entry no. 7:
im... home?
so natuloy yung pag-uwi ko dito sa amin, although until tomo lang ako rito. sobrang saya ko kahapon kasi nakasama ko yung mga pinsan ko and i finally got to be that loud and carefree again. we also drank last night. 4 bottles of tanduay so matic na may rashes ako today ueueue.
pinuno ko pala yung sarili ko ng yakap. i requested lots of hug from them para naman sa next days na nandoon na ulit ako sa malayo sa kanila, i'll be contented w the thought na sinulit ko yung time na pwede nila akong mayakap. omg why am i starting to feel sad.
kahapon din pagdating ko rito grabe ang aking pagpipigil sa pag-ulan ng aking eyes huhu. sobrang hirap. i badly wanted to go back here. although i observed na they're still the same. hindi pa rin nababago yung toxicity sa kanila kaya i doubted at some point. and then i realized na this still ain't my home. it's just my comfort zone. an unhealthy one. kaya i wondered, where do i rlly belong? or do i have somewhere where i can rlly consider home? kasi i think wala eh.
uhm thoughts like kms is my fave companion as of now coz it gives me energy to keep on going w not caring too much about the outcome. a toxic coping mechanism you might say. it rlly is kasi this makes me decide by instinct. actually may ginawa akong slightly big decision kanina. remember that guy i mentioned na nakausap ko from litmatch? we actually clicked. i think more than two weeks na kaming magkausap pero just this morning, i ended our connection. i didn't ghost him. i talked to him and opened myself. im actually quite proud of myself that i get to do that. that was my dream closure. kaso after a while, i keep on thinking if i did what is right. i wish i did.
im such a disappointment, you see. im rlly tired of everything. i think nothing's real anymore. wala na kasi akong maintindihan. tell me, ano na bang nangyayari? aaaa i can't process anything. i just want to not think and be pressured anymore.
i just got a message from him saying na he'll be here at 5 in the morning and i should be prepared na daw before he came. then my fave companion said that what if i kms tonite so i don't need to come back there jahshajsaha. aaaa im rlly hopeless hahshaha. natatawa nalang ako eh. and oh, one time din muntik na akong mahulog sa hagdaan doon kasi i missed a step. at ang automatic kong sinabi? "sayang" jahshajshajhsa lordie what is happening to the optimistic and motivated me ToT. nasan na siya at bakit naging ganito ulit ako ToT.
wala na. di ko na alam. ewan ko na talaga. aaa. ayoko na. i wish i could stop caring and feeling just for a while—or as long as im not finding my real home. fuck. good night.
real hell starts tomo. amen.
yours,
mikha
