Leah Grimes

Chapter 136

I found a corner behind our apartment building and sunk down against the wall continuing to press the bottle to my lips until it was about halfway empty. I hit the bottle down beside me tipping my head up to the sky and smiling. The entire world was spinning and I now had to dig my hands into the ground to try and steady myself. I stayed like this the entire night enjoying the feeling of not feeling.

I sighed as the sun began to creep up again. I used the wall to push myself back up. By now the alcohol was beginning to fade and I felt like shit. "Where have you been?" Daryl asked as I stumbled in the door. "Worked late." He nodded, "get some sleep. I gotta head out to work." I hugged Judith and RJ, "have a good day at school guys." RJ looked up at me, "where's my lunch?" I bit my lip, "shit, sorry I forgot." I ripped open a cubard grabbing a plastic bag and shoving an apple and two pieces of bread which I quickly spread some butter on. "This is the best I can do right now. We can get ice cream later." Judith smiled, "bye Leah. Love you." I forced a smile, "have a good day guys."

As soon as they'd all left I went back to where I left that bottle and brought it back upstairs with me. I took another sip and immediately felt sick. I flung myself onto the ground in front of the toilet throwing up. When I was done I sat back against the wall wiping my face off. I pulled my hair back and eventually stumbled back into the kitchen taking another sip, this time forcing myself to keep it down.

This viscous cycle went on for a couple weeks. Every night I'd "work late." Then I'd throw together some shit lunch for Judith and RJ and send them off to school. When everyone was gone I'd sneak a new bottle in and instead of sleeping I'd chug it back until I could force myself to feel something. And when I did I usually pranced around in Carvers sweaters making up false scenarios in which he was still alive, running his hands all over my body, protecting me and loving me. Other times I stood in the shower completely motionless, just letting the water trail down my body.

I had just taken the last sip of my new bottle and kicked my bedroom door open grabbing Carvers sweater singing to myself, and smiling as I ran my fingers through my hair. I stopped for a moment staring at myself in the mirror, I literally laughed out loud when I saw myself. My eyes were almost completely red and had large very noticeable bags underneath of them. My cheeks were pulled in from the lack of everything I've been giving my body lately. "Fuck you. Fuck you Leah." I spat at myself. I then knelt down to my mattress shoving my hand under it feeling for my last bottle. I had just twisted the cap off when I heard the door open.

"Daryl?" I whispered trying to hide the bottle in my sweater. "Are you fucking drunk?" He asked slowly walking into my room. I let out a drunk laugh, "no. Definitely not." He grabbed the bottle from my hand, "I asked why you were working late so much. Turns out you haven't been. So where the hell have you been all these nights." I shrugged, "I've been around." He nodded, "you look like fucking shit." I raised my eyebrows, "I feel fucking amazing." He smashed the bottle, causing me to stumble back, "are you even thinking about the people that you're hurting?" I scoffed, "who am I hurting?" He threw his arms up, "Judith, RJ, me, yourself." I put my head in my hands, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize how my drinking was hurting you." He looked angrier than I'd ever seen him before, "they deserve better than this, your brother and sister."

When he said this I felt like I'd been crushed, I turned around so he couldn't see the tears form in my eyes. "You think I don't know they deserve better Daryl. WHY DO YOU THINK IM HERE RIGHT NOW. I LEFT DAD AND CARL BECAUSE I KNEW THEY DESERVED BETTER. THATS WHY IM FUCKING HERE RIGHT NOW." I angrily turned to him, "DO YOU THINK I ASKED FOR THIS. THAT BOTTLE WAS THE ONLY THING THAT MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING. Wearing his sweater, it makes me feel like he's still here. As if watching that axe go through his body and then being forced to fucking shoot him in the head was just a bad dream. As if Maggie doing it was just some sick joke. I'm sorry. Okay I'm sorry." I slammed my hand against the wall, "I fucking hate myself so much, I'm sorry." I started to choke on my sobs, "I'm so so sorry." Daryl grabbed onto my arms to stop me from hitting the walls, and I sunk down to the ground cupping my face in my hands. "I know your sorry. Leah you should've told me what was going on. I'm going to help you." I let out another cry, "I don't want help, I just don't want to be here anymore. As in alive, it's a fucking fight, every god damn day." Daryl nodded, "I know, I know. I'm sorry." I buried my head in his shoulder, "I hate myself so much." He held on, "I should've known." I bit my lip, "I don't want to feel like this anymore." He sighed, "you're not going too. I'm not going to let you." I wiped my face, "I'm sorry." He gave me a small smile, "me too."