If You Ever Come Back ~Peterick Fanfic~

2 - One Week After

Trigger Warning for this chapter

Dear Patrick,

Everyone tells me to go on with my life. To do the things I used to do, but can I be the same when you're gone and everything's different? I can't.

I finally found a way to ease the pain for a few minutes. It is wrong, I know. But tearing my skin open finally gives me another pain instead of that burning hole that you left when you told me you didn't want me anymore. I can feel physical pain instead of emotional pain now.

I wear long sleeves now, everyday. It makes it easier if people don't know about what I do. They would be disgusted. But when I see the blood run down my arm, I just feel calm. They would have images of me, lying on the bathroom floor with tears streaming down my cheeks and sobbing hysterically.

That's not the truth. I just stand there. Completely silent. My hands are shaking and my heart beats like crazy. I bring the scissors to my wrist. They touch my skin and I finally let my breath go that I've been holding for too long. It hurts. It burns. Just like your love. Tears start to appear in my eyes again, thinking of you. If I would just cut the other side, everything would be over.

But then my thoughts start to become clear again. What do I do now? How will I hide the cuts? How do I clean the blood? What if someone sees it. Now it's not comforting anymore. Now the other pain is back again. Now I have even more pain.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel guilty.

Today a little boy came up to me and asked me if I was an angel. I was confused and told him I was not.

"Of course you are", he said. "Only angels harm themselves because they don't like life on earth. This world is destroying them so they try to return to heaven again. They are too sensitive to the pain of others and their own".

Maybe that's true. Maybe I'm just an angel, trying to go home. Maybe it's all better there. Maybe everyone is better off without me. Would you miss me? Would you even notice if I would disappear? Where are you...

I just discovered a song that actually describes my situation the best. I always like songs that can fit me. It kinda helps me.

Mayday Mayday. This ship is slowly sinking. They think think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling. They're all around me, circling like vultures. They wanna break me and wash away my colors. Take me high and I'll sing. Oh you make everything okay. We are one and the same. Oh you take all of the pain away. Save me if I become my demons...

Save me, Patrick. Please save me. I don't know if I can take this much longer. Save me before I become my demons. They are taking over. Please, take my pain away. I can't drown them, they know how to swim.

God, it hurts so much. It feels like I'm already dead. I always feel guilty when my mom comes into my room and she sees me sitting there. The eyeliner is smudged all over my face. Maybe I should stop wearing it. I don't want to, though. It feels like the only thing that represents my identity.

I haven't talked to any of our old friends yet. Brendon, Joe, Andy, Gerard, Frank and Mikey are starting to get really worried. Am I a bad friend now? I just can't be with them without you. I can't stop thinking about the good times we had. It just can't be the same without you.

Remember that night when Brendon was drunk and started yelling at Ryan that he loved him? And we were just laughing so hard that it would sting. Can those times ever come back?

I remember the very last time you kissed me. It was after you said goodbye. You said my lips felt cracked but now I know you meant my heart.

I tried to keep denying that I was in love with you at first. I didn't want to fall in love, not at all. But at some point you smiled and holy shit, it felt like everything in my word became a little brighter.

When they asked me what I liked about you, I would just smile and look at the ground because I didn't want them to fall in love with you too.

I need to stop writing. I can't see through the tears and the pain is becoming too much. I'm going to do it again. You can't stop me. It's the only thing that helps.

Goodbye, my one and only love. I won't end it yet, don't worry. There are going to be other letters. But this one is now done.

Pete

Okay guys, I know this chapter was really rough but I just thought that something like this should be in this story. And don't worry, I don't write this because I feel the same or something. It's just that the words poured out of me. Well, I hope you liked it.

~Panda