Déja Vu

Twenty

It's three am in the morning when I finally yell 'screw it' and roll out of the bed after countless trials to fall asleep. Olivia still hasn't returned back so I grab her jacket off the chair and head down to find her. The weather is extra chilly today, and I'm sure she isn't warmed up, she just vanished out of the room. I tip-toe down the stairs, careful not to make any noise to avoid waking anyone up. I scan the house for her until my eyes find her small figure sitting at the door steps of the back porch, door wide open. I clear my thought to inform her of my presence as I approach her. My sudden noise doesn't even make her flinch, or even me taking a seat beside her after i dropped the jacket over her shoulders. She's just sitting there staring into the space, hand mindlessly rubbing Mozzarella's head. I respect her silence for a while, looking up for the sky in search for some stars, but I could only spot five.

Just like how the glow in the dark ones in our room went from twenty-five to just eight.

"Do you remember the nicknames we had for each other when we were young?" I break the silence, not sure if I'll get a response back. She doesn't say anything for a couple of seconds before letting out a breath "Liv and Lish?"

"Those yeah." I sigh. I've always hated the name 'Lish' it doesn't even sound good, doesn't have a meaning. But Olivia and I have always wanted to have names that would rhyme with each other, we pretty much acted like twins. I stretch my arms over my knees "And do you remember when we used to insist on dressing the same?"

"Dad didn't like it though." Her voice can be barely heard, but I manage to make it up "He didn't like the idea of buying two of everything."

"We were about five and four maybe?" I try to remember "It's when we started nagging at dad to buy us those glow in the dark stars."

"You've pretty much been interested in nature since a very young age." She says, finally raising her head from where it was resting on her crossed arms over her knees "Despite how much we tried acting like twins, we couldn't get past the point of being the exact opposite."

"I guess that's what made us really close." I sigh, resting my back against the wall behind me "It's like we completed pieces of each other." I haven't noticed how much recalling childhood memories hurt except for now. When I look back at young Ashley, she was so different from me. She was so energetic, so hopeful, so cheerful. It feels like I'm a cottage where a little child used to live years ago, now she's gone with only small tints of her left. And the more I grow up, the more girls come and go, leaving some of their traces behind. It's like I mutate the more I breathe. It's killing me how Liv and Lish aren't the Olivia and Ashley sitting here at the moment, they were just the purest versions of us that has only kept on being scarred.

I glance back at her still staring in space "You know," I say "All four of us are so different from each other, I think the only common thing we have is our parents and love for each other."

She clicks her tongue "You talk as if you weren't sitting there." I shake my head, leaning forward to hug my knees and copy her pose "I was there, and that's why I'm telling you she didn't mean it. She's just upset. Though what she did was harsh but just know that what has happened was almost like the biggest shock of her life." She doesn't reply for a while, spinning my words over in her head. I know she understands, all of us do. It's at those times when we all get each other no matter how hard any of us is hurting. She sighs "Still."

"Olivia Jenna June would never admit to be wrong, am I right?"

"No, Ashley, you don't get it." She finally speaks up with a clear voice "Maya was right, probably very right. I don't even remember the last time I've told him that I loved him."

"You don't have to." I tell her "Actions speak louder than words, Olives, and yours have always been screaming those three words. Your love for each other wasn't that type to be discussed with words, it's a story to be seen. You guys were way past telling each other 'I love you' because it has already been a part of your hearts." My words make her tears start dripping but I don't stop her, she needs to cry her pain out "Then why did he do it?" She sniffs, voice cracking as she tries to talk "Why did he pick her over me?" I can't find answers to her questions, but she knows from the look in my eyes that I still stand by my opinion of maybe there is a part of the story that we don't know about. I see her head drop as her tears keep on streaming "Ashley, never in my life have I ever wanted to be more wrong. I wish I'm mistaken. I wish I misunderstood him. I wish that I could question my own eyes. I would question my sight but I would've never questioned his loyalty." She finally turns to me, seeing how her pale face is all covered in tears makes mine want to pour out but I hold it back, listening to whatever she has to say "I've let him in after locking everyone else out." She continues in between her sobs "I've trusted him like I've never trusted anyone before. I allowed him to become a part of my life, a part of me." She stops for a second, letting all her pain break out of her heart. I take her hands in mine as I feel tears running down my face. She inhales a strong breath "Sam wasn't just my boyfriend, Ash, he was my entire heart. How could..."