Boston Blood

Seventy one

She held onto him, sobbing confused tears. She knew she must be hurting him with how tightly she was squeezing but she didn't care. She was afraid to let go, terrified that she was imagining that he was there. How the fuck is he here? He was dead. I saw him and James said he was gone. She couldn't bring herself to ask him the questions she needed answered. She wanted to hold onto this joyful moment a little longer because she knew that when he started explaining why he lied, she was going to lose it and fucking kill him. He didn't say anything for a long time. He just held onto her right there on her bedroom floor.

Every emotion she had ever thought she could feel was running through her. She couldn't think straight or understand. She kept going back and forth between happiness and anger wanting to both kiss him and murder him at the same time. After her sobs subsided she had worked up enough courage to look a him. He looked good. Tired, but good. His hair was longer as well as his beard and he looked bigger, somehow but the kindness and pain in his beautiful blue eyes was making her weak. God, she missed those fucking eyes. He waited for her to speak and Frankie couldn't decide if he was just trying to give her time to process everything or if he was afraid. That thought made her smirk, inwardly.

"Eight months. You've let me think you were dead for eight months." She whispered, trying not to break her death glare but he was visibly crumbling under its intensity. "I know. I don't know where to start, Frankie. I am so sorry. I was trying to protect you."

Frankie scoffed, becoming completely overwhelmed by the rage she was trying so hard to control. She pushed him as hard as she could and stood up. Her body felt like it was going to combust. She was shaking and wanted to scream her lungs out. "You're sorry? You're fucking sorry? How could you do that? How could you let me believe you were dead? You fucking left me to deal with all of this. I thought I fucking lost you." Cillian rose to his feet with his hands raised. He was trying to tell her to calm down, to not wake the girls but this only infuriated Frankie more.

"Shut up! Don't you dare tell me to calm down you piece of shit! You want to pretend you care about Lucy now, huh? Go to hell! That girl thought she lost everyone she's ever loved. Protecting me? That is the biggest load of shit I have ever heard in my life. Eight fucking months of blaming myself for not saving you somehow, feeling like I was the one who made Lucy lose her uncle. I fucking loved you, Cillian!" She was screaming now and didn't care who heard her. In all the sessions she had had with Dr. Fox, she never really let it out, not properly anyway and screaming all the things she was afraid to say to the man she once loved felt good. But Cillian looked nervous. He inched towards her, shushing her. He was scared. Good.

"I didn't think I was going to get through losing you. Eight fucking months and just when I finally started to think that I could maybe try and let you go, you show up here and say you're fucking sorry! I can't fucking belie-,"

Cillian clamped his hand over her mouth and pushed her body against the wall. She screamed and cursed under his cold skin and raised her hands to pound on his chest but he grabbed both of her wrist in his free hand and held her there. "Frankie. I know. I completely understand why you're so mad. You have every fucking right to be. I thought it was the right thing to do. Believe me. I hated myself for putting you both through that but I was just so fucking afraid that if I stayed in your life that you wouldn't be able to finally be happy. You deserve someone better than me. I'm a fucking asshole and you need someone who will take take of you and not ruin your fucking life like I did. I know you can't forgive me but I am truly so sorry. Please, at least believe that."

Cillian had started to cry and Frankie's heart broke when she saw the vulnerability in his sorrowful eyes. She stopped fighting him and he eventually pulled his hand away form her mouth but he held her there still, the close proximity of his massive body was making her ache. "James was able to stop the bleeding that night but I was in real bad shape. He wasn't even sure if I would make it. When I came around I asked him to tell you that I was gone. I just wanted you to be free of me and this fucking world and all the fucking destruction I cause. I wanted you to get away from all of it and give Lucy a chance. I was so afraid that the cops or someone else would come looking for me and I couldn't do that to either of you. You've been through enough and I thought that if you thought I died, you would finally be free. But the only problem was, I didn't realise how hard it was going to be, letting you go. I missed you more than I can even explain. I kept wondering if you were okay and just wanted to see you and Lucy. I couldn't stay in Boston, obviously, so a buddy of mine got me a fake passport and I moved to Canada. I tried to make myself believe that I had done the right thing, that I was keeping you safe but my heart was broken. I just had to see you. I came over to Ireland three days ago. Please don't be mad but I asked Colin where you were. He couldn't believe it when I called but he swore to keep his mouth shut. I got here and had just planned to check on you and Lucy but when I saw you in the playground, God, I can't even explain it, Frankie. I just-, something just came over me and I realised that I couldn't be without you. It's the most selfish thing I've ever done, coming here. I've already put you through enough and I know you hate me, That's okay, really. But I just wanted to see you one last time. I wanted you to know the truth, you deserve the truth, Frankie. I'm sorry I was such a fucking coward. I love you, Frankie and I'm sorry. I'll leave for Canada in the morning and I promise you won't see me again. I just needed you to know that I was okay and that you have nothing to blame yourself for."