Finding Love in France (Alternate Version)

Part 45: Anguish

Mila wasn't sure she had all of the triggers nailed down, but she had enough to start trying to desensitize Bucky and try to prevent future episodes. She rushed back to the infirmary to see if there was a psychiatrist on duty to consult with.

The psychiatrist was gone for the day, so she went to see Bucky. His left arm was casted and hung in traction to help keep the bones realigned. He was awake, but still on heavy pain medication. As soon as he saw her, he started to cry. "Mils?! Are you okay?...oh god, I'm sorry..."

She sobbed and grabbed his right hand, kissing it and holding it to her cheek. "I'm so sorry...my love, can you ever forgive me?!"

"Mila, you did nothing wrong! I'm the one who did this...oh god, please don't hate me..." he cried. "I can't believe I hurt you...I'm a fucking monster..." he snatched his hand away from her. He was terrified that he did something so awful, and worse, he didn't remember any of it.

"No. Don't you dare say that!" She snapped. "They did this to you, do you understand me? This isn't you." She tried to get his hand back, but he wouldn't let her. He dodged her trying to touch his face and she looked away in heartbreak.

"But I still did it..." he said, shaking, unable to look at her. "...what if I do it again? What the fuck are you still standing there for?...you need to get out of here right now! Run, Mila! Get the hell away from me before I hurt you again!" He screamed. "Go! Get out! Don't come back! It's not safe! I never want to see you again!"

He was obviously blocking her from reading his thoughts, but she refused to leave. "You don't mean that, James..." she wept, frozen in place.

He wanted to protect her. He loved her more than anything. But he almost killed her without knowing it. He hated himself and hated whatever was going on in his broken mind. He had to do this for her own good. "Get out, Mila..." he looked her in the eye "...never come back..." he looked away. "I don't love you..."

"You are many things, James, but a liar is not one of them." She bluntly stated. "Can you look me in the eye and tell me you don't love me? You are scared and confused, but don't you dare try to hurt me under the guise of protecting me." She glared at him. "That is worse than any physical injury, as you are fully aware of what you are saying." She grabbed his face and turned it to look at her, even though he kept his eyes shut. "I have been trying desperately to figure out what they did to you, what triggered this...I will not let this define you...or us. Why do you think you are not shackled to that bed right now? Because I begged everyone not to treat you like a criminal. Because you are not and this is not your fault. Because I want to help you through this so we can be together...because you are worth it." She was crying. "You told me that you will never hold my mistakes against me. That I was worth the trouble. That you love me more than anything..." she was trying not to shake. "...if you meant any of that, no matter how much pain you are in right now, I am not going anywhere until we fix this."

He opened his eyes. "What if I can't be fixed? What then? You don't owe me anything, Mila..." he could barely speak. "...don't waste your time on me...please leave...please." He wrenched his face out of her hands.

"Look at me, James..." she said quietly. "Look at me!" Her voice getting louder. "LOOK AT ME!" She screamed.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked up into the eyes he would do anything for, and he felt his heart breaking. "Get out of here, NOW."