entry no. 18:
ill mind
i've been having these ill thoughts ever since my school year ended. i can't stop thinking about things. i have no one to talk to rn because i isolated myself again-i accepted that i'm rlly the problem. so yea, i distanced myself. i'm a wicker person, you see. i talk to people just so i can distract myself from having these thoughts-to at least lessen my time for thinking. tbh it's not my intention to do so but i just realized that all along, that has been my coping mechanism. it's wrong because i am involving innocent people in my ill life. i should stop this and suffer alone because that is what i deserve. i should solve this on my own and stop using them as an excuse to pretend that i am doing fine.
also, i've been feeling envious to people, to everyone and i feel rlly sick because i feel this even to those that i am genuinely close with. pakshet talaga, i need to stop this. i badly wanted to but i can't find a way to do so. idk where to start and how to change these illnesses inside my mind.
one good thing on my phase rn is that my passion to write poetry and draw things are starting to emerge. and guess what? i'm actually started writing again! as of now, i've written it all from diff papers and pages of my nb and maybe sometime in the future i'll get to post it here! :>
lastly, i don't exactly know how to pero i'll move out and transfer to another place. napressure ako yesterday sa isa sa mga blockmates ko because has already been accepted to the school he's planning to transfer to kaya i've decided to register to the school i am targetting. everyone are against but fuck it. i know my goal and i will go for it. FVCK EVERYONE!!
yun lang hehe. i've been watching movies pala. it's my easiest way of distracting and consuming the dead and vulnerable hours so that my mind would be too tired to think. alam mo ba, kaya ko namang manood ng movies alone before eh. kaso ever since he said i shouldn't watch the series i was watching kasi he's planning on watching it too, ayun, gusto ko na palaging manood na kasama siya. yawa hahaha. pero since i mentioned na i am currently on my isolation phase, i have the time to claim back my power (whut power hahaha) to watch movie aloneee! <333
p.s di na kami nag-uusap nung nabanggit ko sa last entries na palagi kong napaglalabasan ng sama ng loob. he got tired talking to me. i know it and it's my fault coz of the phase im currently in. yun lang, sayonara. thank you for listening ulit! happy(?) four months of stay in here! :'>
yours,
mikha
