Nightmares, nightmares...and more nightmares, they come whenever I get what little sleep I can get. I refuse therapy, it's not what I need or at least that's what I am telling myself. Still so much that I am keeping bottled up inside, not good I know. But, then there's Joe...Joe Elliot, a man who despite my 'episodes' and 'outbursts', is as patient and as kind as can be...so kind. I mean, I DO talk to him just to talk period...but not truly talk unless it was the first day of my physical therapy, Joe who seemed to UNDERSTAND, I needed that...I DO need that. The point is he understands me. But then when he's not there, I seem to do worse.... because he's always there...he tells me he'd never willingly leave me, and they've had to force him from my side. And I FEEL guilty because he and everyone else...the toll this is taking on them.
Like for instance one night, Eric...Eric Singer had come with Sav to see me, Joe was there, but Sav made him go get some rest or took him off for a cup of coffee, honestly I forget which, and I freaked and managed to pull out my IV, blood EVERYWHERE...WHICH made me sick....but they got me cleaned, the bed clean and i got blood....I got sick as i said. Gross... A burden, that's all I am. A burden. I'd done it , what i did because...I couldn't keep doing what I am going thru right now to everyone...and I'm not getting help from a therapist for my mental trauma.....I...just, want it to stop. I've had a few tiny moments here and there it feels of progress or clarity, where maybe I DO better...but I try...I want to try...
"Tommy...Tommy..." Eric managed to say after, me curling in on myself, unable to look at him. "I'll go get Joe..." He sobs.
"No!! Eric...no, he needs time for himself...to fucking breathe..." I cry, and then add, "Besides, he'll find out anyway and he'll blame himself...hell I blame ME. He'd be right to do so...he'd be right." I say forlornly.... Joe is fetched anyway and arrives in record time, it really kills me., the fear in his eyes, the sadness.
"Tommy...Why? I'm not angry but why?" He asks, in tears.
"B-Because...I-I can't keep doing this to everyone...struggling with every fucking little thing...struggling when YOU leave, struggling with the toll this is having on everyone! And I can't talk about it, I find myself, trying sometimes.... i just...can't." I lay back spent, but I look at him.
"Tommy, I know. I know...don't feel guilty, about struggling so...you're not a burden! Never, I won't push you for therapy, even though it may help...I need you to get better...because I and everyone...don't wanna lose you." Joe whispers.
After that, I didn't open really...a bit here and there.... but physically I got better, bruises gone inside and out, and I could walk fine on my own....and it's my last night here...
Which brings us to now, me walking around my room a bit, before I sit down on my bed and layback, I notice Joe is beaming at me.
"You're doing wonderfully with walking Tom! How does it feel?"
"I don't feel so shaky walking, I walk fine...it's just everything else. I mean, mentally I'm still mostly shattered.... like trying to glue a shattered vase back together. I seal or have sealed teeny, teeny cracks...but its not enough. The nightmares, no matter what I do come...they still come. Jamie won't leave me alone! He's out there...out there still. It scares me...I mean the toll this is having...it's like I must start my life all over again." I sigh heavily and suddenly I hear as if he is literally in the room: Jamie.
"You don't belong....be honest, how patient can some one be? Why would he care? Could he really love you?"
"S-Stop...stop...just STOP!" I yell, pulling at my hair, rocking myself back and forth. PTSD, sucks ass.
"Tommy..." Joe...Suddenly I feel a warm pair of arms around me belonging to him and I instead of flinching, relax...though I am trembling...trying to head off a panic attack as I start breathing heavily. "Listen to the sound of my voice, focus on me...that voice that I believe you are hearing...I imagine it's Jamie's." I nod shakily, still trying to avoid an attack, desperately.
"I-It is...HIM.... a-as if n-nightmares weren't enough." I stammer. Gently Joe rubs my back and just keeps talking...I need it, so much...
"Shh...I know...I hate that he's hurting you still. You've only been awake for a month...but you can't sleep...you haven't truly slept. Tommy? I hope you know that you are worth EVERYTHING, you're very sweet, kind...no one expects you to be mentally better yet and I do see those bits of progress you've mentioned, and I am so DAMN proud of you. I will do whatever it takes to help you, whatever it takes...no matter how long." Why does Joe, feel so safe and warm? Do I trust him as a person? I mean, he's proven time and again, that he's a good person, a good man, sweet, patient, kind...he's done so much for me, but I still feel I am not ready yet. Still not ready...for how I feel in his arms, scared for another relationship...wait where did THAT come from?! In any case, he's my friend...
"Joe?" I question, calmed down now...I find that he still has me in his hold, and I find myself so very warm and a little confused.
"Yes Tommy?" Joe's beautiful orbs, again where did that come from? Wait, he is very attractive, I can admit...I'm NOT TOTALLY blind. "Thank you for standing by me, no matter my outbursts...just for being there, even though I know it's not easy. It just means a lot to me, but I am still scared and confused about a lot...and well...just thank you."
"Like I have said I will ALWAYS be there, in whatever way you need. Now how about a walk? Clear your head perhaps? Or we can stay here." Joe states, almost earnestly really.
"Maybe a walk?" and with that, I get out of bed and find myself feeling strange when Joe lets me out of his hold, but he stands there patiently waiting for me, so close I could touch him and so we head out of my room. Joe sticking close to my side. We walk for a bit, talking about various things and we run into Mabel, my nurse...who smiles at us and suddenly, I find myself standing in an arboretum? Joe notes my surprised look and says with a smile...
"I've been waiting to show you this, you were kind of zoning out...but so was I...I enjoyed our talk and I love talking to you period...but anyway, an arboretum in a hospital...they'd put it in because it was very therapeutic for patients to at least have the FEELING of nature. These and gardens, are some of the best places to be." Joe leads me to sit beside him on a bench.
"This is so peaceful! And my only complaint...is I can't see the stars." I sigh.
"Oh, you will, you will." Joe says.
"So, your home? Tell me about it again...I mean, I know you have before." I practically beg, which prompts chuckles from Joe, which makes me blush.
"I'll tell you about it as many times as you want Tom....and it's our home. "Joe gently corrects me, then says, "20 minutes outside London...private, a large place...garden, you can see the stars...your room, has its own balcony overlooking the garden, like the roses and the violets. You can smell those quite well from your room, and it's warm...decorated especially for you , your room and the house, may be large...but its cozy."
"And my room has bookshelves? And-And...." I trail off.
"Bookshelves, comfy chair...dressers and the like.... i may have had help painting it in your favorite colors, a feline friend of yours spilled the beans." I can hear the smile in his voice, as I continue to gaze out at the arboretum around us.
"Let me guess? Eric, wasn't it?" I shake my head in amusement. "He can't keep a secret to save his life. But he's a good friend...like a brother. But he can gossip like there's no tomorrow."
Joe full on laughs and to me it sounds like bells, "Bloody hell... can he! And him and Sav together? Those two are made for each other. I believe Eric corrupted Sav."
"I wouldn't doubt it." I say, we talk for a while longer before I get exhausted...and try to sleep. The nightmares come...as they always do...but then they don't last as long as they always do, I mean...I don't wake up screaming like I have been, I suppose that's a good thing...but Joe, Joe is there for whenever I need him...and together with him I will truly start to live my life, that is my greatest hope, is to finally heal. just heal...
A/N: Some rough moments, more building of the bond between tommy and Joe....and more. Stay tuned!
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A Leppard's Kiss of Fate: A Def Leppard/Kiss Romance
RomanceSummary: Fate has a funny way of playing out.... What if you were in a relationship, a very abusive one with your partner and then they finally and completely abandon you, leaving you BROKEN in all ways? For that is what happens to one Tommy Thayer...
