Safe Place

6: Sort-Of-Heartbroken-Ish

Natasha's POV:

I head out of Wanda's room, a tiny bit cold without my hoodie, and nearly trip over Steve in the hallway. He has his head in his hands, mumbling to himself under his breath.

I squat down next to him. "Hey, Rogers," I say, shaking his shoulder. "Snap out of it. What's going on?"

He blinks at me. "Nothing, Nat. I'm fine."

"Sounds familiar."

He chuckles his dry, old-man chuckle. "Seriously, I'm all right. But we all need to talk."

"Ooh, serious. What, are you pregnant?"

Steve just looks at me, either not seeing the humor or just ignoring it. "No. But we haven't really all spoken since the big fight last week. It's not healthy to let unresolved issues just sit."

"Since when are you a therapist?" I ask, but his face stays steel-cut and stony, encased in his tough-super-soldier mask. I sigh. "Fine. I'll get the I-Hate-Tony-Squad, you grab the rest."

"So basically you're grabbing Clint?"

"Yup," I reply, already turning to leave. "Kitchen in five. Oh, and congratulations, Captain."

*FIVE MINUTES LATER*

Everyone is absolutely silent, propped up in various places around the kitchen. Vision is standing with his hands folded in the center of our awkward circle. No one speaks for a full minute or two until, surprisingly, Tony pushes back his chair and gets up. 

"Sorry, guys," he says. "And sorry to Nat especially. I shouldn't have said any of that. I was out of line." 

"Tony, I shouldn't have said any of that stuff either. That was uncalled for." Clint sounds like either a miniature businessman or a puppet controlled by his wife, Laura, but he seems sincere.

I blink. I literally never thought I'd see the day that Tony would apologize - or Clint, for that matter. But they did, and their apologies has sparked a loud chorus of "I'm sorry"'s and "I didn't mean that"'s and even a "Your human customs are most complicated and very confusing, but this one is by far the strangest". 

And just like that, everyone is talking again. Clint is patting Tony on the back, Rhodey is pouring everybody coffee, and Steve is walking around to every person and apologizing individually - because, well, he's Steve. I should be relieved, I should be talking with everyone - but for some reason I can't jerk my mind away from Wanda. It's just that she's...such a good person. She shouldn't have had anything like that happen to her.

I slump back in my seat as Sam comes up to me, croissant in hand, so relaxed you never would have thought that a week ago he was running from the room for fear of conflict. "You good, Widow?" he asks. "You're kind of on another planet."

I nod coolly, and he nods back and walks over to Steve. The two start chatting, and I rest my head on my hands and think. My thoughts bounce back and forth from Bruce to Wanda, then from Wanda to Bruce. When I pick up my head, everyone is gone except for Steve, Thor, and Clint. They're staring at me curiously.

"This is creepy," I tell them. "Clint, you're married, and Thor, you're in a serious relationship. And Rogers, no offense, but you're not exactly my type."

"Come off it, Romanoff," Steve replies. "You've had your head in the clouds for a week now."

"Just tell us what happened with Bruce, and why you've been sulking for the past eight days, and we'll leave you alone," Clint adds. Behind him, Thor nods between bites of his blueberry pancake. I groan.

"Fine. I liked a guy. And he left. So I miss him. But I'm not heartbroken," I tell them, completley emotionless. The guys are all giving me "seriously" looks. And okay, fine, Bruce hurt me. He hurt me a lot, but I wouldn't say I'm heartbroken. At least not completely.

"Fine," I amend. "I'm sort-of-heartbroken. Ish. But I'm fine! I'm used to abandonment. I'm Russian."

"Being Russian has nothing to do with anything," Clint scoffs. "You just need to get back out there. You noticed anyone cute lately?"

Why am I blushing?

"Looks like it," Steve says seriously, as Thor hoots and kicks his legs like a child. "Who is it? Is it Hill? She's taken, you know that, right? Is it the cute curly-haired guy from the Helicarrier? It's not Tony, right? Please say it isn't Tony." Clint mimes throwing up behind his back.

Here's the thing: the entire team knows I'm pan. None of them care in the slightest - we did have to give Thor a quick lesson on the gender and sexuality spectrums, though - but all in all, the team is super chill. Steve is openly gay, and it's just a suspicion, but I'm pretty sure Tony's queer too. Anyway, it's not like it would be weird to tell them I like a girl or an enby person or anything. 

Not that I like anyone. 

"Come on, Woman of Spiders," pleads Thor. "Tell us who it is that you are besotted with. It is very clear that you -"

"Thor, not now, okay? I'm - I'm still figuring it out. I gotta train," I say, and nearly sprint for the door. Once I've made it to the training room, I sit on the giant bouncy ball and rest my elbows on my knees.

It's like I just said - I'm sort-of-heartbroken-ish. I should be thinking of Bruce all the time, missing him. And I was. But now I can't stop thinking about someone else.

It's just because I feel bad for her, I tell myself, over and over. I just want to protect her. I barely even know her.

And not that it matters, but she's probably not even queer.