THAT HOLE IN HER HEART | KURAPIKA ❀

i. : twelve am

ONE

I watched as the time on the clock switched to twelve am. Its officially been six years.

A light knock at the door caught my attention. Turning my head back, I found Rowan standing at the door. Fourteen years three months and seven days ago, Rowan was born. Having Rowan was truly the best thing that has ever happened to me. Having her brought me and him together more than I thought it ever would. We were closer than ever when she was born.

There was only one light source in my room, a small lamp on my bedside table that illuminated the room with a warm orange glow. Rowan's always been extremely beautiful. Especially since her father was so pretty. She got my hair, but she had her father's grey eyes. They even turned red when she experienced extreme emotions, just like her father. Her hair also turned white and could heal anyone, but she (thankfully) hasn't really been put in that position to heal someone.

"I know, mom." A smile pulled its way onto my lips.

It's now been six whole years.

Rowan steps closer to me, taking her seat beside me on my bed. Her fingers trail up my back and rubs circles on my shoulder.

Ive never been enough for my daughter. Ive been an awful parent. And I always blamed my behavior on something out of her control. This isn't her fault. If she had a choice of what happened, she wouldn't have chosen this. He was always a better parent than me. He treated her much better. And when he got mad, he never showed it, he just stepped back and took a breath and came back to the situation when he calmed down. I couldn't do this. I acted out. There's been times when I ended up hurting Rowan. I really didn't want to, I was just dealing with issues when I couldn't think straight. Ive really tried to fix myself. I don't want to hurt her again.

I'm glad that she still wants to be around me, though. Or maybe she's just acting because she knows she can't really leave. I always end up questioning myself like this. Nothing seems to make sense to me anymore. Everything was so perfect and now it feels like things have just fallen apart. I'm the adult here, and I'm supposed to know how to fix things. Unfortunately, I cannot meet the expectations demanded of me as a mother, and I have truly failed my daughter.

"It wasn't your fault, mom. I know you think that sometimes. Nobody knew. Not even Leorio. Things just happen, y'know?"

"Right." I mumble, only loud enough so she could hear me. "You doing okay?"

"Don't worry about me, I know this is harder for you, mom."

It wasn't. My daughter isn't supposed to be some therapist to me. This is even probably way harder for her than it is for me. Ive gone through what she's experiencing. I know how horrible she feels. I know that there's that hole in her heart where her father belongs, but he's no longer there to fill that hole.

Because six years ago on this day, Kurapika, my husband and Rowan's father, disappeared.

He told me that he was going out to hang out with Leorio that day. After about six hours passed, I became worried. I texted him, and waited again for another hour. He didn't even read my message.

I called Leorio and he picked up the phone.

• six years ago •

"Hey, (Name), what's going on?" Leorio questioned from the other side of the call.

"Hey, are you and Kurapika still out? Can you tell me when you guys plan on coming back?"

"What?" Leorio seemed to be drinking something because something was spat out of his mouth. "Kurapika isn't with you? I came back home three hours ago. He should be back with you now?"

You know that crazy feeling you get in your stomach when you just piece something together? Something that you just really feared couldn't be true. It was possible that Kurapika could be dead somewhere. The phantom troupe just disbanded a year ago, but there still could be members that he angered that are out to get revenge. He really isn't safe out there.

"Hey, Leorio, we need to find him."

"Uh, obviously!" He said in a sarcastic tone. "We can meet up and search the town for him. Who knows what kind of trouble that guy got into. He has such a bad temper." Leorio mumbled on.

A loud crash came from the room next door. Rowan must be playing around and caused a mess of some sort.

"Leorio, call me back. Text me wherever you want to meet and we'll go from there."

"Right I'm getting my keys. Ill see you later, (Name)."

A scream came from her room. She obviously hurt herself. I fumbled around on my phone, sending a message to my friend asking if she can babysit. I ran into the room, Rowan on the ground next to her broken doll castle. She must have fallen on top of it.

"No, shh, it's okay." I ran my fingers through her hay, trying to calm her down. "Point to me where it hurts, okay?" She sniffled while pointing down at her legs. "Did you trip on the castle?" She nodded slowly.

There wasn't any blood, just a bruise. I ran into the kitchen and got an ice pack and placed it onto her leg. Her crying had stopped and she was starting to feel better. A sudden knock at the door made Rowan's head snap up. That must be my friend.

"Rowan, I'm going out for a bit. You'll be watched after and Ill be back later. Stay safe for me."

•present•

Me and Leorio spent the whole rest of that day driving around and asking people if they had seen Kurapika. Nobody had. We filed a police report and they made a missing person poster.

Months had past and I still hoped that Kurapika would walk into these doors and wrap his arms around me, explaining what had happened so that everything could just go back to the way it used to be.

I think the worst part of this whole situation was that Rowan was so young when this happened. She was only eight. Me and Kurapika had dealt with losing family at a young age as well. I know exactly how she feels, even if she thinks she's fooling me. I know how lonely this makes her feel. And I really wish I knew how to help her with these feelings.

It just wasn't fair that this happened to us.

"Just get some sleep, mom. This is how we live. I'm sorry. This is it. But at least you have me."

I pulled her into a hug, releasing a sigh that I had been holding in for way too long. "Thank you so much, Ro. You go get some sleep too, it's getting pretty late."

WORD COUNT : 1155 words . . .