entry no. 19:
sorry for ghosting, wag niyo ko kasuhan T^T
im sleepy. uhm... okay this is awkward. it's been past a month since i last wrote here gomenasai T^T huhu. andaming ganap. k, tinatamad na ako mag-english kasi inaantok talaga ako ngayon haha. 1 pm kasi, dead hours tas patay pa ilaw BUT i thought of writing today. i thought of updating this journal for some reason. well, im supposed to since this is the track of my life afterall pfft.
so there are these two person that i needed to seek approval about my decision: a she and a he. i won't specifiy what are they in my life for privacy haha. i didn't know how it happened, what the words i've chosen, or the where the courage came from-all i remember is how my nervous system is so near to exploding. i remember how it felt when i have had a hard time hiding the trembling of lips, of how i swallow back the stuttering of my words, of how weak my knees and arms went... of how much the doubts and pessimism almost eaten me alive. sobrang kabado ako sa patutunguhan ng pag-uusap namin. altho it does not end there, the fact that i went past through that is already worth praising myself for. it's still early to celebrate but im so fucking proud of myself for getting here.
for the past two or three weeks, my mind never stopped thinking. even in the middle of watching movies, doing chores and routines, or even in my dreams, my mind kept thinking if i should or should not stay here w them. for the past weeks, i kept going out to process my transfer papers. they supported me financially and im super glad of it. lahat inasikaso ko ng mag-isa. sa pagcocommute, despite being new to the place, sa pagkausap sa fuckin registrar ng college ko na mukhang pera, sa pagtatanong sa strangers kung saan ang sakayan papunta at pauwi, sa pagtawag sa kapatid ko tuwing naliligaw or kinakabahan ako-lahat ginawa ko para lang makapunta sa kung nasaan ako ngayon. but where the hell exactly am i? that's what i wanted to update here cause if life has been fuckin me up the past weeks, im at the fuckin peak of the situation. this is where i am about to say to everyone my decision. and trust me, lots of ppl would be disappointed.
luckily, the most important person in my life wont. sino? edi ako. to the decision i am about to do, i will be fuckin forever proud. alam ko, may times na pagsisisihan or pagdududahan ito ng future self ko. "what if i stayed?" "what if i just give in to the flow of the situation?" "what if i just let them say what i needed to do?"-i know myself and im 10 billion percent sure (ehe currently watching dr. stone) that i will ask these questions. what i wanted to remind myself is that the time i was struggling here, all i thought about is how i wanted the moon to rose up and the sun to never come back. do living feels exactly like that? no. hell no. hindi ako ganon. i used to be the person that's always up to somthing great, even tho to others that is completely boring or uneventful.
naalala ko sabi niya: "gusto ko lang naman kasi na mag-enjoy ka, hindi yung puro aral. kapag nagstay ka dyan, makakaalis alis ka ng bahay." and then i reasoned out: "pero kasi mas gusto ko pong magstay sa bahay. opo, nag-eenjoy akong kasama sila (tologo) pero mas gusto ko pong magstay sa lugar na makakapagfocus ako sa pag-aaral ko." which was non-verbatim syempre but that was the point. my stand in here is that why do people think that staying at home is something unexciting? why do they think na if one keeps on staying indoors, they are automatically sulking and rejecting "life"? utak niyo my ubo hng. hahaha. pero kasi don't they think na it was our lives, to stay at home and enjoy our personal spaces? does the thought na what we experience and do inside our houses/rooms are what we consider life? hindi porque hindi siya vibrant as what their description of life is or that it doesn't need much physical effort, that doesn't mean na it's not fun. ANOTHER THING having fun is much diff from being happy. what i felt to those moment that i experienced while staying here is fun. but between those times, i kept asking myself: "am i happy?" "is this what i wanted to do?" "do i like what person im becoming rn?" the fact that i am second guessing those moments proved that the answer is no.
err. inaantok na talaga ako. anws im looking forward to my next entry. sabay sabay tayong kabahan sa mga susunod na mangyayari at kung anong path angs susunod kong pupuntahan for my sophomore year lifeu hwhahahaa. wish we luck! and thank u for always listening to me, mwa mwa! <33
p.s sa huli pala nag-english pa rin aq potek hahaha. q
yours,
mikha
