THAT HOLE IN HER HEART | KURAPIKA ❀

vii. super shitty mom

SEVEN

Janet told me that maybe explaining my emotions to my daughter and remembering how times were before could help. She said she was just a therapist and count really diagnose much or put me on any medications. Apparently she had just started working there a week ago.

I'm a little embarrassed that I had let so much of myself out like that, but I did feel better to get some things off of my chest. Maybe talking things out really will help with everything.

Rowan is at school, but I want to set something up for her when she gets home. I want to make things better. She's going to be the only one around to help me later when I'm old, and I don't want to be some chore to her when that time comes.

I decided on making her favorite meal and laying out some painting supplies since she had mentioned that she was really happy to be taking an art class at school. She's done enough for me and now I want today to be all for her.

When I started cooking, I looked up to the clock and saw that she'd be home in about thirty minutes, so I have plenty of time to get everything done for her. And she deserved this. She deserved so much better than what she's getting.

And I think that if I keep getting this help, I can be everything she needs me to be. I miss Kurapika and I wish that he was here, but I think I'm starting to accept that he's just not here, and after being missing for six years, there's a huge possibility that he never will step into this house again.

It pains me to know that my best friend that Ive had for my whole life is now gone. But I have to live on. For Rowan.

I finished her food and set the table. She'll be home in five minutes. I sat in the living room patiently, going over in my mind what I would say to her when she walks through the doors.

'Hey, Ro. How was school? Did you learn anything new. Oh yes, you are smelling your favorite dish. It's sitting down at the table waiting for you to eat it. What's that? Yep! There is paint on the table. That's because I know you like art and I wanted you to have a chance to show me how great you are at it. And Rowan, you mean the world to me and I'm so proud that you're here and I want to make things right with you. I want to be the mother that you deserve.'

The door opened and I stood quickly. Rowan glanced at me before shutting the door.

"Hey, how was school?" I asked, taking her coat and rolling it down her shoulders.

"Mm. Fine I guess. It was just like any other day. Did you cook something?"

"Yeah." I smile, placing my hand on her back. "I made you your favorite."

"Oh, thanks."

She stepped over to the table and sat down, taking her fork and beginning to eat. I don't want her to hold on to my accident a couple days ago. I want her to trust me.

"I got some paints because I know you really like your art class." I said, sitting across from her. "I really wanted to see how great you are at it. And you said your teacher hung your painting on the wall?"

She nodded. "Painting can take a while, but thanks for the supplies. They can be expensive sometimes."

"You know I'm proud of you, right?" I really want to fix things.

"Yeah." She mumbled, finishing her food.

"And I'm really glad I got to sit down with you today. I'm trying to be better. Because you deserve so much better."

She gives me a small smile. "Thanks."

She brings her plate over to the sink and washes it off before heading back into her room. She must have a lot of work to do.

I felt small tears pricking in the sides of my eyes. I think I did something. But I know it's going to take more than this to get things right.

It's really hard. I mean, it's easy to be nice to her and really try, but the hard part is doing it everyday and being consistent. And I don't want to get mad at her again and act out.

I need to control my emotions better, because that's my problem.

I took my plate, washing it off in the sink. I let out a deep sigh as I collapsed on the couch. The whole house was quiet, and I missed the noise that there was when Kurapika was here. How he always made Rowan laugh.

Rowan was back in her room, and she wasn't making any noise. She could very well be asleep, but she's probably just doing her work. She always seems to have so much work after school.

I'm probably just adding to all her stress. I rubbed my eyes, deciding I should just turn on the TV to distract myself instead of letting myself make me feel so bad. Because I don't deserve that.

That's all Ive learned from therapy: nobody deserves bad things.

I don't feel like this is a good application to take. Some people do deserve bad things that happen to them. I certainly deserved the intense guilt I felt after hurting Rowan. It was a bad thing with a consequence, and I won't say I didn't deserve that, because I did.

I glanced over to the table. Rowan left the art supplies. I decided that I'd take them back to her room, just so they're out of the way.

I stood in front of her door, taking a deep breath before knocking softly. I didn't want to wake her, but I also don't want to intrude if she's super busy.

There was a low mumble on the other side and I opened the door.

"Hey," I whisper. She was sitting at her desk, looking over some papers. "I was just bringing these in here so they weren't sitting out." I said, placing the paints on her table.

"Thanks."

"Everything going okay in here?"

"Yeah it's fine. Just studying."

I nod, rubbing her back and stepping away. "I'm getting help, Rowan. I think Ill finally be better for you. And I'm happy that I'm getting this opportunity to change. And I want to apologize for that night. It wasn't right."

"I know that wasn't right, mom." She sighs, pushing her papers away from her. "But you've done this so many times and after each time, you told me that you would get help and fix everything, but it only ended up happening again. Mom, this is just some crazy cycle that you will never get out of. You will always end up just messing it up again. And Ive accepted it. It's just the way it is for me."

I stood in silence, finding it very hard to make eye contact for her. "I'm sorry, Rowan." I don't want to start crying in front of her. "But I'm taking real steps now. I went to therapy this morning. I'm actually changing now. I don't want to keep disappointing you."

"Okay," She sighs. "I don't want you to tell me how much your changing, I want to see it. I want you to act like you care from now on."

"I will."

She closed her eyes and let out a breath. When she opened them, she smiled at me. "I can tell that you're getting better, though. Even if you've only gone once, it's made a difference. You made me dinner and got me these paints. Thank you, I really do appreciate it. You're not the shitty mom that you think you are."

WORD COUNT : 1319 words . . .