Against the Odds A Love Story

Chapter 14

If pain could be buried in a hole in the ground, the earth would be dead.

Fourteen

The ride back to the ranch was completely silent. When we reached Caroline's, I said nothing as I got out. There was nothing left to say. But as I watched Hayden take off up the driveway toward his house, I felt him literally yank my heart away and take it with him. And I knew I would never get it back.

I was numb as I entered the house. Caroline met me in the hallway. She took one look at my face and knew something had happened. Saying nothing, she took my hand and guided me to the living room. It wasn't until we sat on the couch and she put her arms around me that I began to fall apart. Once the tears started, I couldn't seem to stop them.

Caroline held me and rocked me while I cried. I couldn't believe this was happening. Hayden had completely pushed me away. For some reason he didn't want me anymore, and now I just wanted to die. I had never experienced anything so excruciatingly painful in my life. I loved him so much and I didn't know how I would be able to live without him. Even though I had been married before, Hayden truly was, without a doubt, my first love, and he would be my only one. There was no one else in the world for me but him.

When I could finally stop crying enough to speak, the only thing I was able to get out was, “Hayden doesn't want me anymore. He told me to go back to Atlanta.” Just saying it brought more tears.

“What happened?” Caroline asked, handing me a box of tissue from the end table.

It was still another full minute before I could speak again. Then I told her about the second phone call and how upset Hayden was because I hadn't told him. I told her everything that was said between us.

By the time I was done, I felt a little relief having gotten it all out, but the pain was still prominent and cut through me like a knife.

“Raine, I want you to listen to me,” Caroline said, taking my hand. “It's like I told you this morning. That man is scared, pure and simple. He's scared of losing you.”

I sniffed and wiped my eyes. “I know what you said, but how can I believe that? He just spent half an hour telling me to go back to Atlanta and take the job. I tried and tried to tell him that I didn't care about the job, but he wouldn't listen.”

“That's because he's running scared. He's trying to make you leave now because he thinks he'll eventually lose you anyway.” She sighed. “I know Hayden, Raine. I've been around him long enough to know what makes him tick. And as sure as I'm sitting here I know he's feeling that you'll one day get tired of this life and want to go back. So if he makes you want to leave now, it will save him the heartache of dealing with it later. I know it doesn't make any sense to you, but it does to him, and right now he's so scared of losing you, he's not thinking rationally, even though he thinks he is. I thought he was all right after our talk last night, but apparently I was wrong.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head in frustration. “Can't he see that I love him too much to ever leave him? Doesn't he have any faith in me at all?”

“Faith doesn't have anything to do with his decision, Raine. That man has always been alone. And while I know he has had an experience or two with other women, you're the first one to truly not just turn his head, but turn his heart, too. You own that man, Raine, heart and soul. This is the first time in his life he has ever been in love. It's the first time he has ever been committed to anyone.”

“You mean was committed.”

“I mean is, only he doesn't realize it yet. But he will.”

“So am I supposed to just wait for him until he finally realizes it?”

“If that's what it takes.”

“I don't know if I can, Caroline. How can I stay here, be here where he is and not be with him? It would tear me apart to see him every day. It would be too uncertain.” I chuckled bitterly. “I guess Jerome was right.”

“Right about what?” Caroline huffed. “I can't imagine that man ever being right about anything.”

“He called me earlier to give me his unsolicited, yet coveted opinion on my decision not to go back to the agency.” I shook my head as tears again filled my eyes. “He said he would give us a year, or rather he would give me a year before I got tired and wanted out of this life. Ironically, it's Hayden throwing in the towel, not me.”

“Oh, Jerome can go suck on a cow pie!” she spat angrily.

I smiled. As always, Caroline's words concerning Jerome were choice. I heaved a deep sigh, not knowing which way to turn or what to do. “How do I do this, Caroline?”

She was quiet a moment before she spoke again. She looked into my eyes intently. “I know everything seems uncertain, but how much do you love him, Raine? How much are you willing to risk? Is he worth taking the chance?”

Her last question stopped me cold and caused me to think. I had already given up the chance to have something that had at one time been my dream. I had given it up for Hayden. I hadn't wanted that dream anymore. I had a new dream that completely obliterated the other and vanished it into nothingness. Could I give up on a life with him so easily? Give up on our hopes? Our dreams together? Could he?

I again sighed painfully. But how could I stay? It would be too painful to stay. “I don't know if I'm up to it, Caroline. I don't know if I'm strong enough.”