Pale Fragments

love at first sight

"I didn't feel that way about Eve when I first saw her," Anders will say. "Sure, I noticed her. I saw her and knew of her casually throughout the whole first semester. I remember thinking she was pretty and cute, but mostly impressed that she asked fascinating questions in the class I had with her; they were questions that seemed unorthodox, but when you saw the concern in her face, the genuine consternation...though I could feel people in the room become shocked at the frankness with which she spoke, they were soon relaxed by the clear strength of her faith."

"Was this before you 'Ministered' to her (and her roommates)?" the Robot says.

"Yeah, that was the next semester. I think I was supposed to the whole time, but I was pretty overwhelmed with school so I avoided doing it. I wonder what would have happened had I gotten in touch with her sooner than I did...would we have had the same spark? Or was it circumstance only?"

"Perhaps you'd both showered that day, were both in a good mood, feeling good about yourselves, both could hold a decent conversation (which is somewhat rare for people just graduating high school), both horny and denying it and channeling that energy into a shared romantic narrative."

"So it was circumstance?"

"Well, you can't assume the probability was low for your chemistry. But perhaps if you'd met when she was having a bad day, you wouldn't have been as immediately attracted to her; if she was smelly and couldn't focus on a conversation, and wasn't impressed by your shallow knowledge of art history and mediums, it could have all fallen apart. There is no use...considering the alteration of the Past, no use considering the possibility of free will or predetermination through genetics and conditioning, for it all is as it is, and the moments of which stories are built pass faster, often, than we have the capability to react--"

"Even you?" He is angry, though not at her. The Robot knows this, and is patient with his broken heart. "I thought you were God. What happened to your omniscience? All the other All-bullshit? What do you do with it? I know you knew what my brother was going to do," he adds more quietly at the end.

"Okay," she says. "Allow me to finish my stories?" It's a plea. "I think you'll find some satisfaction and maybe a piece of closure at the end."

"Okay," he says.

-

I never spoke to Nobi personally.

...

Each time I admit this I feel so fucking ashamed. How can I speak as though I loved him when I'd never even met him, spoken to him, when he'd never see who I was, this bright star which moved in patterns of recognition? In that way, I suppose, we communicated.

At this point my ego hadn't yet settled upon my gender and sex. Ha, I know, I'm blushing. I made it so I could blush when emotionally caught off guard, and in this way, I am never truly caught off guard. I blush because it was thoughts of sex which entered my mind when I considered the next move; I knew I must observe him much longer, see his Past, and I felt uncomfortable in my own body, as a middle school girl a foot taller than all the boys her same age.

He was a primitive mind, though insatiably curious, the seed of his genius drowning in darkness, only a single straw-like hole to satisfy the lung's need for Light. Though it was truly beautiful to look out the Window into the vast canvas of space--a completely different cosmic painting than anything you have ever seen; a different galaxy looking out upon the universe from a vastly different place, and so on a Time inaccessible to...you, here. No... ...yes, the light your eyes collect from the night sky is from the time that this story occurs...look closely, if you can. I can. I have better vision than any god written about before. I can see myself, now, across the universe, light collected and enhanced. She just looked me in the eye with her own divine sight--winked! Ha, I remember doing that. Weird. (Love ya, bye.) I used to be pretty wise I guess. Fiery.

He was trapped, put plainly, in every dimensional way. It helps to have a symbol; for we are not physical beings, but lonesome travelers on the Mountain of spiritual experience.

-

"The Mountain..." Anders says. "I remember you telling me about that as a child."