weakness • negan x reader

Chapter Six

My throat tightened. Did he find out about Tina? "It's about your brother." Negan was strangely quiet, didn't laugh or joke at all. I shook my head as I realized. "He's gone?"

Negan looked at the floor and nodded. "Do you want to know what happened?" I got dizzy and everything started spinning. I swallowed. What could possibly have happened? Did biters attack him? Did he fall from a high place? Or was it a Savior?

"It was suicide.", Negan said, looking straight into my eyes. "No. No way, he wouldn't...", I sank on the ground and that weird feeling came up in my nose, the one that always came when I was about to cry. "A worker found him at the toilet."

A loud noise rang in my head. He wouldn't do that.

"Nova. Hey, Nova!", Negan said loudly. He snapped his fingers in front of my face. "Look at me. Hey. Breathe. In, out. Again... Yeah, that's it.", he said as my breath slowly calmed.

"Keep breathing like that. Slowly. Inhale through the nose, exhale through the mouth.", Negan sat down next to me and reached into his pocket and threw something on my lap. "Here." It was chewing gum.

It was a good distraction, it helped me calm down. Negan was silent for the next few minutes. He seemed to be looking for the right words as I tried to catch my breath again.

"You know, I also lost someone to suicide. Someone who was very important to me. And just like your brother she decided to kill herself because she was already as good as dead."

I looked at him. "What do you mean, already dead?" He sighed. "Carson found a bite on him. He got bit before he came here."

Tears started rolling down my face, I was crying, strangely enough I haven't been able to until now. I remembered hearing him cough yesterday. And also screwing up the shot at Simon- he usually never missed. I should have noticed earlier that something was wrong.

"It's not your fault.", Negan said as if he was reading my mind. "You couldn't have changed it. There's no cure." I sniffed and nodded. "Yeah. It's just... He didn't even say goodbye." "I know. But it wouldn't have been any easier if he'd told you about it, would it? He probably just didn't know how."

I wiped some tears off my face. He was right. "What now?", I asked. "What now?", Negan repeated. "I don't know, you tell me. Hell, I won't force you to do anything right now. I know how it feels."

"Did Laura tell you about the stuff at the infirmary?", I asked. "Yeah.", Negan said, surprised about the sudden change of subject. "When you're feeling better, when you're ready I can offer you a place as a savior."

"I am ready. I want to get to work.", I said and straightened myself up. "No way in hell." Negan laughed. "You're under shock. You need a funeral, and you need to tell your sister."

"You said you wouldn't force me to do anything. So you can't force me to do nothing. What I need is distraction." Negan blew air out through his nose and looked at me down from above. "Fine. Your decision. Just find Dwight or Laura, they'll know what to do."

"Thank you." I just noticed how he was looking at me and quickly turned my head. "Where is he?" I decided I wanted to see him one last time, before moving on. After losing Cassie all of sudden I had accepted that I or someone around me could die every second.

"Still with Carson.", Negan said as he stood up. He grabbed his bat and before he left the room he said, "You know where to find me."

I cracked a smile and he went out. As soon as he left the room I slumped down and started sobbing again. So much about moving on. I didn't want to cry like a baby in front of him and let it all out now. It must've been about thirty minutes until I finally got myself to stand up and stagger to the infirmary.

When I arrived, Laura was already there. "Shit, Nova, I'm so sorry.", she said and gave me a short hug. "My condolences." Dr Carson patted me on the shoulder. "Thanks.", I mumbled and paved my way between them to a bed with a white sheet on it.

"Nova, wait.", Laura said distinctively and grabbed my wrist. "Do you really want to see that?" I nodded. "Yeah. I want to see him." I held my breath and pulled down the blanket.

The dizziness started again. His pale skin, the wide open, empty eyes. A silent tear ran down my cheeks. I moved the blanket further down and spotted the bite on his stomach.

My trembling hands turned his arm around and revealed four deep cuts in his pulse veins. I ran to the sink and vomited in it profusely. Laura quickly covered Tony's corpse again. "This is so messed up.", she sighed. I brushed some wet hair from my face and took the glass of water Dr Carson handed me.

"Thank you. I think I'm gonna leave now.", I said before I took a sip of the cold water. No one in this place knows how to cope with or react to emotions, I thought as I walked through the corridors.

"Nova? What are you doing here?" Kourtney was standing behind me, with a bucket in her hand. I held back tears. "Kourt, it's about Tony."