Violet Rose

Chapter 4

When I woke up Monday morning, for the first time in a while, I didn't groan at the sound of my alarm ringing. Instead, I jumped straight up and out of bed, eager to start the day. I was so excited for my date with Loryn, and had been so giddy last night preparing my outfit. I had called one of my friends to help me decide what I was going to wear. Which was not uncommon for me, but what was uncommon was how much I wanted to impress her. All my life, I had never really cared what other people thought of me - even people I was dating. I figure, why care what other people think as long as it makes you happy? But making Loryn happy made me so happy, and so I really wanted to impress her. I'd picked a deep purple minidress that would pair well with my long red hair, heels, and I planned on wearing my best lingerie underneath it - who knew what was going to happen?

Anyway, I got up out of bed and made myself a smoothie. I hate breakfast, so I usually avoid eating any actual food before 10 AM, choosing to get my nutrients from fluids instead.

Next, I worked out for a bit. I was listening to music, because who the hell doesn't listen to music when they work out, and for some reason every single song was reminding me of Loryn. It was crazy. I honestly couldn't tell whether I was doing it on purpose or whether it was natural...like somehow my instincts were telling me that she was what I needed to be thinking of, no matter what I was doing, who I was with...and usually I hate that sort of thing, that sort of magnetic feeling that draws you to something without you even really meaning for it to happen. I only hate it because I think it's dangerous. It's dangerous to be attracted to something. Attraction can be fatal. But this time...that spark, that danger didn't scare me. Because this danger felt good. This danger felt like it couldn't end badly...it didn't feel wrong. It felt more right than ever. And in some fucked up way, maybe that meant it was wrong. Maybe that meant that my brain was fucking tricking me. Maybe this was all a mistake...maybe I got caught up in this too fast. But then I couldn't help but think...what would life be like without her? With Loryn? What if I could get up in the morning and just ghost her. Then it hit me - I literally could do that. I could just forget about her? I could just forget about being happy? Was I happy? What was this thing she made me feel when I was around her? I know, it's supposed to be called love. But I want to describe it in so much more detail than that. I want to let it wrap itself around me and fill me with whatever the fuck makes it so damn...amazing. I want to stare at it - I want to see it. I want to watch it grow, on and on forever. And as I visualized it in my head, I realized I wanted to do it with her. But the vision in my head just kept getting...blurry. When I pictured us, happy and smiling and staring up at the sky, with all of it's changing colors, I couldn't help but see her smile fading. Her eye's going dark. She would tell me she never loved me. She would tell me love was an illusion. That this whole fucking thing was an illusion. We were never meant to be together. We could never have a future. I was a fucking mess. I wasn't good enough for her. I wrote songs in my bedroom every day and called it a fucking job, how could I ever be good enough for her? Scientifically love was chemicals. That's all this was. Chemicals. Stupid.Fucking.Chemicals. Chemicals were the reason I wanted to live, and the reason I sort of wanted to die. It wasn't her. It was chemicals. That's why nobody had ever loved me before. Because love was chemicals. Being happy is a sad thing. Being happy is a bad thing. Love is a bad thing. Love is a bad thing. Love is a sad thing. Love is a good thing. No what the fucking hell its nothing. I'm nothing...she's everything. But what if it never meant anything. What if -

I closed my eyes as my body began falling. I felt a thud as my head hit the floor. I am aware that this likely took place in about 5 seconds, but to me, I felt like I was falling for an eternity, falling down into a never ending void. What was in that void, I may never know, but it seemed...oddly comforting to be surrounded by perceived nothingness. When I fell to the floor, I felt no pain, no suffering. I was indifferent to whatever I was supposed to be feeling, and I only felt what was on the inside. To this day, I still can't describe that feeling, and I hate to disappoint anybody, but I'm not going to waste my time trying.