When I got to the ward, I asked my shrink if I could see my father.
He seemed taken aback, but he didn't say no.
All he said was that it might be a little bit harder to contact him and that it might take a while. And it doesn't come as a shock but I've got all the time on the world. So I'll wait.
While waiting, I decided I had to pay Sarah a visit. I have to clear things up.
I knocked on the door, but when she called out asking who it was, my throat felt dry.
What am I supposed to say?
'Hey, sorry my fiancé was rude.'?
Or, 'My bad Sarah, I didn't know I was married.'!
God, this is not going to work out. The door opened and I yelped while jumping back.
Sarah stood there giggling and then suddenly trying to make a straight face again, but failed. And then she went back to her giggle fits.
She shook her head, a small smile on her face.
"Here I am trying to hate you, but instead you make me laugh. God, you must be very suave. You've the grace of an elephant trying to get out of a bookstore."
I laughed at that.
"Don't you mean a buffolo in a China store?"
"Nope!!! Elephant in a bookstore."
I laughed at the ridiculousness of her words.
My face went back to its somber look.
"Listen, Sarah, I... I'm sorry. What happened back there, I-"
"No, Chase, its okay. You don't have to apologize. I'll... I'll just let it all die off. All these feelings and stuff... it'd be better to move on." She shuffled her feet while staring at the floor, telling me all of this. No. I can't just forget how I feel about you! It would be like killing off a part of me!
I got up and did the first thing I could think of. I gave her a hug, just holding her as close as I could. Holding her as if she was my last chance at life.
"Sarah, I can't just bury it all away. It's not that simple. Please..."
I began to tear up. All this shit that's been happening to me. Why the hell do I have to lose the only good thing I have left?
I felt that my shoulder was getting wet. She was crying.
"No... Sarah, please don't cry."
She pushed me back with a shaky laugh.
"Do you really think it's all going to work out in the end? You're married to the snow bitch, I haven't slept in days now, and I just... I can't see myself in the future anymore! I... I can't see myself being alive."
"Are you saying you just.... just want to die?!"
"What do you think?"
I threw my hands in the air in a the-fuck-kind-of-shit-is-this?! motion.
"I think it's batshit insane!"
"We're all here for a reason Chase. And I don't think mine is ever going away."
"Can't we just-"
"No. We can't. Chase... could you... give me some space? Please?"
"... alright. I-" I choked up a bit. "I will if that's what you want."
Her eyes flashed with uncertainty for a moment, and I thought she was going to take it all back but my hopes were crushed just as quickly as they came. She went back into her room and shut the door. Not even a single goodbye.
I... I want to start all this over... fix everything but... its impossible. Well Chase, looks like we're going on an adventure soon. Time to just work this out later and focus on meeting your ghostly dad.
