Finding Love in France (Alternate Version)

Part 51: Preparation

Mila had prepared for the night ahead. She had syringes of sedatives, medical restraints, and all the infirmary staff aware of her staying the night.

They barely spoke while picking at dinner, too exhausted and nervous about what might happen. He was terrified to hurt her, no matter how much reassurance she gave. He could hardly look at her without shaking.

"James, remember, this is just a start..." Mila tried to calm him. "...we cannot expect to undo all of the damage in one go. You need psychoanalysis, further desensitization, and time." She took a deep breath and grabbed his hand. "Please let me continue to help you?"

He bit his lip to hold back tears. "Mils...I don't know...I can't ask you to do all of this...it's too much...it's too dangerous." he closed his eyes and shook his head.

She took his face in her hands and kissed his forehead. "You are worth it, my love. Remember that."

He looked up at her, tears rolling down his face. "Why?! Why are you still saying that? I almost killed you!" He started to sob. "...I can't...I can't take this...I hurt you..."

"And I hurt you, too." She sighed as she cradled his head. "You seem to forget that part...and do not think for a second that I would ever hesitate to do it again to protect myself or you or anyone else in danger." She kissed his head. "That broken arm was just a warning, my love..." she chuckled. "...and to answer your question, for the billionth time, we are trying to help you because you are loved."

He looked up at her. "Mila...you don't deserve to have to try and fix this. You deserve someone better..." he closed his eyes to try not to cry again. "...after everything you've been through...you don't have to save me..."

She bit her lip, trying not to weep at the pain radiating off him. "Actually, I do..." She sat back to look at him. "James, do you know what happened to my family?"

He opened his eyes and took her hand. "They died in a camp...not the same one you went to, but a different one?"

"Yes..." she took a deep breath. "...do you know why we were in different places? Because they were trying to protect me. Trying to help me. Pretending they didn't know me, so that I might survive under an assumed name, and get out..." tears fell. "They tried to help me, and it got them killed..." she gulped back a sob. "You don't think I don't know how you are feeling right now? How guilty? How ashamed? How unworthy? Asking why anyone would give a damn about you, when you don't feel like you have earned your life?" She looked into his eyes and watched his heart breaking with her words. "I know exactly how you feel...because I feel that way every minute of every day that I am alive and they are not..."

He was shaking. "Mila...I had no idea...I'm so sorry..." he pulled her into his side. "Please don't ever think that you are unworthy of your life. You are the bravest, smartest, toughest, most amazing person ever, and I am grateful that you are here...they would be so proud of you for surviving, for fighting, for all the people you've saved..." he cried into her hair. "...and I love you more than anything. Please try and understand that...I don't mean to keep hurting you with my brokenness...I just don't know how else to protect you from myself." He was barely able to speak. "I love you so much that I would rather die than hurt you again..." he wept, clinging to her.

She was sobbing into his chest. "You are not allowed to die, do you understand me? That is not an option." She looked up at him. "Do not make me break your hands, too..." she tried to smile weakly. "All of this crying is exhausting. Can we try and get some rest?" She kissed his cheek. "If you get out of hand during the night, we are prepared..."