we're in the car, and as in we, me and claudia. the car is just a normal tesla, model x to be exact. i haven't seen heaven since she put me down there. maybe she just doesn't wanna see me?
i don't wanna bring it up to claudia as she starts the car. when she drove, she seemed to drive faster than normal.
she told me the drive was gonna take a few hours, so maybe she just doesn't wanna wait forever until we get there? or she's trying to kill me. who knows.
claudia got me a new phone, which i appreciate. she also got me a backpack with snacks for the drive, some headphones since she knows i like to listen to music and she said she packed some clothes for me.
i know there is something bothering claudia, she's nervous, stressed maybe. i should probably ask, or maybe i shouldn't? maybe i should just keep my mouth shut.
but what if she gets so stressed she doesn't wanna not talk about it? what if it's stressing her out that no one is talking about it?
i open my goddamn mouth, and start to ask questions. "claudia are you okay? you seem stressed" she lets out the loudest sigh i've ever heard, her hands gripping the wheel.
"no" her answer is short, precise. "do you wanna talk about it? maybe you will feel better?" my tone is soft. yes even though she basically kidnapped me, i still love her. my brother does, so i do too. just that he loves her in different ways.
"talk? talk about it? talking about it isn't gonna change a goddamn thing! i'll gladly tell you what i'm stressed about, oh yeah maybe the fact that my boyfriends life is of risk only because that stupid mRs CaRlSoN recognized you, told your parents, which means they're going after finneas to get him home. and you know what makes it worse billie?! i have no way, of telling him what's going on, contacting him, or even fucking tell him i love him! so no billie, i am not okay. and talking about it isn't gonna change a single. fucking. thing."
wow.
the woman was too stunned to speak.
i open my mouth, but closed it pretty quickly. i am not even sure if i heard that right. damn, i wish i could just read it again or something. that would have been so useful.
the only few things i understood were,
1 talking about it isn't gonna change a fucking billie
2 finneas's life is of risk or something
3 that woman mrs carlson recognized me, told my parents even though i have no idea who she is
4 she can't tell him she loves him?
i am not sure about the last one, everything just doesn't make sense anymore. i wish i could just hug her and tell her it's alright. but i can't.
mostly because we're sitting in a car, but also because i don't know if it's gonna be alright. i don't know if any of us are gonna be alright. i don't know shit if i'm honest.
and it feels like everyone knows stuff i don't. like why, are we going on this trip? it seems useless. maybe heaven is tired of me, and she hates me.
just because i didn't follow her rules or something. i don't know why, i wish i could text her, or call her. for some reason i have the urge to check if she's alright. but i don't.
i don't speak to claudia for the next few hours. i put my headphones in, connect them to my phone, and i decide i wanna listen to a taylor swift album.
i press on "red(taylor's version) - taylor swift" and soon "treacherous" fills my ears. i eat a candy bar claudia gave to me, and for some reason i think of heaven as i listen to it. why? i'm not sure.
my phone was set up when i got it, so i check stuff on it. and i actually have heaven's number on my phone. so i actually have her number.
we sat in silence for the rest of the drive, as taylor swift filled my ears.
