Absinthe In Colour Purple *frerard*

24. Sleepless Slumber

Finally, the air was getting chiller, Autumn was coming.

He threw the notebook out long ago. He had a fight long ago.

"Faith, when did you leave me, took happiness and gave me this confusion."

Donna was hugging him, pressing her older son close to her heart, where he was always welcomed.

"Honey, let's talk about it."

Gerard sniffled, tears like drops of rain, and the storm was coming, closing in. 

"I know you're judging me, mom, I can feel it," Gerard cried.

"You're my son and I will forever love you," Donna sympathetically stroked his hair.

"Fine.

"We were, well, I thought I'd never see him again. And with Nick... it was warm and safe. He thought I was perfect and maybe to him I was. He intentionally made me feel important, smart, beautiful... and we had a connection, or so I thought..."

Donna nodded, even though he couldn't see her, "what about Frank?"

Gerard's heart skipped a beat.

"I could talk about him forever, but I love him so much, it's impossible. I can't explain. He is bad for me, I know. He makes me crazy, he makes me ruin nice things, he makes me question everything... I- I just feel so much and so intensely."

Donna let it rest. She embraced her son for the last time and then pulled his chin up.

"It's your decision, darling. Whether you want to stay in the gray area afraid of the burning white and gloomy dark... or take a leap of faith and see where it ends. But if you decide to jump, know that you will also fall down, and it will be tremendously hard. You will scream, hate him, hate yourself, hate the world. But the good parts," she sighed, "oh, how good are the good parts."

But it never is quite as simple with hearts. They have a mind and body of their own. They have mouths to scream, hands to shake us, vocal cords to sweet talk to us. Indeed, complicated creatures who in spite of it all survive the hardest battles. One can't help but to love them.

Gerard knew he won't see Nick ever again. But he wasn't keen on seeing Frank either. 

***

Flashback

"Please, stay, we can work this out," Nick begged.

Gerard was crying, Nick's face was pale as the moonlit night. The gloomy bleakness.

"Don't you understand?" Gerard cried, "I have nothing left to give you!"

"Yes, YOU, all I need. I swear to you, I'll take you as you are. It was a mistake, we'll make it through."

Gerard swallowed hard, there was no easy way to say it, "Nick, I don't want to make it. I love him."

He looked away, couldn't bear to hear the words, but was harder to see the face. That swift change of expression, the fire in 'i love him.'

Nick took his hand then, softly, not passionately. "We cannot part like this. I'm giving you a chance. You have a week to decide whether you want to get your heart broken again or to mend it with me. He or me. Last chance."

Then he bowed and kissed his hand, letting him go, hoping that the moment won't last forever. And Gerard stood there, watching Nick's slender back moving farther away. His shoulders he once lay with his head on, his too-bright hair he played with... that was all his, but Gerard knew he himself belonged to Frank.