entry no. 6:
always tired, eh?
hiii, so two weeks na ako rito. so far, everything's bad. jwshsha charot. ewan. parang may isang specific part lang sa akin ang pinapasaya after apakan ang aking mental health xD. and i think nothing that's happening is real. ewan ah. everything feels surreal kasi to the point na hindi ko na naiintindihan kung ano na ba yung nangyayari. like i am living in a movie, or inside a book, tapos i was just watching myself, reading my thoughts, yet still, nothing seemed to make sense. or at least my brain cannot process everything that is happening... or simply i don't want to.
right now, simply giving up is not the solution i am thinking. i want to die, actually jshdjs. kanina nga habang nagsasampay ako, i thought about my family in my previous household. did they changed now that my sis and i are gone? did they realized something like detoxifying our household? kasi i think they didn't. i kept on thinking kasi of going back. mahirap eh. sobrang hirap na out of the blue, sa isang stable flow of river, biglang may papasok na isang panibagong daloy ng tubig—the smooth flow will be disturbed. ako yung new flow ng water na yun. im trying to fit in, trying to pretend that everything that i am doing's just normal because the current that i've been flowing with is moving normally. nothing's wrong, as everyone thought. pero paano naman ako? or do i even have the right to think about myself? paano naman ako? why does this question appear so selfish? palala nang palala ang nangyayari sa young adulthood ko. i just want to give up like totally give up coz nothing even matters na eh.
wiws. hi. i just came back from preparing the plates and stuff, sampay, and rant w my sis. im rlly going back to my old household. dalawa na yung valid reason na naiisip ko kapag tinanong nila ako why am i going back: (1) homesickness and (2) di ako sanay na hiwalay kay lil sis ueueueue jahsja. mej nakahinga ako after ranting w her kanina kasi she totally got me. we rlly don't belong to anywhere. sobrang hirap beh xD. but pls do note na may something wrong din sa akin kaya hindi ako click dito. no one's at fault, at least that's what i wanted to think of. i mean we just don't click. whatever i do, whether i decide for something or decide to not to, it's wrong for her. it's draining yenno. expecting me to be quick at adapting EVERYTHING at once. hindi po ako super human fleece. :(
hmm, good side before i end this entry: yung nabanggit ko before na nakausap ko from litmatch? nasa dc na kami ngayon and pogi boses beh ahshaha. mukhang di 'to takot sa commitment but let's see kung saan mapupunta 'to hwahshha. nice naman siya kausap, nakakabardagulan ko and nakakausap din ng matino esp sa mental health so yes. and di ko rin siya kakausapin if di pasok sa standard ko. since im actually giving time to him, pasok siya bahsha.
uhm, yun lang. hindi na ako masyado mag-eeffort since most of the things naman na ginagawa ko ay mali. kanina pala ako'y nahilo. like parang lumilindol pero naglast ng 5 to 10 minutes. grabe akala ko hihimatayin me haha. symptom kaya to ng isang deadly disease? uwu.
yours,
mikha
