Finding Love in France (Alternate Version)

Part 58: Rebuilding

Over the next few days, Bucky was able to remember everything about Mila. He was also able to remember that he was extremely damaged. His self hatred and anxiety were eating away at him, the guilt and fear becoming overwhelming. He was terrified of talking to her about it, but felt like he needed to be honest with her. Maybe she could even help, either way, he owed her his complete honesty.

She was curled up at his side reading one evening, when she felt him trembling. She looked over and saw him silently crying. Alarmed, she turned her body to face him and grabbed his hand. "What is it, my love? What's wrong?"

He continued to look straight ahead and tried to take a deep breath. "What if this is it?" He could barely get the words out. "What if I don't get any better?"

"What do you mean?" She did not want to assume anything at this point. He was so fragile and she couldn't bear the thought of pushing him away if she said the wrong thing.

"I mean, what if this is it for me?" He still couldn't look at her. "What if I'm one of those guys who ends up in the nut house, or worse, because I can't get back to normal?"

"Don't you think you are being a little hasty, my love? It has only been a few weeks. We still haven't been able to get a proper psychiatrist to assess you." She tread lightly. "We have been working with theories and basics, but we are not experts. Howard is trying to get a specialist in from Geneva, but it is taking time."

"What then? What if the specialist can't fix me?" He finally looked at her, barely able to keep from sobbing. "What if I can't give you the life you deserve? It's not worth you throwing your life away for me..." He broke down completely.

Her heart shattered at his pain. She held him and let him cry for a bit before speaking. "My love, no matter what happens, you are worth everything to me." She kissed his head and felt him shake his head to disagree. "No, James, you do not get to tell me what I deserve." She sighed. "This is not easy, nor do I expect it to be, but hear me when I tell you, just like you told me once, you are worth the trouble, and then some."

"But I'm a monster..." he gasped between sobs.

"Then you are my monster." She pulled his face up to look at her. "And as such, I am still going to love you no matter what."

"Mila, please..." he begged. "It hurts so bad...I can't do that to you and live with myself...It's too much...I'm too broken."

"Then let's rebuild you." She kissed his face. "Together."