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Chapter 11: Funhouse flatulence.

Hajime woke up with painful eyes, and Usami sitting on his bed. He wiped the drool off of his chin, sat up, and asked: ''Usami? What're you doing in my room?''

Usami jumped up and down on the bed. ''You're late for breakfast, Hajime! It's already eight A.M.!''

Hajime rubbed his eyes. Eight A.M.? It felt like he'd been woken at five A.M. It was no surprise, he realised, because Kazuichi, Fuyuhiko, Gundham and him were up until two A.M. playing Monokupoly. The most disturbing thing was that they hadn't even realised it was that early in the morning until they passed by the clocks in the lounge: this lack of windows was having a negative effect on their sleep schedule. ''Usami,'' Hajime murmured, ''Could you warn us next time it's ten P.M.? It's getting kinda hard to tell the time in here.''

Usami started sweating. ''A- all right. I understand. Sorry. I was scared to interrupt your game...''

''And could you get off my bed now? And out of my room? I wanna get dressed.''

''Yes, yes, okay!'' And, with a wave of her hand, the stuffed bunny disappeared. Hajime still felt himself wondering how she managed to do that.

After Hajime had dressed himself sufficiently, he went downstairs, to the common dining area, where everyone was talking amongst themselves. He was unable to spot Chiaki, so he grumpily sat with Kazuichi instead. The mechanic seemed to be growing on him. Currently, Kazuichi was sitting with Teruteru... not a good combination. Gundham had somehow joined their party as well... for some reason.

Teruteru sneered at the food. ''This isn't good at all! It's average drek you could find on the side of the road! Why won't Usami just let me cook already?!''

''Because the last time you cooked something, it was LSD!'' Kazuichi complained, ''And it made me hallucinate about a giant, horrifying human that was eating all of you! The worst thing was: it was naked, and it didn't even have any private parts!''

Teruteru shrugged. ''Hasn't that bunny ever heard of 'water under the bridge'? And, please give me a break! It was my first time cooking acid!''

''And it better be your last!'' Hajime exclaimed.

''Yes, I was hoping your fairy dust would enhance my senses and bring me closer to my Dark Devas,'' Gundham spoke with crossed arms, ''But instead, I was turned into a common hamster by your devilish spell. I was right to call you The Cook of the Underworld.''

''N- now that I have your attention, Gundham,'' Teruteru stuttered, a little sweaty, suddenly, ''I spotted Sonia and Peko going to Peko's room together, yesterday...''

''If you're going to tell me something, tell me something useful.''

Teruteru's face suddenly became bright red and a small drop of blood dripped out of his nose. Hajime bit his tongue: this could not be a good sign. Especially since Teruteru's blood was pink, was that a medical problem? He'd probably have to inform Mikan about that. ''I was thinking...'' Teruteru trembled, ''They might be getting up to... something.'' The cook winked.

Gundham peered at him for a moment, arms still crossed, seemingly lost in thought. ''Are you suggesting... The Dark Queen and the Mighty Swordswoman of the East were taking part in a breeding ritual?''

'' 'Taking part in a breeding ritual'?'' Teruteru quoted, ''Yeah. Glazing the doughnuts, steaming the fish, probing the turkey...''

''Popping the diddly doo,'' Kazuichi filled in, ''Breaking the bed, steaming the sheets...''

''Stop,'' Hajime urged.

Gundham hmpf'd. ''Don't let your foul thoughts take over, Cook of the Underworld, Golden Mechanic, the Dark Queen would never do something as such. I believe her and the Mighty Swordswoman of the East were up to something to build their platonic relationship. Sometimes, reality really is that simple. I sneer in the wake of all of you. Since homosexuality has rightfully become the norm, you fools won't even allow platonic relationships between women anymore. Pathetic.'' He put a rice ball in his mouth to show that he was finished talking.