went live and when you realized I was watching you just... you lit up. And you talked to me. That's what told me to come here. To see you. Because... because I need you in my life, Chase."
"These past few weeks have been hell," I look up to see his eyes are shining, with both tears and emotion. "The most I got to hear your voice was on your voicemail. I pretty much have it memorized at this point," he laughs dryly.
I nod my head, "I still haven't listened to those yet... I haven't worked up the courage to." I knew hearing his voicemails were only going to make me cry, so I didn't listen to them in the airport or on the plane ride.
"What about the flash drive?" He asks gently.
I pull it out of my hoodie pocket and hold it up, "not yet. When I got the envelope I basically had Gwen rush me to the airport."
"You haven't listened to that yet?"
I shake my head.
"Ugh, y/n," he throws his head back with a groan, "you don't read well, ya know that? The note said it was important."
"Getting here felt more important."
"Hold on," he gets off the couch and grabs his laptop out of his bag before walking back over. He takes the flash drive out of my hand and plugs it into his computer, opening the file and pressing play.
His voice starts playing over the speakers:
"Technically, I'm alive,
drinkin' poison to survive
'cause without you here tonight, I don't care if I live or die,
now you're back, I'm a mess,
you don't even understand,
I was only walking dead, now I can't lose you again
God, you have the prettiest eyes,
so this is what it's like to feel alive
...
I would follow you through the dark,
just so I could be where you are
all that time we were apart,
I had half a heart..."