A Leppard's Kiss of Fate: A Def Leppard/Kiss Romance

Chapter 3-Nightmares and Sweet Dreams? (Tommy Thayer Dream POV)

A/N: Tommy is in this chapter, not awake...he is still alive...this is what is going on in his mind...

Am I dead? I don't know.... maybe I am, maybe I'm not.... I can't be dead maybe; Jamie wouldn't grant me that in life....and if I WAS dead...he'd still very much haunt me...he still does as a matter of fact....so i conclude...that i must be dreaming...

How much time passes out in the world, again assuming I am asleep I have NO idea. At times it's like I want to open my eyes, but I can't, and I hear voices.... very familiar ones, that I haven't heard in years, what the hell is going on with me? is going on period?

I see images, so many images that flash before my eyes....and I relive what I remember from before Jamie...I guess nearly killed me? Beat me with out mercy? What ever you wanna call it...

I see and feel my self being groped in a car....and my 'boyfriend' feeling what I was so desperate to keep hidden, yet too desperate to keep.... telling me I would PAY. I try to run but am frozen in fear...as we get out at a pub, I am dragged into an alley....and I hear, "I'm done with a worthless piece of shit like you..." I FEEL PAIN, SO MUCH FUCKING PAIN....and the smell of blood...left for dead, left as trash.... this I see over and over and fucking over again.

Then comes the past, meeting Jamie...me being extremely shy....us eventually dating if you can call it that. I was SO young, a teenager...still am young, but I digress. Jamie was charming, I thought I was in love at first, that someone NOTICED me. Soon the possessive behaviors started, the PAIN...and then Black 'N" Blue hits it big at least some, things start getting worse and we open for Kiss and Def Leppard as things really start going to hell.

I look at no one, but Jamie...'my world'...but, but I feel brave making sure Jamie didn't notice and notice Joe Elliot from Def Leppard...those eyes, that hair...and he seemed nice for a rock star...but then so did Jamie...look where the fuck that got me.

All these nightmares, over and again and repeat...These nightmarish memories....

Then come sweet 'dreams' mixed in with the nightmares and oh what torture that is!! For instance, I find myself in the hospital.... i think. I hear machines beeping, I can't open my eyes...it seems in this, I am a participator and not a spectator. There is one voice that always stands out that I hear more than anyone, that oh so familiar British voice that i cant remember, so kind...so kind...kindness I DO NOT deserve...not someone as broken and as used as ME.

"Just thought I'd tell you; things are going to be ok. I promise.... I promise." And then I swear I hear things like: "Heard you love star- gazing, maybe someday I can show you them...like an observatory. There are SO many places I'd love to take you/ "You'll always be safe, loved, protected"/" You'll always have a home here, from now on you'll have choices"

I hear so many things....so many things like those words and then I swear I hear another British voice, not sure who...and then I hear Eric...Oh eric, my best friend.... this is torture!!! I miss him, I miss Paul, Gene...why can't I wake up?! Live?!! Or Die?!! I just want peace.

Then those voices fade and scenes more scenes play out.... scenes I long for to be true, but that's why their dreams, and I thought mine had died...have been dead for SO long. I see things flash before my eyes such as:

I am sitting on the ground, at a park. British voices all around...seems I'm in a London Park.... My stomach is rounded and firm, I am pregnant and so happy, and it seems Its not my first. I feel warm arms around me, arms that I LOVE and there are flashes of gold and silver on our hands, we're married and a little girl, about 2 years old is playing who has some of my features but looks like someone I know...my husband it seems and is with her dolls in front of me and my husband....my love.

"She loves her dolls." I smile as I am then kissed, SMILING into that, loving the feel.

"That she does my ladybug." My husband says as the baby kicks at our hands.

I got to say something, but our daughter toddles her way over to us, "Mummy, Daddy.... i feel baby move?" Her angelic little voice chimes.

"Sure, darlings feel your sister move." My husband says as our little girl places her hands on my stomach, feeling her sister move. Then that scene fades....and I feel as if I could cry...I am on the outside looking in....

Visions, more visions.... scenes of me being broken, so broken and yet a person whose face I can never see is there, being patient, being kind...never getting angry for my outbursts, my break downs...just helping me along, I open bit, by bit...by bit.

Then those same nightmares of Jamie come back and one among them gives me chills watching it play out before me...I scream at myself, to be strong...to flee...:

I seem to be pregnant, but I know it's not Jamie's as I am married, I think to the same person I feel and hear in my dreams...I am having a girl, so maybe it's my little girl from the park...I am happy, gathering groceries at the market when I hear that voice, that I'd long thought gone call out:

"Hello...Tommy...long time no see."

"No!! Don't turn.... don't turn!!" I scream at myself. But I turn....and freeze in fear at seeing my ex: Jamie.

"J-amie..." I stammer, dropping my items, vaguely aware of them scattering as I cradle my stomach protectively...

"Still stammering I see...and oh you're pregnant. Hmm.... just think we could have had our OWN. But you would have loved it more than me..." He hisses, advancing upon me as I back up.

"Don't call MY baby an 'it'! I would have loved it yes, I wish you had've!! You killed that poor innocent baby and nearly killed ME. I never truly loved you...go to hell." Deadly silence....Jamie darts forward, and as scared as I am I have my unborn child to think of, so in a move that shocks him and me, I swing my fist as hard as I can knocking him out cold...as my baby kicks at me frantically....i feel sick and faint....but then I find myself in the hospital....and it seems my unborn daughter is very well....she will be ok...she will be ok.

All the above, as I have said play in my head on repeat.... the nightmares, the nightmares...they are what i deserve all I EVER will deserve. Those 'sweet dreams' too are nightmares...because they torture me...make me long for the impossible. Yet I can't deny they felt good, being married... being loved  and loving my children...I want them...I want them all. But I feel forever trapped, forever broken...for ever the worthless piece of shit.

A/N: A heartbreaking and bittersweet glance into Tommy's dreams, his nightmares......trapped in his brokenness, longing for something he wants, but in time...once he does awake, perhaps fate will yet again strike, in a good way. Stay tuned for more.