Adolescent

19. From the Depths of Aaron's Journal #3

June 2

There are some things I just can't get out of my head right now. The scarred, destroyed looks of my angel's forearms, for one. And then there was the shattered look on her face when she finally told me what had really happened to her parents. And that story, too. I don't know which of those is worse, but none of them will be escaping my mind for as long as I live.

It was so hard to see her so broken, even initially outside of MG after the ordeal with Meredith. She'd been so mad, at first, and honestly her anger kind of turned me on. Her fierce protectiveness over me just triggered something within me. The dark, dangerous green and steel gray her eyes turned just made me want to kiss her like I did before we'd set off for the small road trip to NYC. But then, after she'd gone outside with her evil cousin, and I came out and found her, she looked completely broken. Those self-inflicted wounds that she'd brought to her skin broke something inside of me, though I held the tears the best I could. Then, when she didn't believe me when I told her that I love her, that wounded me.

Then, her story. Her father's abuse. The homicide-suicide deaths of her parents. Her self-harm. Her suicide attempt. The time she spent in a mental facility. That yielded a fatal blow.

With all of these things piled on top of each other, on top of me, the pressure became too great. I was smashed. Shattered. The thought that the first girl that I'd ever actually felt something for, the first girl I'd loved, went through so much pain, and the instinctual feeling of knowing that she was leaving something out destroyed me.

Then, the look on that beautiful face when I didn't respond to what she'd told me, that was the postmortem dismemberment. The fact that I couldn't speak and knowing how much that would and had hurt her tore me to pieces.

All of this agony made me realize something: I am completely and utterly gone for Roxanna Tamsin Victoria Annabelle Charles. She breaks my heart and sews it back together better than it ever was all at the same time. I don't know what to do about it, since I'm sure she'll never talk to me again after that whole ordeal. She looked at me like I'd pulverized what was already shattered when I didn't answer her. But I'll be damned if I don't try to repair what I've done. My heart is at stake if I don't. It is hers, after all.

June 2 - #2

When I woke up from my (maybe) hour-long night's sleep, I didn't want to do a damn thing. I didn't want to get out of my hotel bed, I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to shower. All I really wanted - and still want - is her. I want to apologize, but I also want to talk to her. About everything. I'm still angry that she didn't tell me until last night, but I damn well understand why. And I understand that she's probably never going to talk to me again. Fuck, I don't want that. I want her; all of her. Brokenness and all. Hell, every person on this planet is broken in some way. Myself included. But she doesn't know that. I wasn't planning on telling her that until the situation arose though.

Shit. I am such a fucking hypocrite.

I don't care. I want her. I need her. I fucking love her, even if she doesn't love me back. And I'm going to try my damnedest together back. Without her, I'll lose my heart, and my mind.

Jesus Christ, I hope she feels the same way.

[A/N: Vid: "Sad Song" by We the Kings featuring Elena Coats. Beautiful song. I feel that it fits #Roaron in these next chapters. Vote/Follow/Comment if ya want Angela.]