weakness • negan x reader

Chapter Nine

"Crap, Nova, what is going on with you? I'm trying to help you, I didn't do anything to you. You're getting all the privileges possible here and all you do is talk shit about us."

He was right again. "Sorry. It's just... I'm sorry. This is new for me and first the thing with Tony and now Danielle-" "I get it.", Negan interrupted me. "But what now? It can't keep going like this."

I nodded. "I don't know, anything. As long as I don't have to deal with people I care about dying." "I have just the thing for you. We're going to the Hilltop today. You can come with us."

It didn't sound like the kind of stuff I'd want to do right now, but I already felt crappy about being so rude, so I could hardly decline Negan's offer. He told me that we'd meet downstairs in half an hour, then I left the room.

Lost in thoughts, I walked down the corridor. "Hey! Nova!", I heard a voice say behind me. It was Justin. "I want to see my daughter. Where is she?" "She's with Frankie, I'll take you to her."

I led him to the room they were in. Frankie was pretty good with babies, Gracie was still sleeping and looked happy. I waved at Tina as I left the room again and went to my own.

If I wanted to stay here I had to change. I didn't fit in, that was obvious. But no one did. They were just all pretending to be like that, to be fearless. And if they could do that, I could, too.

"Come on.", I said as I looked at myself in the mirror. The thought of leaving with Tina had crossed my mind a few times but the fear of utter loneliness, that was only disturbed by the dead, was stronger.

I put on the belt with the weapons and headed down to the yard with the trucks. Many Saviors were already there talking and waiting. I spotted Simon, Dwight and the only other woman there except me. Her hair was covered with a cloth. I didn't know her name but she looked kind of mean. I decided to stay out of her way.

I heard steps from the stairs and everyone went quiet. Negan opened the door, the same grin as always on his face. Everyone around me got down on their knees and I quickly did the same.

"You know the rules.", Negan said and looked around. "Take whatever the hell you want. And more." The crowd started cheering. We made some final preparations, then we started driving.

"I don't even think we'll need those.", Negan said while driving and pointed at my gun. "The leader of the Hilltop, Gregory, he's very cooperative. We left a pretty strong first impression, if you know what I'm saying." I knew what he was saying, and I liked the thought of not having to threaten someone with weapons.

The ride was very loud, everybody seemed to be in a good mood. I noticed how Negan examined me and quickly looked away, but it could still feel his eyes on my back. "We're almost there.", the Savior that drove the truck declared.

"Oh they're gonna be so damn happy to see us.", Negan grinned and got up with a swing. Everybody made room for him as he opened the door. A few seconds after Negan left the truck everyone else also got out. I followed Dwight, who seemed to have done this a few more times than me.

"Gregory!", Negan said and spread his arms. "What's up, man?" Gregory was an older man who wore fine clothes. I didn't like him at first sight, he seemed so full of himself. "Negan... Why don't we go inside and have a drink?"

"That is a fabulous idea.", Negan said and signaled us to swarm out. "Why though?" Gregory seemed to be irritated by that question. "Well, we can talk about all this, the situation, the trades-"

"There's nothing to talk about, Greg. Nothing, nada. You give us your shit and we don't kill you, that's it." That silenced Gregory completely. "But I'll still have that drink, thanks for asking." Negan took off with his arm wrapped around Gregory, who was now seemingly uncomfortable.

I couldn't help but let out a laugh. God, I was totally turning darkside. "We already have everything we need back at the Sanctuary.", I said to Dwight as everyone made room for us when we walked past them. I couldn't deny I kind of enjoyed the respect we were treated with here. "Most of it, yeah.", Dwight admitted. "But they- We... still take it, and you know why? Because we can."

I couldn't get myself to take anything, besides I didn't really need something either, so I just walked around. The community was big and peaceful.

Everyone was staring at us, I just pretended like I didn't see it. A man with long hair and a cap was looking at me weirdly. "Hey."

"Hi.", I said. "And why aren't you taking anything?", he asked. I hesitated. "I'm happy with what I have back home." "Uh-huh." "And why aren't you scared?", I asked. Counter question. Good one, Nova. Not really.

"I have nothing to be afraid of. If we let you do what you want to do, you won't do anything to us, it's as simple as that.", he said and then added, "And you're new to the Saviors?"

"Yeah.", I said perplexedly. "How did you know?" "You're nicer than the rest.", the man said. "Normally your people are dickheads." I laughed, "Yeah... Yup, they are." "I'm Jesus, by the way.", he said and held out his hand to me.

"Nova." I shook his hand. "That's not my real name, obviously, but it suits me better, trust me." "Can't imagine why.", I smiled. "So you don't know what they did, right?"

My smile froze. "What do you mean?" Jesus laughed. "Well, you don't think your people just came here, took what they wanted and we let them, right? They had to prove their point first, that they were serious."

I remembered what Negan said in the truck about a 'strong first impression'. I thought they threatened them the same way they threatened us, but by the look on Jesus' face I knew it was something far worse than that.

"They shot a teenage boy, right in front of us." I couldn't look at him. I was shocked, ashamed, but the worst part was that I wasn't surprised. I felt like a part of me already knew.

"Jesus, I'm so sorry, I didn't-", I began. "Hey, I know you weren't a part of this.", he said quickly. "I'm not accusing you, I just thought that you deserved to know." I nodded and tried to gather myself. "Thanks for telling me.", I said quietly and walked back to the others.

"Hey, Nova!", Jesus called out and ran after me. "You're not a bad person. And I understand that you're with them. It's for your best. And if you plan on staying with them, maybe you can prevent them from killing more people." I nodded and got in the truck.

Nobody was in yet, so I huddled in a seat. Silent tears started running down my cheek. The Saviors murdered somebody, even though they didn't do anything. The constant back and forth of my conscience about this place tired me. I kept justifying their actions because I wanted to stay here.

Someone knocked on the door. "Hey." The woman whose name I didn't know came in. "You're Nova, right? I'm Arat." I cracked a quick smile as she sat down next to me.

"What's wrong?", she asked with a worried look on her face. "What's wrong?", I repeated with a laugh. "Everything. It's just too much for me." Arat nodded. "I get that. I really do." I shook my head in despair. "How do I be like you? How do I do all this?"

It took her some time to answer. "I just don't think about it. Kind of ignore my feelings. I try to see it like this: we're all losers, we've suffered as the world went to shit and the dead attacked us. If a god exists, he doesn't love or care for us. So we at least deserve to make the best out of this situation and live a liveable life in safety."

I let her words reverberate in my head but didn't have much more time to think about it, because the other Saviors came in too. Arat quickly got up so it didn't look like we talked.

"I just had the best bourbon of my entire fucking life.", I heard Negan say to Simon as he entered the truck last. "Okay, let's get out of this shithole.", he ordered the driver and we took off.