Horse Face

One

 Right, so I have a plan. I am so serious about my plan that I think- no- I'm sure that I have finally found my way out of this mess. It's not just a plan, it's a master plan. An absolute brainwave of the magnificent kind. Out of all the get-rich-quick schemes that I have ever had, this appears to be the most achievable by some distance. Now I come to mention it, I have been walking around quite smugly for a couple of days marvelling at my incredible ingenuity. I haven't actually told anyone about it yet though, I've been doing some research before committing, because, it would be safe to say that I have had a few financial ideas in the past and these, on occasion, might, and it's a small might, have fallen short due to a lack of proper research. This time I'm determined to really put in the groundwork.

In hindsight, I haven't always been very realistic with some of my ideas for example the time I decided to scour charity shops for expensive art that I could resell, probably for millions. I was so certain I could do it that I had even allowed myself to imagine what they would say about me when I became internet clickbait.

Two-pound tat turns out to be two million treasures' or

Barnardo's bargain bags billions.

I had dreamt of people innocently logging into Sky News for their daily update on Brexit and then being greeted by one of those annoying pop-ups in the bottom right of their screens – a picture of me holding a bottle of champagne and a massive cheque. I was so hypothetically proud of the massive increase in charity shop sales that would surely follow, when my story broke, that I had practically Amazon Primed myself a trophy for dedication to philanthropy. I think I can be forgiven for getting a bit carried away because who wouldn't want to forever be known as the girl who raised billions for charity just from buying a picture?

In principle, the buying and selling of art seemed like a great idea and anyone reading this might even be considering it themselves now. However, surprisingly you do have to know quite a bit about art before spending one's entire weekend trudging around town in the rain looking for it. It seems that taking a fiver from the pot of money in the kitchen (by pot I mean a Chinese tub, with a lid that no longer fits because it wasn't dishwasher proof after all) and googling the location of the nearest Age UK shop probably couldn't be classed as thorough research. I was extremely disappointed when I couldn't find anything that looked particularly valuable. I admit I might have been the tiniest bit unrealistic in my expectations, only because, when I asked the shop assistant if she had any old-looking paintings of yellow sunflowers or similar for sale, she was smirking. Maybe she was simply happy. No. She was definitely smirking.

Bloody lucky Linda from Merseyside managed it though, she bought a painting for two pounds from Barnardo's and sold it for two million. She didn't even like the picture much. She told Facebook she only bought it because she had a damp problem in the spare bedroom and wanted to cover the black spots. Her Uncle, who coincidentally was an art appraiser and collector, noticed it when he came to stay in that very same room a few weeks later. (Who puts their aged Uncle in a damp room? Doesn't she know how bad mould spores are for the lungs?) Apparently, he knew straight away that it was an original James someone or other. I mean what are the chances of accidentally buying a valuable painting and having an art appraiser and collector in the family notice its value.

Sadly, the whole art thing just didn't work out for me and after giving up my entire weekend all I managed to get was a terrible cold. There is a total lack of artists and paintings in my local area clearly. I did find a book that looked super old, about really old cars, and it was only three pounds, so I bought that instead because, you know, paintings, books, an antique is an antique right? Wrong!

The book didn't even sell. I lowered the price to ninety-nine pence and still nobody wanted it. After I flicked through it, I went to the trouble of writing a detailed review of the content, and I just cannot imagine why I wasn't inundated with offers. I mean I learned loads about ... well about ... car engines and stuff. It was remarkably interesting.