An Unforeseen Love

The start of the work day

As I am sitting here in my car waiting for my shift to start, I am mentally preparing myself for all the questions that I get. When I go into work he is going to be there and as much as I want to trust him and run to him to feel safe I can't bring myself to do that. What if he hurts me to? What if he says all the right things when I need him to and it's just a false attempt to get me to be with him? He has never said that he cares about and has feelings for me. But a girl can pretend right. A girl can hope and dream. 

My job is not anything fancy and it is defiantly not what I show myself doing as a career. But I promise you this is my dream right now. For 8 hours a day I don't have to look over my shoulder (even though I still do). For the next 8 hours I am just me. Nothing special, nothing but just another employee working as a Cashier for Wal-Mart. When I go home I live my own personal hell. John is there and he is probably waiting for me to just look at him wrong so he can use that as an excuse. 

I look at the clock it's 7:36 A.M. 

"Damn it, why can't it be closer to 9 already?"  

Knowing that I can't clock in until at least 8:50 I decide that I am going to have a cigarette. Yes, I smoke. Yes,  I know that I shouldn't but either this cigarette is going to kill me or John is. At this point I am just hoping which ever one it is...it happens fast so I don't have to endure this misery much longer. Before stepping out of my car I look in the mirror one more time. 

"Okay, all the bruises are covered. You can't see them. No one is going to even know so why are you thinking that they will? No one ever does and this happens daily. You will be fine. It is 8 hours of a fantasy life made reality. Focus on your job and not what is waiting for you at "home"."

I tell myself this every day before I go into work. And honestly I am glade that no one notices that bruises and hand prints. I honestly don't know what I would tell people if they asked me what happened. "Oh, I ran into a wall." As I am standing there smoking my cigarette I start laughing to myself. "yeah, because that line hasn't been used a million times already." Things will get better eventually right. I mean they have to unless I have done something so terribly horrible either in a past life or this one that I deserve this. As I am standing there I don't realize that he walked up to my car. 

"Earth to Becca!" Kyle said as he was laughing at me. 

"Holy shit dude! You scared the hell out of me! How long have you been standing here?"

"Oh not long, just long enough to tell you about the new game I bought and ask you why you look lost in thought. That is when I realized that you weren't even listening to me."

"Oh, sorry. Don't take it personally please. I really didn't mean anything by it. I wasn't trying to ignore you. I just have a lot on my mind today. I really am sorry." I can't  even look him in the eyes when I say this. He will hit me if I do. At least that is what I think. However, he has always been so nice towards me that I don't think that he would do something like that. Yeah, that is what I thought about John to and look where you are now idiot. 

"Honestly it is okay. You really don't have to say sorry because you have a lot on your mind. Do you maybe want to talk about it? I have been told that I am a really good listener. Maybe I can help put your mind at ease." 

Kyle looked so sweet and caring when he said this to me. I know that he meant every word that he said just now. But why can't I bring myself to tell him. I want to tell him everything but how am I supposed to do that. And honestly what good would that even do. It's not like he can make things different. He can't magically make John be different and not this way.  

"No, thank you though. I really don't want to talk about it. This is something that I have to figure out for myself. I do appreciate the offer. So, let's change the subject please."

"Well, why are you here so early Becca? Doesn't your shift start at 9. It's only 8." He had this confused look on his face. "No one likes there job so much that they want to be over an hour early to their shift."

"Well, it's better than being at a so called home." I knew that I spoke yet again without thinking. 

Damn it haven't you learned anything yet. Why the hell would you speak without thinking? Damn you really are one dumb idiot aren't you? Why I did that I have no idea. Now, here is Kyle standing in front of me with this confused look on his face and I know what he is going to say next. "What do you mean by so called home."

"What do you mean by that?" Kyle had this very confused and concern look on his face. I told you that is what he was going to say. 

"Oh, you know, just having issues with the boyfriend. He is just a pain in the ass and makes it to where I don't want to be there."  

Kyle knew i had a boyfriend but it was still something that I hated. It's not that I was going to sit here and go on a date with Kyle. And it has nothing to do with him honestly. I just hate calling John my boyfriend. I know your thinking well why don't you just leave the guy if your that unhappy. Well it is simple, I either stay and hope he kills me eventually or I try to leave and he kills me. Well isn't that something you stay your probably going to be killed. You leave him and he has made it clear that he will kill you. 

"Well, my shift is starting. I'll see you in there." Kyle smiled at me as he was walking away. 

As I was standing there all I could do is finally breath and lean against my car. I can't believe that I was so stupid that I said "so called home" to Kyle. What would John do if he heard me talking like that? Probably tell me that its his home and if I don't like it tough shit. I was just someone that was here to do what he said when he said it. But yet when we are around HIS friends it's a different story. John has them all so fooled and blinded that when something finally happens to me they are going to be telling him how sorry they are for his loss. However, he wont feel any sadness or loss of me. Well, maybe. He might feel the loss of the fact that he will no longer have his very own personal punching bag. 

I look down at my pone and see that my mom had texted me asking how everything was going. HA HA like i am actually going to tell her what John does. It's not like anyone would believe me anyway. Why? Well that is simple. John is friends with my older brother and they hang out all the time. I look at the clock again...it's now 8:30. Well 30 more minutes and I can go clock in. I decide that I am going to have one more cigarette before making my way inside. I hear my phone go off again so I look down at it. A text from John. Yeah I am not doing this right now. He thinks that I got called in early so I will use that as my excuse for why I didn't answer him. Unless...fucking serious right now. I look over a few spots down from me and I see him. It is Ryan, John's friend and there is John sitting in the passenger seat. So, now he is following me to work and where I am going. You have got to be kidding me. 

Just as I am about to get out of my car I hear my phone go off again. Yep, I know who that is without evening look. Then John starts yelling at me to come talk to him right fucking now. Yeah I am not doing that I think to myself. Go fuck yourself John. I want to yell that at him but I know that if I do he may not wait till we get to the house to use me for his punching bag. So, instead i keep my mouth closed, I look down at the ground, and send him a quick text. I mean I don't want to lose this job. I have bills to pay and him making a scene here at my job would defiantly not go good for me. 

"Sorry, I just looked at my phone. Just stepped outside to have a smoke on my break. Can we just talk when I get home. I am sorry that I didn't text you right away. I just have a lot on my mind." 

As I hit send I feel the stinging come back. Then again maybe it never really went away and I just got used to the pain but knowing what is coming my way. Maybe my body is just preparing me for it. As I walk through the doors I see him standing there. There stands Kyle and just looking at him makes me want to cry. He makes me feel safe when we talk at work and right now I am so terrified that my hands start to shake.