Leah Grimes

Chapter 140

I woke up again and looked down at my arms studying the wires and tubes that were connected. I briefly remembered being awake yesterday, and then remembered those memories that locked me in. "Something really bad happened." Daryl nodded, "besides the fact that we all thought you were going to die?" I bit my lip, "I remember waking up, yesterday I think it was." He nodded, "you mean when you were screaming, and refusing to let go of me?" I sighed, "all these really bad memories started playing, but they wouldn't stop. I thought I was dead."

Daryl moved over to the edge of my bed, "you sounded pretty scared yesterday." I looked down, "I'm not alright. As much as I've tried to convince myself I am, I'm not. I'm sorry, and I really mean this." He put his arm around my shoulder, "I know. Addiction isn't a joke." I rested my head on his arm, "you didn't sign up for this. Thank you for staying here, for being here every time I woke up." He smiled, "there ain't no world where I wouldn't be there for you. You're the strongest fucking person on this plant, remember that. Because you're going to get through this, without a doubt." I sighed, "I'm just so tired, nothing makes sense right now."He nodded, "I get it." I shook my head, "I don't know how to describe the things I was seeing. It was like every bad thing that had happened was just circling my brain, and I couldn't get out. I was screaming for help, but no one could hear me." Daryl sighed, he didn't say anything but he held me a little tighter. I bit my lip, "I rewatched everyone die, even from the beginning. My mom, Dale, Sophia. It wouldn't stop." He nodded, "the days ahead aren't going to be easy. It's going to get worse before it gets better." I looked at him, "how do you know this?" He shrugged, "this ain't the first time I've seen someone struggle with this." I sighed, "did they get better?" He shook his head, "no, but they're not you. They didn't fight for what they wanted." I looked around, "when do I get to leave?" He gave me a smile smile, "a few days, week at most. You almost died, they're not just going to send you back out with the hope you don't drink again. Leah you have to prove you want to get better." I nodded, "I do, I don't want this to ever happen again. I don't want to feel this pathetic and weak, I don't want anyone else to think that about me either." He scoffed, "believe me, no one thinks that."

I curled my knees to my chest, staring ahead at the wall. "Why don't you try and rest." I shook my head, "I'm not tired." He sighed, "that's not true." I bit my lip, "if you saw what I saw when I closed my eyes you wouldn't sleep either." Daryl nodded, "I'll be right here when you wake up." I shook my head, "you just don't understand what it was like Daryl." He stood up, "that's because all that shit was messing with your brain." I sighed, "you loved Leah right? Even though she did everything she did." He met my eyes, "that doesn't matter anymore." I nodded, "yes it does." He shook his head, "I don't know. I think so." I looked down, "I know Carver wasn't a good person. But neither are we." He gave me a small smile, "no one who's still alive is good. But some are worse than others. Carver was good in his own ways, and you loved him for those things, and that's fine." I bit my lip, "if I never let them find me that day, I think things would have turned out differently. I wouldn't have cared and I wouldn't feel so fucking awful right now." He squeezed my shoulder, "I get it. He knew he was going to die Leah and he accepted it, he told you he loved you, and that's about as much closure as you can get from him." I nodded, "I keep imagining what it would be like if he was here. We could've gotten our own place eventually, like a normal couple, worked together, built a better home for everyone." Daryl smiled, "nothing wrong with thinking about that stuff." I sighed, "what are you going to tell Judith and RJ?" He shrugged, "I said you were sick, with the doctors getting better. They just want you to feel better." I nodded, "tell them I'll be home soon, and that I love them so so much. Enough for Dad, Carl and their mom." He smiled, "of course." I took a deep breath, "how many times have I said I'm sorry?" He shrugged, "only a couple hundred." I nodded, "well I am. I'm sorry I did this to you. I'm sorry I let what happened do this to me." He smiled, "everything was bound to catch up on you eventually, you even said it yourself." I bit my lip, "when did I say that?" He stood up, "you asked me when was it your turn? To be angry, to run away like me and Maggie did." I nodded, "I didn't run away." He shrugged, "you might as well have. I spent weeks trying to figure out what was going on. At first I thought you really were that upset about Carver, and what Maggie did to him. But this time it was different, it wasn't like your dad, or Carl, or Benjamin. Everything was off, and you hid it from everyone else, and I must admit you did a pretty good job, but I noticed. I didn't notice the drinking, or depression, it seems obvious now, I just thought you were pissed at me or some shit." I sighed, "at least I stayed Daryl. I remembered Judith and RJ who I know need me. You and Maggie didn't do that for me. It doesn't matter now, I fucked up, and I'm sorry. But you're right, it was bound to be my turn to breakdown eventually." He nodded, "I'm sorry too, we're going to get through this."