Against the Odds A Love Story

Chapter 13

A hurt of the heart is as indescribable as verbally painting a picture of a sunset for a person who has never seen color.

Thirteen

We were sitting on a blanket, each of us holding a cup of lemonade, when I began to tell Hayden about the call. I told him about the offer and what my decision had been. Through my whole explanation, he hadn't said a word. He just continued to stare out over the lake. When I finally finished, he surprised me by turning to look at me. My own eyes had never left his face the entire time.

“So, why didn't you tell me this morning?” Even as he asked, I saw something in his face that wasn't there before. I saw a storm brewing behind those beautiful gray eyes.

“I didn't say anything because I had already made up my mind. I don't want the job.”

He heaved a deep sigh and pushed a hand back through his long tousled hair. “Well, at least now I know what was wrong when you came out earlier.”

When he became silent again, I hurried on. “Hayden, listen to me. Really listen. My mind was made up as soon as she asked me. There was no question as to what I would say.” I touched his arm. My life is here, with you.” I took his large hand in mine. “You are the most important thing in the world to me.”

“That's a lot of money, Raine. You sure you can turn it down just like that? I mean, you must have at least considered it.”

 I tucked a spiraled lock behind my ear, wishing I had brought something to tie my hair back. But then again, Hayden loved it when I wore my hair down.

“Truthfully, I was flattered. No, actually flattered is an understatement. I was seriously thrown for a loop to be made such an offer. But I was never tempted.”

Hayden tossed a pebble out across the water. “Still, you didn't tell me.” He looked at me. “I feel like you were purposely keeping it from me.”

“I wasn't keeping anything from you,” I said, not liking the way that sounded. I sighed painfully. “Hayden, please don't accuse me of something I'm not guilty of. I love you and I would never try to keep anything from you. It just wasn't important to me. If I had truly been considering it, believe me, you would've been the first to know.”

He drew his long, lean legs up and wrapped his arms around his knees. After a couple of moments filled with agonizing silence, he said, “I don't wanna hold you back, Raine. I don't wanna be the reason you give up that kind of money.”

My heart was suddenly hammering in my chest. I couldn't believe he was saying these things. Trying to keep my voice calm, I said, “You're not holding me back. Give me a little more credit, will you? If I had wanted the job, I would have taken it. But I didn't.” When his expression didn't change, I started to get a little angry. “When I really want to do something, Hayden, no one will keep me from doing it.”

“What's that supposed to mean?” he asked, anger entering his voice as well.

“It means that I love you and I don't want to leave, and no amount of money or position will make me leave. I don't need it, and I don't want it. I only want you.” I paused. “You're what I need.”

He said nothing, but I saw a flicker of softening in his eyes. Taking advantage of that moment, I moved closer and touched his face. “I love you, Hayden.” He remained silent and my frustration worked its way to the surface once more. “Please don't push me away. I didn't do anything wrong and I don't deserve this.”

He turned to me then, and I was startled by the hard look in his eyes. “No, you don't deserve this. You deserve better, a lot better than me.” He stood. “Call them back and take the job, Raine. We can call everything off.”

My heart instantly dropped. “What do you mean?” My voice cracked. “What are you saying?”

“I mean I'm not gonna stand in your way. You deserve a lot better than me and this kind of life. You can have better if you go back.”

I felt tears threatening, but I refused to let them come. I couldn't understand how things had come to this. How could two phone calls change our lives? Our plans? I stood up and moved to stand in front of him.

For a second, the conversation I had with Caroline earlier came back to me, but I quickly pushed it away. In my mind it couldn't be that simple. There had to be more to it and I was beginning to feel too angry to think rationally.

“This isn't about money, Hayden and you know it. I don't need money. This is about you pushing me away. I don't know why, but you are. You said you loved me. You said you wanted to marry me more than anything. Have you changed your mind? Are you having second thoughts? Are you suddenly scared to make the commitment? I mean, it's like . . . like this is your way of getting out of marrying me, of getting rid of me.”

He said nothing but continued to look out over the lake, the furrow in his handsome brow deepening. At another time, I would long to lift my fingers and smooth it away.

Taken aback by his continued silence, another thought suddenly came to me. A thought that was so painful, yet to me, seemed so likely, I suddenly felt cold. I again pushed the intruding conversation with Caroline aside, coming to my own conclusions. That 'getting some attitude' emotion I had managed to rein in through the years was ready to cut loose. I felt the straps breaking. My eyes narrowed slightly as I looked up at him. Then I snorted, which I could tell definitely took him off guard.

“So, I guess you've dabbled in a little brown sugar and decided you'd rather go back to white. The new flavor has lost its excitement. Is that it?”

He winced as if he'd been slapped. “That's not how it is with me, Raine. You know that.”

“I thought I knew you. I thought I knew you better than anyone, but I guess I was wrong.” I paused, trying to keep a strong hold on my emotions, but I was quickly losing the battle. Even still, I was determined to keep my pride in tact. I pressed my palm against my forehead and shook my head. “I can't believe this,” I muttered under my breath. “You know, in some ways you're no different than Jerome.”

His piercing gaze snapped to mine and I saw anger flashing in his eyes. “Woman, don't you dare compare me to him! I would never cheat on you or treat you the way he did!”

“No, you wouldn't cheat on me, but you sure know how to make me feel the same way he did! Oh, I'm fine to make out and get your kicks with, maybe even eventually sleep with, but not good enough to commit to.”

“That's not true, Raine.” His voice broke slightly. “I could never use you that way. I  just think this is for the best.”

“What's for the best exactly? Telling me you don't want me before you end up stuck with me? Is that what you mean?” I took a deep breath and pressed my lips together tightly. I suddenly felt tired, and I needed to be away from him. I silently emptied the cups and put them back in the basket. Then I picked up the blanket and folded it. “Take me back, please.”

He closed his eyes and sighed. “I never meant to hurt you, Raine.”

Yeah, whatever. “I'm done talking. Just take me back.”