Finding Love in France (Alternate Version)

Part 60: Plans

There was nothing else they could do. The Army psychiatrist had made his final report. Mila had petitioned for another psychiatric evaluation but was denied. Howard tried pulling any strings he had. Peggy and Steve had pleaded Bucky's case to Colonel Phillips. Short of a dishonorable discharge or a court martial, ideas which Bucky immediately vetoed, this was it. Mila had no choice but to try and make the best of the time they had together.

She continued to spend as much time as possible in the infirmary, managing to stay over a few nights just to give the staff a break from his nightmares. They were not as severe, but still very much there. He was averaging about three hours of sleep, with some short naps during the day when he was not in physical therapy to regain his strength or at the shooting range for target practice. The compounding sleep deprivation was not helping his mental state, but that didn't seem to matter to the Army. There was still a war going on, one unstable soldier was not exactly priority.

The night before he was scheduled for his first mission back with the boys, they had gone to the mess hall for dinner with their friends before heading to the pub for the usual pre-mission festivities. The air was thick with their collective nerves, but they all tried to push it aside for morale.

Howard tossed a roll at Bucky to see if his reflexes were okay, laughing as it was chucked back at his head. "Seems like you are in fine working order, kid!"

"What good is a one-handed sniper, right?" Bucky tried to joke, but Mila was in no mood.

"Want me to break your arm again and find out?" She huffed, too overwhelmed with worry to laugh. She watched her friends faces freeze and tried to lighten up. "Too soon? Shall I aim for a different limb to look more natural?"

Bucky cracked up at this idea. "Do I get a say this time?!"

"Can I make requests, Mila?" Steve laughed, trying to enjoy this moment of normalcy. "Maybe go for the mouth? We could finally have some peace and quiet!"

The evening went on with all the usual banter and joking. After a few rounds at the pub, Bucky and Mila left the group and walked back to the base. The fear and tension between them was palpable as they walked arm in arm. This was so much worse than the first time he had left her to go on a mission. There was so much more at stake. They both started talking at the same time, like they had so many times before.

"Please, my love, tell me what is on your mind?" Mila asked anxiously.

"Mils, before I go tomorrow, we should go over some things." He kissed her hand.

She took a deep breath and steadied herself. "Such as?"

He sighed. "Such as what to do if anything happens to me out there."

She cut him off. "Nothing is going to happen, do you hear me? Nothing." She was terrified.

"Mils, I know it's hard to think about." He was trying not to panic. "But you have to have a plan. Just in case." He could see her biting her lip, trying not to cry. "Mils, if something happens to me, I need to know you'll be okay."

"Okay?! How will anything ever be okay if something happens to you?!" She was trying to keep it together. "Haven't you suffered enough?! Is the Army not satisfied unless you are dead or completely incapacitated?!"

"Take it easy, Doc." He rubbed her hands in his. "There's nothing else we can do about me going back out there, ready or not...Just tell me what you're thinking if you get stuck here alone."

She started crying quietly. "I don't know, James." He wiped her cheek with his hand and she looked up at him. "I'm not sure I would want to do anything..."

"Mils! Don't say that! Tell me that you have a backup plan. I can't go not knowing how you are going to move on if I don't come back...or if..." he tried not to shake. "...if I do something to hurt someone and they have to put me down..."

"Perfect. Then don't go." She sniffed. "There is no backup plan. You are my only plan, James. If something happens to you, then I might as well go back to the front myself."

"Absolutely not!" He shouted. "There is no way in hell that's ever going to happen. If I have to break both of my legs to do it, take me out back right now and break 'em. You are not going anywhere near the fighting ever again. Ever."

"Do you hear yourself? You are forbidding me from doing the exact thing you are going to do tomorrow. How is it acceptable for you to put yourself in harms way, but not me?!" She was fuming. "If something should happen to you, what difference does it make? You'll be dead, I should at least be given the same chance."

"To die, Mils?! Call me old fashioned, but no, I don't think you should have the same chance. No way. That's not a plan." Now he was the one trying not to lose it. "Mila, I don't know how to make you understand how important it is for you to have a plan. You just got out of that hell, you really want to end up back there?"

"What do you want me to say? That if the unthinkable happens, I promise not to take up the fight in your place? No. Unlike you, I am not property of the military. You don't get to tell me what I can and cannot do." Sensing his crushing fear, she softened and tried to joke. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but is this all your way of telling me not to take up with Howard Stark if you are gone?"

"Nice try, Mils." He was adamant. "After everything that's happened, everything I've put you through...Just tell me you are going to stay here in England or head over to the States, even if I'm not with you."

"I promise, my love..." She could barely breathe.