THAT HOLE IN HER HEART | KURAPIKA ❀

vi. an extra coffee

SIX

"(Name)," The therapist, Janet, said as she read over my reasons for coming here. "Ive been told the reasons for your visit, but I like to give my patients a moment for themselves to talk to me and tell me what's going on. Would you mind telling me what landed you in here and how you feel about it?"

"Okay, well I'm just going to start off by saying I know how you therapists try to get in people's heads in hopes that you can figure out what's wrong with them, but I just want you to know that there's nothing wrong with me, I just happened to do shitty things that landed me in here. Of course I'm a bad person, but I don't think that is something that can be cured.

"Before I came here, I decided I'd get some breakfast because this therapy session was scheduled so early and I had only just rolled out of bed when I realized that I needed to leave. I just got an egg and which and some coffee, and then the cashier asked me how my day was. And I thought that since I'm trying to turn my life around, I would be honest, because honesty is the best policy. So I told her that I was coming to a therapy session after having issues in my life. She asked me what my issues were, and for a second I felt like she was intruding a little, but I just let it go and told her that my husband had gone missing.

"And then she just started crying. Right there in the middle of the restaurant. And there was a line behind me and everyone was groaning because I held the line back by making the cashier cry. I reached out to her to ask her what was wrong and she just said that this news was upsetting to her because she has a husband and she could never imagine losing her husband. She then asked if I would like to have a free coffee thrown in for my troubles.

"It made me laugh a little to myself that she thought giving me an extra coffee would solve my issues. But I didn't want to upset her any longer and just took the coffee. And I don't even need the coffee because I had already ordered one and now I just have an extra coffee sitting in my car.

"Anyways, this isn't really all that relevant. I came in here today because I have an issue with myself and this issue only continues to grow, and I ended up harming the people around me because of it. I have a daughter that I had with my husband who went missing six years ago. She just turned fifteen and she lost her father when she was eight. When I was younger, I lost my entire clan to a gang. I know that my daughter is going through a lot right now and I want to be able to help her, but I'm dealing with loss too and I feel that I'm being too selfish.

"The other day, we had her birthday party. She turned fifteen. After most of the people had gone home, there was only three of us left. I had walked into her room and helped her set up one of her gifts, and then the last person that was in attendance at our party stopped in the room and told us about a gemstone that belonged to my husband's clan. My daughter, who doesn't know any better, took this as her father stealing the gemstone. I tried to explain to her that he didn't steal it and because he was a part of the clan, that the gemstone belonged to him. I don't think she completely understood me, so I became angry and hit her. It's definitely not something that I'm proud of, but it happened. And I know that it makes me a supper shitty person.

"But you're a therapist, so I guess I should tell you a little about myself. (Name) (Last Name), who are they? Well, I was born in (birthday) and I am currently 27 years old. I am married to Kurapika Kurta, but he is currently missing. I found Kurapika back when I turned 17, but when we were children, we lived in clans that were very close and we were in an arranged marriage. We were taking the hunter exams. Yeah, I used to be a hunter, please hold your applause." There was a moment of silence before I continued. "Me and Kurapika both had mutual feelings for each other throughout all the years that we have known one another and a wonderful relationship had grown from our time together. We got married and eventually had my daughter.

"But there's a part of me that just feels like there's so much about him that I'm missing out on. He's out of my reach now and it makes me feel horrible. There's something about Kurapika. His clan has red eyes and my daughter inherited those eyes. Their eyes turn red whenever they experience extreme emotion, and when I see that color on my daughter, I think something inside me just breaks. Those were the same eyes that belonged to my lover and now I just don't get that anymore.

"This isn't any excuse, I think it's just the reason why I act out, because I miss my husband. And I think it's totally okay for me to miss him. They way I'm acting isn't, and so I came here today to find out how I can change. Because I need to change. My daughter deserves a better mother. I need to be a better mother.

"But there's things that I remember. I remember back when my daughter was younger and Kurapika was still around. He was so gentle, with the both of us. After we had just brought my daughter home, he practically forced me to stay in bed because he didn't want me to work. He cleaned the whole house, all the dishes, and fixed everything while I was laying in bed. I was appreciative, but Ive never felt more useless in my life. I wanted to make Kurapika comfortable, but in those moments, I felt like a burden. I felt like I was just some lying lump he had to take care of.

"Of course when I got my strength back, he let me get up and do what I wanted. Kurapika had issues with his anger before, but after Rowen, my daughter, was brought home, all of that changed. He never got angry with her. When she did something wrong, he explained to her why she couldn't do that. I wish I could be like him. I wish I could be a better parent.

"He was the one who played with her because her clips worked perfectly in his hair. Rowan loved dressing him up. Kurapika was very pretty, he was just a very beautiful man and he looked good in everything Rowan dressed him in. She even tried to do his makeup once. I didn't have the heart to tell Rowan that he looked like a clown, but it made me happy how well he could get along with her.

"I can't really remember myself back then, but I do know that I wish I could get along with her as well as Kurapika could in this moment in time. I think she deserved better from me. And I wish I knew how to be better like Kurapika.

"But I guess there's no point looking back like this anymore. Kurapika's not here and it's been six years. I'm not exactly sure if he'll ever come back home."

I looked up to Janet, she glanced up at me and gave me a soft smile. "Do you have a diagnosis for me, then?"

"Well, it seems the source of your most recent issues are from the disappearance of your husband. Because everything you've told me is a direct comparison from your life before he went missing to your life now." Janet said. It was only now that I had realized she was taking notes this whole time.

"Yeah." I sigh. "Kurapika's just gone and everything is worse now."

WORD COUNT : 1390 words . . .