The moon, space and her.

Think = no no, hurts

I have hurt myself so many times
Each time, feel it a little bit less
Thoughts come by as shooting stars
Thoughts come by as nails through the head

I cannot change who you are
And it seems, I cannot change what I think of you
I cannot change who I am
Or at least that's what I thought 8 words ago

I write this as I wait for the long night to go by and reappear for more thoughts to show up
As I listen to faint sounds of a lady.
As an ukulele paints away my words
As I imagine being lucky enough to be sung a lullaby in somebody's lap.

I hurt myself because I don't know better.
No cuts, no wounds.
just a hopeless face and endless desperation.
Waiting to know if I hope to much or too little.

At this point, wanting to be with you is just a whim
There is an Us right now and forever
A connection of two hearts and two minds
But a crush that was, a best friend that is and a physical love that will never be - that is what I hope.

Thoughts a capella their way out shouting "please kiss me"
"Please stay this night and all nights with me"
"Let us learn our lives through each other"
"Never be in love with anyone else but me"

And Thoughts whisper loudly into my soul.
"Leave her"
"Let her be her own"
"Let her have her own thoughts"
"Let yourself be your own"

I don't want to see her get hurt.
No cuts. No wounds.
No hopeless face.
No endless desperation.
Part of the truth that is.

I cannot love you as I do right now, not anymore.
For in a blink of an eye, life could change and change it will.

Knowing your touch wasn't shared with no one, it brought me calm.
Knowing your touch was engaged, it gave me hope.
Knowing you are free again, makes my heart ache, my body tremble and my whole self... jealous.

So, How do I win?
I don't, for this isn't a competition between logic and emotion.
This is just a train of thought.
The end of closeness and communication that does more harm than good.
The beginning of (hopefully) a new perspective.
The beginning of me finally being able to move on.

[redacted], there was a time my mind couldn't leave your thought.
A time that almost came back.
Funny, isn't it? How I've grown so much and you can still make me feel like a Merciful God and a broken man at the same time.

Just one kiss I would ask, and then lemme go back to not knowing you.
One night I would ask, and let me wonder how I never had that taste of you.
One last breath of love, and let it all crescendo into a pit of sad harmonies and paper cuts.
Or maybe nothing at all, and let that burden lift from my shoulder with a big awe.
A way to finish my thoughts.
A way to finish the pain.